German GP - "Amazing"

Ferrari's shambolic loss of power during qualifying should have been a hint of the topsy turvy, eventful race that lay ahead.

When I saw rain on the grid parade, my heart soar.  This is the sort of race where unexpected teams score points, LeClerc and Vettel were going to storm through the field (with LeClerc breaking his duck) and Raikkonen was starting from 5th.  I knew a good race was on the agenda but...

By the end of the first lap, Raikkonen was up to 3rd.  By the end of the second lap, we had our first spin, by Perez.  There was a safety car and by the fifth lap, Kimi was 11th.  A few quieter laps and then Sainz was off.

Just as Francesco Bernoulli was commenting joyfully on Hamilton's 5.6 second pit stop, LeClerc was off into the gravel and hoarding and we felt that any chance of a good race was gone.  Then, on the same lap, Hamilton lost his front wing at the pit entrance (jammy s*d), the crowd were cheering, Mercedes mixed up the tyres and kept changing their mind.  An investigation was launched about whether he entered the pits on the wrong side of a bollard.  This is all on one lap!  Even better, he was given a 5 second penalty a few laps later for going slow behind the safety car.

We started cheering on the minnows who could achieve greatness but they didn't want to unfortunately.  Hulkenberg went into the barrier from a potential 3rd.  Then Stroll started leading the race...!  We're only two thirds of the way through the race.

With eleven laps to go. Hamilton spins off and recovers, despite the crowd's cheers.  Bottas followed him soon after but couldn't recover.

Unfortunately in the last few laps, Vettel overtook Stroll for third, then Kvyat for second.  What a shame that Kvyat wasn't let off press duties to go and see his newborn daughter; he took advantage of being made to do interviews to make a covert pitch to Red Bull for his old seat back.  Hamilton didn't do any interviews.

A final note, that I have just discovered the injustice that you have to be in the top ten to score a point for fastest lap...never here folks.

German GP - Results

1. Evel Marque - 596*
2. The Hope Fulls - 595*
3. BottHaas - 547
4. PickedInAHurry - 529*
5. Je suis Charlie - 507
6. Jack the Lad - 448
7. The Pitstop Princess - 435
8. Hippy F1 - 404*
9. Ferrari Rocher - 294
10. Francesco Bernoulli - 292*

* Home track played

Germany GP - "Get in there Lewis, beautiful start"

This post is guest-written by Put Out to Pastor.  Although based on his FF1 score this year, I have no idea why you should pay any heed to this man's Formula 1 based ramblings.

For a race that had lots of on-track, non-DRS passes, and no toddler interrupting it, I struggled to find much of real interest:

Lebenkuchens

• Pit Stop Princes - Blisteringly fast tyre changes are all Williams having going for them at the moment.

• Return of Radio - Allowing Vettel to overrule the team on strategy... Who says the wall coaches the drivers?

• Feeling Bullish - Never thought I'd be happy to see Red Bull returning as a challenger.

Dummkopfs

• Rotten Rosberg - Another poor start costs him and he frightened poor little Max.

• Blue flag Gutierrez - Red Bull to Danny Ric: "He's doing it to everyone, he's not just picking on you".

• Grid walk (Sky) a celeb-free zone - Did anyone else feel slightly awkward at Mick Schumacher kicking about?

• Media located in Hamilton's backside - Why do they love him? Everything he does makes me cringe ("I'm fricking sweating so much")

Germany GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 737*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 702
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 676*
4. Hippy F1 - 655*
5. Halo, it's me - 622
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 617*
7. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 614*
8. BogOffBernie - 603*
9. Three teams, one dream - 598*
10. The Hopefuls - 524*
11. No Vices Now - 461
12. The Maranello Marvels - 442
13. British Racing Green - 395*
14. Marian's Marvels - 387
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 307
16. Put out to Pastor - 197

*Indicates home track played

German GP - "G shift 12. Pick up rubber"

