San Marino (Imola) Qualifying Report

 All eyes were on Mick Schumacher as his father, in a Ferrari, has history here.  Mick has none, so I'm not sure how much new info he really provided.

As seems to be the norm now, everyone was saying that Mercedes weren't the top team at this track and then they were.  Everyone else made little errors and Hamilton cruised past them.

Usually a red flag adds some drama to qualifying but Tsunoda's spin was so near the start that it had no impact other than giving his engineers a late night.  The impact looked so slow and gentle, perhaps we need a road car going alongside the race cars to show the true impact?  I volunteer myself plodding around in my Honda Jazz to really give the viewers a new perspective on how quick the cars are.

Every season has it's technical trap for teams and drivers - overcut, undercut, refuelling, tire choice...this year it's track limits.  All we are going to hear about is whether a driver is on or off the track.  To combat this, I suggest electrifying the borders of the track.  If you go over it you get a mild jolt of a few volts.  Not enough to cause any long-lasting damage, just enough to put you off your step for a second and negate any advantage you may have gained.  No need to thank me FIA.  Combine this with Bernie's sprinklers and I think we've got a winning format for the sport.

Haas have said that they are not going to spend any money upgrading the car this year.  They were last in qualifying and I can't see that changing.  Both Williams drivers got into Q2 and if Haas aren't bringing any more speed to the party, it looks like they are handing their invitation to the Top 15 Party over to other drivers.  Neither Sauber/Alfa Romeo made it through either.  Can Williams be the quickest of the snails this year?

Q2 saw a gorgeous slo-mo shot of LeClerc flying through the air off of a kerb.  A good reason why you should watch the coverage rather than rely on my missives.  At the end of the middle session, I was very pleased that Russell, in his Williams, qualified ahead of three world champions no less.  And only one place behind Sainz in his Ferrari.

To finish, predictably Hamilton took pole position, as Bonno commented, "That's a surprise innit?"  No trace of irony.  Pipsqueak hopped and skipped like a delighted pre-schooler out of the car.  I think any notion that Mercedes are not on top of this game is phooey.

Going Up

👍 Stroll - spending his Daddy's money wisely, knocks his quadruple world champion team mate out of the parco.

👍 Villeneuve - a corner named after Gilles means I keep thinking that drivers are swinging into or bumping Jacques

👍 Perez - outqualifies his much-lauded team mate.  Horner heaving a huge sigh of relief as I imagine this keeps his boss off his back for a minute or two.  Perez believes that if he hadn't made a small mistake on his final lap he would be on pole, so he's disappointed.  He needs to understand that everyone on the grid bar Hamilton could say the same thing.  Red Bull 2 and 3 somewhat excitingly, with Bottas out of the picture.

👍 Gasly - puts his Minardi in 5th - the home team will be thrilled

Going Down

👎 It still all boils down to a Hamilton vs. Verstappen battle (occasionally with Bottas too) battle in Q3.

👎 New graphics - why do the position numbers change between white, grey and red?  What does this signify?  Does grey mean garage?  Does red mean their lap time is going to be deleted?

👎 Norris - falls foul of the track limits monitoring, from some camera angles it looked barely off the track but from others, he was clearly visiting a local pizzeria.

👎 Stroll didn't set a time and no mention of it

👎 Bottas - where was he?  MIA

Off-season Challenge

Mr Pitstop Princess has brought this article to my attention. It is possibly the most boring article ever written about F1. I challenge you to find something more banal.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/01/21/dell_team_lotus/

The heatproof glove has been thrown down.

