Brazilian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Rain - not enough to have us watch a stopped race but enough to make it very exciting
2. (new entry) Massa - absolutely stunning driving on 1st and 2nd lap, which continued throughout the race as he demonstrated why he is the best teammate  in F1
3. (new entry) Hamilton's helmet - another beauty
4. (new entry) Rallying - Raikkonen's excursion (and subsequent points finish) played a part in this unique race
5. (new entry) Hulkenberg - spiced up the championship race by taking Hamilton out

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Exciting races - I didn't get any knitting done
2. (new entry) Hulkenberg - hero to zero and a real shame that he took out Hamilton
3. (re-entry) Schumacher - giving his place to Vettel.  Seb - it's only unfair if you have more than one driver who will make way for you (no mentioning of the Torro Rossos too)
4. (new entry) Piquet - more vetting is needed for the on-podium interviewer.  To Alonso: "I'm sorry about you."  To Massa: "You start the year not very good."
5. (re-entry) Schumacher - milling about at the end and claiming all the glory, well, I suppose if he hadn't inspired Vettel to drive...

US GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) The Circuit of the Americas - delivered a great race
2. (new entry) Winnebago's - to watch the race from the top of, what a wonderful idea
3. (new entry) Texan head wear - Vettel's helmet design and the winner's stetsons
4. (new entry) Sky's coverage - notably the shot of two Americans missing a high 5
5. (new entry) Showers forecast - for Interlagos, promises to be one of those great showdowns

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Texan head wear - again - lampshades in China and cork hats in Australia to follow
2. (new entry) Panoramic shots of the car parking facilities - indicative of the lack of inspiration by the television directors for this race
3. (new entry) Pitstop replays - see above
4. (new entry) Andretti - all statement and no questions
5. (new entry) Not knowing - would Massa have won if he hadn't taken the penalty?

Abu Dhabi GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Vettel - even though we wish he hadn't even scored points, he drove an outstanding race
2. (new entry) Strops - normally featuring in the Chart of Loathing demonstrated by Hamilton but Raikkonen delivered some outstanding ones over the radio today
3. (new entry) Anything you can do, I can do better - swearing on the podium
4. (static) Glittery helmets
5. (re-entry) Bacon rolls - thank you Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) DC's interview technique - "Statement.  Statement.  Statement.  Tell me about it."
2. (new entry) Eddie Jordan's shirts
3. (new entry) DC's cringy Texan accent (take note Beeb, he struggles with Scottish)
4. (new entry) Lotus crotch-arrow overalls

India GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Alonso - for his first lap overtake of the McLarens
2. (new entry) Bangra dancing - on the podium, much more interesting than the clapping ladies
3. (re-entry) Damon Hill - back after a two race absence
4. (new entry) Shiny helmets - Hamilton went all Bollywood

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) DRS - yet again negating any good racing happening
2. (new entry) Punctures - as suffered by Schumi, Maldonado and Perez and doing nothing to make the race more interesting
3. (new entry) Crazy frog - another good reason why Vettel should not be allowed to win races
4. (new entry) Sam Michael's nipples - could Mr Boss please design him a different shirt?

Korean GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Monisha Kaltenborn - first female team principal
2. (new entry) Hulkenberg - my driver of the day for that double overtake round the outside of Hamilton and Grosjean
3. (new entry) Vettel's water-bottle carrier - would be very useful when I'm teaching to have someone on hand to pass me my water

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bedward - unable to recognise cars, which I would have thought would have been an "essential" on the job description:  "Senna's on a lap, what can he achieve" - on the screen he's driving in the pits
2. (new entry) Gangyam Style - please no more, a peculiarly Asian-style of torture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su1mVnhIDrM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qOcFmQhttU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igmZUnqH258 - the most painful....stick with it
3. (new entry) Beeb build-up - a poor combination of the above, a compilation of Grosjean's Greatest Hits and Coulthard informing us that to be quick a driver needs to take the racing line
4. (new entry) Johnny Herbert - the barrel continues to be scraped for podium interviewers
5. (new entry) Rubber in slotgaps - enough already