Ja

Surprising Quotes - Horner: "Red Bull would take a second row"
Female marshals
Team Radio - To Perez: "Please lift and coast...you can't rely on rain...this is the last time I'm warning you."
Secret codes - To Hamilton: "Menu Magic Button 2."  Hamilton: "I've never heard of it."
Hulkcam - swivels and everything.
"Pooer" - how Grosjean pronounces...
Retro year - can now add Kvyat on fire to V6 engines
0.0 - the time difference between Alonso and Ricciardo's finish time
Mattiacci - Kimi needs to work harder

Nein

Massa - time to retire
No awkward bit before the podium - I love the awkward bit

German GP Results

1. Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes - 943
2. The Pitstop Princess - 670
3. The Hopefuls - 661
4. The Mercs - 641
5. No Vices Now - 633
6. Mercrari Hulkenassa - 626
7. Hippy F1 - 601
8. The View from the Back of the Grid - 521
9. League of Extraordinary Pay Drivers - 486
10. Red Bull goes Brazil Nuts!! - 440
11. The Baldy Biker - 407
12. Magnussen Benz over Button - 339
13. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 260
14. Hopefully Prancing Horses not Donkeys - 213

German GP - "That was a tough one. They gave me a run for the money"

Ja

Starting grid photos - it's nice to reflect on those start-of-the-school-year haircuts
Split strategies
Webber's wingcam, mounted sideways - more of it please and more Bottas helmet cam too
Rollercoaster between grandstands
Old School action - an engine blow-out, Alonso hitching a lift back on a scooter
Diplomacy - "A good result for the team" - Grosjean

Nein

Double piano national anthem - full of gravitas
Hamilton's start
Massa - when did he last finish race?  Why did he spin off?  Wasn't Smedley furious?
Pit lane disasters
Team orders - "Kimi is stronger than you.   Kimi is stronger than you"
The drawing of a watch on Hamilton's gloves
Bianchi forgetting to put the handbreak on
Vettel's never won in July before - we are scraping the barrell for stats now
Williams wheelgun/nut problems

German GP Results

1. Scuderia Principe Pitstop - 670
2. What Up Bianchi? - 649
3. I have Vettel but I want his points - 632
4= The Winner Takes Vet Tel - 571
4= Rosberg Benz Over Hamilton - 571
6. Rowntree's Randoms - 534
7. Still Chewing - 530
8. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 465
9. The Sutil Knife - 460
10. Hippy F1 - 459
11. The Pitstop Princess - 451
12. Schumacher's Ghost - 420
13. Superstars - 390
14. I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey! - 375
15. The Baldy Biker - 289
16. Year of the Tifosi - 279
17. 100% British Beef Horsepower - 274
18. The Dark Button - 259

German GP - "Tonight we will party"

It seems where one driver triumphed this race, his team mate disappointed.  Massa continues his concerted efforts to lose his seat at Ferrari, holding up Alonso during qualifying and finishing 12th.  Grosjean felt that the rain came quicker on his car than any other, Raikkonen beginning to show little glimpses of his former self.  Hamilton drove his 100th grand prix and celebrated in his traditional manner of throwing his toys out of the pram, whinging and then finally remembering his PR training for when his helmet comes off.

There was a five second spread over the top ten on the grid, which seems so unusual now.  It didn't seem to make for a topsy turvy race though.  It finished with some on-podium tension between Vettel and Button badly masked through champagne japes and glitter.

German GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Head to head pitstops - some more old-fashioned F1 excitement
2. (new entry) Platitudes - enjoying "coulda, woulda, shoulda doesn't count" from Webber
3. (new entry) Jubilee chic - a Union Jack tacked on to Webber's helmet design and a half Vodaphone, half flag offering on Jenson's cap
4. (new entry) HRT cream and gold overalls - 70s classic styling for the boys at the back
5. (new entry) Rosberg - for his "go faster tablets" quip during Brundle's track guide.  Try that at the Olympics and they'll have you urinating in a cup faster than McLaren can change a set of tyres.