Abu Dhabi Charts

Chart of Lust

1. 4-way drivers championships - they are exciting.
2. (re-entry) Sparkly helmets - working their magic for Vettel.
3. F1 names - this entry is dedicated to my new favourite, Kenny Handkammer.
4. (re-entry) Yachts - yes, please.
5. Germans crying - always slightly satisfying.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry - I know, how so?!) Ledgard - unable to distinguish between a front and a rear wing.
2. (re-entry) Graphics - no one's overtaken any one, or pitted, for laps. I think the championship prediction will be same as when you showed it 30 seconds ago.
3. (new entry) Wet shirt contests - as sported by Red Bull Top Brass on the podium. Why him when there are all those lovely clapping ladies hanging around?
4. (static) EJ - firstly for the purple trousers and secondly, for his ability to conduct a lengthy interview, allowing the interviewee (Dietrich Mateschitz) to only get one sentence in.
5. (new entry) Queen - Red Bull need a new CD.

Abu Dhabi Deliberations - "Thank you. I love you."

Never mind the bollards, the FF1 2010 season has drawn to a close. The Beeb kicked this off with a racism-lite Arabian nights (with a Welsh twang) introduction to their coverage. Then rolled out the Big Guns: Moss and Walker, who they didn't sit near to each other to have a conversation.



There were a lot of classic quotes to take away from the race. My favourite was the team radio to Alonso: "Use the best of your talent. We know how big it is." It's a shame the Ferrari strategists only packed their second-best talent, their best talent must have been at the dry-cleaners. Schumacher commented, when asked about Vettel's victory compared to his: "My time is a different time from this time." If this is not your time, Schumi, why are you driving a car that so many other, talented, drivers would get better use out of? Alonso was looking at the positives at the end, taking a lot from his failure by noting for the record that he has beaten some other records. But not any important ones I guess.



So, at the end of the year, two young men finally revealed the talent the got them into F1. Petrov came good and held up a two-time world champion and Vettel waited until after he crossed the chequered line, to be told that he had won. Not sure I believe him.



Thanks for playing along this year. Have a happy off-season. See you in March.

Final Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 1015
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 993
3. Blood on the tracks - 945
4. The Lord of the Wings - 881
5. Chew Chew Joe - 840
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 821
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 782
8. The Young and the Restless - 772
9. Hippy F1 - 762
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 736
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 709
12. The Pitstop Princess - 695
13. Wheely wheely fast - 587
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 289

If Que Senna Senna and a representative of the Bloody Bananas team get inn touch, I will arrange the winner's spoils to be directed their way. Congrats.

Brazil GP Caption Competition

What is the pole-sitter and runners-up thinking?

Brazil Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) The Hulk - who else could take this week's number 1 slot! And say "what a nice surprise!"
2. (re-entry) Adrian Newey - his genius confirmed by another constructor's championship.
3. (new entry) McLaren VIP area - in-the-pit deck to watch the race from, I wonder if Williams have one to....and how one gets an invite?
4. (new entry) Samba on the podium - made a welcome change from the usual Classic FM track for spraying the champers.
5. Eddie Jordan - knew all along that Williams would be on pole, apparently.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Jake Humphrey - believes that pole "is nearly a new experience for Williams". My Jake voodoo doll really suffered this weekend.
2. (new entry) Whinging - Hamilton, over and over and over. You are not world champion, you do not have a champion car, get over it.
3. (new entry) "If it stayed like this..." - repeated ad nauseum. I know there's not much happening on track but can we have a little creativity to our commentary please, Ledgard.
4. (new entry) Eddie Jordan - knew Webber would take Hulk immediately, have more faith, even if it's fruitless, Eddie. And then there's his pink-spotted shirt - bringing sartorial disasters to HD.
5. (re-entry) BBC Coverage - comparing Alonso to a horse.

Brazil GP Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 979
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 952
3. Blood on the tracks - 872
4.The Lord of the Wings - 844
5. Chew Chew Joe - 790
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 779
7. Hippy F1 - 746
8. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 728
9. The Young and the Restless - 719
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 676
11. The Pitstop Princess - 668
12. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 667
13. Wheely wheely fast - 558
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 284

Oh deep joy!

Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop

Still inclined to dance around my flat, shrieking. Qualifying will never be as good again. Hoping tomorrow never comes.