Japan GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Kobayashi - the man of the moment
2. (new entry) Straight talking - as heard from Raikkonen ("I spun...I don't care about the others.") and Webber ("first lap nutcase Grosjean")
3. (new entry) Bacon sandwiches - essential snackage for early races, thank you Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing
4. (new entry) No clapping ladies - thank you Suzuka for a dignified approach
5. (re-entry) Nico Rosberg - despite an awful race (or lack of it), he went to see Kobayashi on the podium

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bullying - Johnny Herbert advocates the GPDA sitting Grosjean down and telling him how bad a driver he is
2. (new entry) Jean Alesi - scraping the barrel for interviewers on the podium and while we're discussing it, they should also be in the local language
3. (new entry) No Damon Hill - just Ant and Johnny
4. (new entry) Ant's crush - returning to Sky for this race, we can see Ant's unrequited love for Georgie blossoming

Singapore GP - "You beauty Seb...you've won the Singapore Grand Prix again"

Disclaimer

The Pitstop Princess is delighted to welcome you to the first Guest Post.  Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing was delegated the responsibility of reporting and charting the Singapore GP.

Singapore, the new Monaco; Singapore, the Monaco of the future; Singapore, the Monaco of the East....... Let’s be honest though, folks, on track it’s usually a better circuit for the viewer than it’s Mediterranean idol.

Sky have been chomping at the bit for this race, having used it in their promos for the past 10 months. However, I watched it on BBC – it was a buy-off between BBC’s painful opening skits (Dragon boats? Really?) and Sky punctuating their elongated build-up with ‘tributes to drivers who die in horrible ways’ features. Plus it’s always fun watching drivers flirt with Lee McKenzie, especially when they’re testing the new F1 video game, which is now on the Xmas present list [AEEDR has sufficient sports video games, please do not feed the animal. - Ed].

Qually had the now regular not-so-shocking “shocks” - Kimi struggling, Massa not turning up - but Q3 was overall painfully dull. Aside from Pastor’s “shock” in getting to the front row AND staying there (he’s usually got a grid penalty in the bag), and Grosjean (AKA Beaker from the Muppets) trying to kill himself, the only other point of interest was when I sat on the remote and ended up viewing a “to upgrade to this channel” screen. It was more enjoyable than watching cars sitting in the garages.

Amazingly, the race itself started without major incident (I’m assuming a Caterham team collision isn’t classed as major) and the incessant safety car predictions commenced. After that, the common problem with street circuits - that they’re too slow overall to produce good racing, reliant on DRS (diminished reality system) and pitting to produce changes in order - came to the forefront. By lap 20 or so, both myself and Fernando Alonso were wishing Nelson Pique Jr. was still in F1 to mix up this race. Where Monza two weeks ago flew in, this one was dragging early on.

McLaren’s tactic of providing one of their drivers with a faulty car lead to the first real moment of note, costing Hamilton a lead that only Vettel looked like taking.  As the race reached the halfway point, Fernando and Pastor lit things up with some brilliant wheel-to-wheel racing... But the pointless Karthikeyan, his HRT and the subsequent safety car (who had lap 33?) put pay to that. That said, Pastor driving while being told his car was gubbed and Button trying to dink Vettel did add something to the ten minute procession.

The safety car interlude was clearly enjoyed by Mr Schumacher alot, as he got it back out within 30 seconds of the restart by rear-ending  Vergne. One wonders why Schumi didn’t get a race ban, since that crash was even more reckless than Grosjean’s in Spa and he also mounted a car in Barca this year.

On re-restart, Massa and Senna took over from their more illustrious teammates in providing some drama. Filipe’s form is slowly improving and at this rate he’ll have a drive next year. Obviously, not with Ferrari. In other news, we found out that team orders are in use at Lotus, though the team waited until after some aggressive racing to tell the drivers.

Once it was announced Old Father Time (Bernie?) would bring this race to an unnatural end, some thrilling, if messy, midfield battling ensued. However, no main challenger changes occurred and Vettel walked away with an anticlimactic win. Following the rarely seen countdown clock, the obligatory excuses, bitching and team move rumours followed...

When all is said and done, Sky’s marketing dept were right that cars do look pretty under the lights.

Chart of Lust
1. (new entry) Sparks flying under the cars – Gets the pulse rate going
2. (new entry) Flashing lights on Vettel's helmet - It’s nice that he let the Girl Guides decorate it [Girl Guides prefer a copious spread of sparkly stickers - Ed.]
3. (new entry) Williams v Ferrari – Provided the best wheel-to-wheel in ages
4. (new race) Night race – Purely because I hate getting up early for the other Asian races
5. (ne entry) Fireworks – Makes every race win feel like the Superbowl and Wrestlemania

Chart of Loathing

1. (Re-entry) Cool vests  - Honestly, man up! If I have to work in a stuffy office because old women need the heating jacked up then you can sit in a car and live with being a wee bit clammy, Jenson!
2. (new entry) Jake going to BT – I like him, he’s non-threatening and relatable... [Am seriously considering how things stand between us - Ed.]
3. (new entry) Slow corners – Doesn’t make for good racing
4. (new entry) Back marker passing under safety car – Takes too long and fighting through back markers makes for an added twist
5. (new entry) Blisters on the bum – Some vulgar filler-chat from DC

Italian GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Perez - what a hero
2. (new entry) Massa's start - never has a good start been more needed

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Adverts - specifically Alonso for Ferrari aftershave and Vettel for Infinity.  An honourable mention for McLaren's Tooned
2. (new entry) Nicky Lauder's belly
3. (up 2) Facial furniture - perhaps Gillette could sponsor Hamilton, for the good of everyone

Belgian GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (up 1) Senna - for completing the fastest lap of the race in a Williams
2. (re-entry) Lucky pink shirt - strikes again
3. (new entry) Gaffs - Bernie announces Schumi's second retirement and Hamilton tweets his telemetry

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Accidents - terrifying and also ended Alonso's 23 race-run of point-scoring (even more disappointing because he would have broken Schumi's record)
2. (re-entry) DRS - making good overtakes null and void
3. (new entry) Maldonado - yet another DNF
4. (new entry) Spinning flags - flags should be fabric
5. (new entry) Facial furniture - see Hamilton's face

Hungarian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Lotus - definitely no team orders
2. (re-entry) Senna - able to rise to the occasion unlike a certain (ex?) Ferrari driver
3. (new entry) Hamilton admits to a season of poor starts - jaw to floor
4. (new entry) Hamilton compliments to the Renault - more positive about the team than either driver
5. (new entry) Summer breaks - definitely enjoyed mine

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Tension - admittedly the best small talk available to view on television
2. (new entry) Placido Domingo - huh?
3. (new entry) In-car strops - Vettel in a case of the terrible twos (championships)
4. (new entry) Not reading the rules - even seven-times champions should do make the time
5. (re-entry) Clapping ladies - please no more

Jury's Out

Olympics - "Charles OlymPIC", special helmets....
McLaren animation

German GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Head to head pitstops - some more old-fashioned F1 excitement
2. (new entry) Platitudes - enjoying "coulda, woulda, shoulda doesn't count" from Webber
3. (new entry) Jubilee chic - a Union Jack tacked on to Webber's helmet design and a half Vodaphone, half flag offering on Jenson's cap
4. (new entry) HRT cream and gold overalls - 70s classic styling for the boys at the back
5. (new entry) Rosberg - for his "go faster tablets" quip during Brundle's track guide.  Try that at the Olympics and they'll have you urinating in a cup faster than McLaren can change a set of tyres.