Korea Charts

Chart of Lust

1. Stewards bank of television screens - that's where I'd like to watch the race from.
2. Rubber galoshes - very practical.
3. FIA announcer - "Well done gentlemen", maintaining that cool, hip vibe the marketing folk have spent so long garnering.
4. (re-entry) Rain - I got a lot of knitting done today.
5. (down 2) Comebacks - Schumacher, at last, there's no fun in despising him when he just keeps proving the point.

Chart of Loathing

1. Bunch of jesse's - get out there and race. Some of us live in Scotland, where this is the norm.
2. Mission Control - really? It's a room with no window,s full of geeks in grey who aren't important enough to spend the money shipping them to the race.
3. Ozzies - Rosberg was doing so well!
4. Rain - it's raining, it's poring, the audience is snoring.
5. Shots of cute Korean kids - would like to see some racing please, TV director. Oh no, there isn't any of that to show is there?

Korea GP Banter - "Beautiful. Beautiful. Avanti Ferrari avanti."

Well I hope you didn't get up at crazy o'clock to watch a lot of not-racing? Even DC thought it was embarrassing that the best drivers in the world, in the most sophisticated cars were following around a modified road car through a spot of precipitation. And it's not often you'll catch me agreeing with The Jaw. Perhaps weather forecasting should be banned, that way they'd all go out and just see what happened.


In an effort to stop the EJ-DC bickering, the two had been separated by thousands of miles by sending DC to Woking to sit in "Mission Control" at McLaren HQ. Did this make coverage any better? Nope. We just had DC on a time delay despite the fact that he was in the same country as us. I assume he is no longer a Red Bull employee and this was all an elaborate way to get an mole inside their rival's offices.


Overall the BBC's coverage was particularly disappointing, what with the endless, uninspired footage about the 5 championship contenders, DC starting every sentence with "It's fascinating..." and Ledgard mistaking Rosberg (in a yellow helmet and white suit) for Webber (in a blue helmet and blue suit). There was no explanation of Petrov's retirement or of Hulkenberg overtaking Alguasauri for points.


At the close of the race Red Bull had failed to win the constructor's championship and Williams failed to overtake Force India, despite running 5th and 6th until very nearly the nail-biting end. Webber also confirmed just how poor his driving is in wet conditions. A fact that those of us who sat in the rain watching him spin in front of us over and over again at Silverstone in 2008 will confirm. Certain people will also be pleased that Schumacher finally delivered the goods with a solid points finish. One of only 15 drivers that did finish.

Korea Caption Competition

Please post your entry as a comment...

Korea GP Results - Revised

1. Liuzzi goes bananas - 915
2. Que Senna Senna - 906
3. Blood on the tracks - 825
4. The Lord of the Wings - 785
5. Chew Chew Joe - 754
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 737
7. Hippy F1 - 714
8. The Young and the Restless - 683
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 674
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 648
11= You will never see me in Lederhosen - 645
11= The Pitstop Princess - 645
13. Wheely wheely fast - 534
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 278

Sorry. If children could teach themselves, then I'd have brainspace for this malarky.

Japan GP Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 866
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 834
3. Blood on the tracks - 792
4. The Lord of the Wings - 766
5. Chew Chew Joe - 729
6. Hippy F1 - 688
7. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 679
8. The Young and the Restless - 653
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 647
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 619
11. The Pitstop Princess - 597
12. Wheely wheely fast - 516
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 251

Japanese Joshing - "Woo hoo. Yes"

With the Scots taking over Formula 1 coverage this weekend, I'm very surprised that DC and Jordan did not behave more like kids with a supply teacher and seemed to reach consensus on every issue. The lovely Lee Mackenzie provided a refreshing change from the eager puppy dog Jake Humphries and gave him a masterclass on how to fill two hours of live television about the rain (I suppose she is uniquely qualified, being one of the aforementioned Scots) without getting in anybody's way at all. There's plenty to look forward to coming up on the Beeb's coverage through, Brundle tells us: "We have a very interesting feature coming up on wheelnuts".