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Whinging - displayed firstly by Schumi about the rain (!) then the usual "tyres not working" from Button then Hamilton in-car about his puncture
2. (new entry) Sky race guide with the McLaren drivers - like the Virgin media ads for those that haven't seen it, lots of pointing and swiping at nothing.  Pretty much like their driving.
3. (new entry) Fan blowers - cooling the drivers.  I think they should return to using large palm leaves.
4. (new entry) Jubilee chic - ubiquitous, enough already
5. (new entry) Not-quite-pink-enough - a la Papa Button's shirt.  Not quite lucky enough for a win.

Spanish GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) Pastor Maldonado - hero of the day
2. (new entry) Lapping cars - Williams lap Red Bull - hurrah!
3. (new entry) Venezualan national anthem - beautiful to hear
4. (new entry) 5 races, 5 different winners - how long can this continue?  Monaco generally throws up surprises.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Fires
2. (new entry) Schumacher - for ruining Senna's race.  A 5 place grid penalty is not sufficient given that the incident meant that Senna's car was not in parc ferme after the race and therefore wrecked in the fire.
3. (new entry) Grosjean - for attempting to ruin Senna's race
4. (new entry) Whinging - this week's culprits are Button and Alonso
5. (new entry) Making a 64 year old man sprint 100 metres - cruel Jake

Bahrain GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) No team orders - Raikkonen made it very clear in the post-race press conference that there will be no team orders and that this was going to lead to some great racing this season
2. (new entry) 4 races, 4 different winners - this is what F1 has been missing
3. (new entry) New phrases - my current favourite is "Raikkonen heading for the fridge" meaning, he's out of qualifying/the race
4. (re-entry) Damon Hill - he's so polite, e.g. "minnow teams" not backmarkers
5. (new entry) Ricciardo's braces - ahhhhh

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Jargon and codewords on the team radio - what is "double KERS" or "double yellow D on the straight"?
2. (new entry) Unluckiest man in F1 - why does there always have to be one? This year it seems to be Maldonado.
3. (new entry) Death - no, I'm not getting political (at least on here) but honouring the memory of the bird that flew into Rosberg's helmet during Friday's practice. Apparently he returned to the pits covered in bloody feathers. Not even the fauna is on Schumi's side.
4. (new entry) Jackie Stewart - how fickle, staunch supporter of Williams (and RBS) last year, claiming all the credit for Lotus's success this year
5. (new entry) Ricciardo's braces - soon there'll be drivers still undergoing toilet-training

Malaysia GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Not buying a gazebo - how Williams have raised those extra few pennies to buy Renault engines this year.
2. (new entry) Special waterproof helmet-carry-cases - Ferrari pay attention to every little detail in their operation, apart from the car obviously.
3. (new entry) Sandwich bags - covering all electronic equipment, radios etc., to protect them from the rain. Austerity chic.
4. (new entry) The hokey-cokey - in, out, in, out. Is Vettel pitting or not?
5. (new entry) Positive encouragement - Smedley to Massa: "good effort". Oh, no, that's not positive encouragement...that's lies.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Red Flag wusses - It was only spitting!
2. (new entry) Sauber - for making cars that look exactly like Williams'.
3. (new entry) Button's cool vest - still looks like a toddler float vest.
4. (new entry) Silver lycra - as sported by the clapping ladies, like cut-price superheroes.
5.(new entry) Owen Wilson -we've found someone with even less to say about F1 than Georgie Thompson.

Australian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Maldonado - my hero! Why wasn't he doing this last year?

2. (new entry) Helmet cams - great, more please

3. (new entry) Damon Hill - on Sky, BRDC's loss is our gain

4. (new entry) 2 DRS zones - it seems to work

5. (new entry) Papa Buttons lucky pink shirt - it seems to work

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Last lap - could you spread out the action over all the laps, chaps?

2. (new entry) Ad breaks on Sky - not during the race but you have to tune in at 4.30am to see all the build-up because of all the breaks

3. (new entry) Ricciardo - booooo for taking Senna out

4. (new entry) The Sky Pad - it's a Smartboard, I have one in my classroom, it doesn't make you special Anthony Davidson, it makes you look like a glorified weatherman.

5. (new entry) "The Kimster" - not one of Brundle's best witticisms

Brazil GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Alonso's overtake on Button - made the race worth watching.

2. (new entry) Good luck - for Webber. At last.

3. (re-entry) Team radio - so we knew about Vettel's broken gearbox. Giving viewers a glimmer of hope for an interesting race.

4. (new entry) Vettel's helmet-cam - great shots even if they were a little wobbly

5. (new entry) Conspiracy theories - I might believe this one...Vettel had "ropey" (um hello, it lasted until the end of the race) gearbox, so that Webber is allowed a race win.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Senna's penalty - Massa and Hamilton did not go anywhere near each other. The stewards must have been bored. Let's hope Alex Wurz saved enough F1 loot to afford to be smuggled away from the track.

2. (new entry) Barrichello obituary - he's not dead. He hasn't even retired. Officially.

3. (new entry) Coverage of Sam Michael - is he wearing McLaren uniform yet? No And now? No And now? No.

4. (re-entry) Rain chat - on and on and the clouds never broke.

5. (new entry) Raikkonnen not going to drive for Williams - boooooooooo.

Abu Dhabi GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Sam Michael - clearly brings something to a team, nothing Williams wanted though.

2. (new entry) Macca - giving a bass to Vettel, doesn't the boy have everything he could want already? Send it this way please.

3. (re-entry) Big hugs - Pipsqueak and Alonso - whodathunkit?

4. (new entry) Movember - although, moustaches do look better on winners.

5. (re-entry) Special shiny helmets - twinkly, glitter versions for Vettel and Hamilton

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) All Williams back row - boooooooo, roll on 2012.

2. (new entry) Blue flags penalties - the fault is clearly the circuit and the rubbish leaders not the backmarkers.

Indian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) Vettel's helmet - covered with his engineers, nicely done.

2. (new entry) 2 Torro Rossos in Q3 - remember you can replace the team name Minardi for Torro Rosso.

3. (new entry) Raikkonen to drive for Williams chat - too exciting!

4. (re-entry) Awful puns - such as Eddie's "A Paddock to India". Chortle.

5. (new entry) Hulkenberg - now sponsored by Katjes, the producer of my favourite childhood sweets! (Is this the money he's bringing to Force India next year for a seat?)

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) McLaren's qualifying overalls - moving ever closer to romper suits.

2. (new entry) 2 US races soon in 2012 - I can see the days coming when there are no European races.

3. (new entry) Hamilton's hemlet - nothing says "India" more than Bob Marley.

4. (new entry) Brundles commentary - has he been saving "Who's vindaloo and who's korma?" all year?

5. (new entry) Lotus - for beating Williams. Sob.

Korean GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Vettel praising the Renault engine - if Red Bull can achieve so much with it, just imagine what Williams will do!

2. (new entry) Hamilton on pole - just because he's not driving a Red Bull.

3.(new entry) Top 5 times - so close, makes it that wee bit more exciting.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Korea - why? Bring back one of the classic European races.

2. (re-entry) Tyre chat - booooooring

3. (re-entry) Clapping ladies - this time, nearly naked, enough now Bernie.

4. (re-entry) Trophy - or weapon?

5. (new entry) Red Bull's awful choice of music - money can't buy you taste.

Singapore Charts

A short version this week:

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Sparkling helmets - sported by Alonso and Vettel, glittering under the floodlights

2. (new entry) Fireworks - ooooooohhhh

3. (new entry) Safety car - it nearly brought about interesting racing

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Talking about sweating - isn't this a polite, civilised sport?

2. (new entry) Alonso - letting the Pitstop Princess down at her hometrack. Epic fail.

3. (re-entry) Vetelle - it's "Vettel as in kettle"