It was another Grand Prix where Williams started very well (top 5 in Q1) and slowly slid further down the order as the weekend progressed but we closed the gap to Force India, despite Petrov's best efforts.

Hamilton's run of bad luck continued in Japan, losing third gear during the race. Where did you last use it dear? Schumi continues to play second fiddle to the lovely Rosberg, unable to overtake him, even with team orders on his side. As we return to the dull days of Red Bull One-Twos, it looks like the racing is set to be boring for the remainder of the season. Alonso believes that podiums (podia?) will be enough to win the championship and everyone else will be too scared to do any daring does in case they end up DNF. Let's hope Kubica, Massa, Rosberg, Barrichello or any other outsider suddenly has a surge of form and makes it interesting.

Competition & Apologies

As I write from London, I write with a contrite heart. I have left the pen drive with the FF1 spreadsheet back in Glasgow. So there won't be any results up until Thursday, at least.

However, I will still post the commentary and here is a competition to keep your spirit's up:

Question: With rain postponing qualifying, what other methods could the FIA use to order drivers on the grid?

Answers: Length of beard? Length of service? Canoe? Paper boat design?

Please post any of your answers as a comment.

Singapore Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Kubica - supplying the most exciting action on track.
2. (new entry) Sparkly helmets - Vettel sported a holographic design to put the floodlighting to best use.
3. (new entry) Comebacks - hello Heidfeld, F1's best lisp.
4. (new entry) Joy - brought on by watching Schumi battle with a Lotus as a backmarker.
5. (new entry) Portable air conditioning - although when would I use it in Scotland?

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Comebacks - hello Pussycat Doll, you flew 20 hours to surprise Hamilton and brought lots of bad luck with you.
2. (new entry) Brundle - for saying "Obviously Barrichello will be easy meat for Webber".
3. (new entry) BBC's choice of music - top of the pops this week is Thriller.
4. (up 1) Matching shirts- sartorially Jake and DC went for lilac this week.
5. (down 2) Clapping ladies - I am bored of you, be gone, with your red tennis dress and knee high boots.

Singapore Slinging - "We will get them, don't you worry."

For the third time, F1 returned to the most stunning race on the calendar. Sign me up for a space on the skypark next year please. It was a hairy race weekend in parts, Massa and Kovalainen both spending time outside of the car on track when they shouldn't. A frustrating weekend for some, Hamilton getting a second DNF in two races and the Hulk slamming his helmet into a cupboard like a stropping teenager. Others came out smiling knowing their team mate might now have to support them for the rest of the year (Button) or that they recovered a poor qualifying well (Webber). Ferrari topped and tailed the grid and do not seem to care about Massa at all anymore. We haven't had a race with such a high drop-out rate for a while, I felt most sorry for Glock, who is lovely and was doing so so well in his Virgin. Hypocrisy continues to reign in F1 too, team orders cost me a point, with Kubica overtaking his teammate Petrov very easily. I demand an investigation.

ps. anyone concerned (Trimble!) that I have got the scores wrong, should note that Hulkenberg and Sutil were demoted by the stewards after the race for missing the chicane.

Singapore Caption Competition

Please post your caption on Heikki Kovalainen acting as a fire marshall as a comment. Look forward to reading them and thanks to those who submitted something last week.

Singapore Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 808
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 796
3. Blood on the tracks - 730
4. Gurning Rubber - 722*
5. The Lord of the Wings - 711
6. Chew Chew Joe - 693
7. Hippy F1 - 645
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 637*
9. The Young and the Restless - 623
10. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 598*
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 590*
12. The Pitstop Princess - 582
13= Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 525
13= Birley Chassis - 525*
15. The Cake King - 513*
16. Wheely wheely fast - 493
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 241

* Result provisional until registration paid.