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Whinging - displayed firstly by Schumi about the rain (!) then the usual "tyres not working" from Button then Hamilton in-car about his puncture
2. (new entry) Sky race guide with the McLaren drivers - like the Virgin media ads for those that haven't seen it, lots of pointing and swiping at nothing.  Pretty much like their driving.
3. (new entry) Fan blowers - cooling the drivers.  I think they should return to using large palm leaves.
4. (new entry) Jubilee chic - ubiquitous, enough already
5. (new entry) Not-quite-pink-enough - a la Papa Button's shirt.  Not quite lucky enough for a win.

German GP Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 538
2. Wyld Stallyns - 519
3. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 515
4. White Jeans - 482
5. Better the Vettel you know - 480
6. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 478
7. Still Chewing - 473
8. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 421
9. La Pic di Resta - 417
10. Push Pete's Button - 397
11= Hippy F1 - 387
11= Ferrari Fanatic - 387
13. Crash of the Titans - 382
14. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 371
15. Parkes Winners - 358
16. The Lord of the Wings - 346
17. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 314
18. AbeFromanRacing - 260

Nb. These results are now altered following Vettel's penalty.

German GP - "Great job....keep pushing"

I'm going to keep this posting brief, as I am typing with my left hand owing to right shoulder breakage at the weekend. Sorry to disappoint as I am sure you were expecting some half way trough the season report.

First key point to note is that the last non-Red Bell pole was a Williams. Secondly, why no mention of the Renault deal? Thirdly, why did it take the Beeb so many laps to realise that Barrichello had retired?

Quote of the weekend goes to Alguasauri who, on the grid, told Brundle "This is one of those races where you need to stay on the track."

All in all it seemed to be a bad day at the office for most. Being in Germany gave DC and Brundle the chance to reminisce about all of DC's past failings and to constantly correct how DC is pronouncing "Vettel". WITH ONE L. The Germans did noy fare well at thheir home track. Webber and Massa continue to show that it doesn't matter what they or anyone else does, they are going to be also-rans.

Post-race shennigans were also enjoyablw with Webber giving Alonso a lift old-style and Hamilton hugging people who clearly did not want him in their personal space.

German GP Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 664

2. Still Chewing - 647

3. Besta di Resta - 587

4. Gurning Rubber - 563

5. The Best Team - 528

6. Lord of the Wings - 524

7= The Pitstop Princess - 517

7= Trulli Scrumptious - 517

9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 500

10. Must do better... - 475

11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 379

12. Ferrari Fanatic - 301

13. Hippy F1 - 281

14. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 261

Germany Gibber - "You've been bloody fast all weekend"

Two teams really stood out in this race. Ferrari for their resurgence (both in winning and cheating) and Williams for a fabulous masterclass in travelling backwards. Both cars qualified in the top 10 and then raced to see how low they could finish and how far outside the points, failing to capitalise on a shoddy race by rivals Force India. Although full marks for the 2.9 second pitstop.


The first Schumimove of the race came when Vettel (or Baby Schumi to the German press) concentrated so hard on pushing Alonso into the wall at the start he didn't notice the other Ferrari take full advantage of the open road he was leaving clear.


Then the second Schumimove came from his old team: through gritted teeth "Fernando is faster than you. Can you confirm that you understand the message?" It was a decision that was applauded by Schumacher in post-race interviews. It must be bad.


It was a great race for team radio, playing a key part in Ordersgate as well as letting us hear Petrov getting a ticking off for not reducing his revs.


At the end of the day, Alonso gets 25 points and Massa gets a Yorkshire man on the radio: "Good lad, mate. Felipe Massa is back in business. You were very very magnanimous. You won't have any idea what that word means, so I'll explain it to you later." Massa's German haul is a small, rubbish trophy, a thesaurus and a whippet. If Vettel was not already feeling down in the mouth about finishing third at his home race, he then had to deal with a very awkward situation on the podium. Followed by an BAFTA-winning performance by Alonso describing how his opportunity to overtake came at Turn 6, the hairpin. Aside from "no comment", Massa monosyllabically described how he was not overtaken but passed.


Roll on Hungary, let's see which partnership is next to explode. Will Schumacher finally nobble Rosberg? Will Button put a brick in a custard pie, surely a clown fight is the next PR stunt for the chirpy Brits? Or will Trulli get so sick of Kovalainen's chipper "hey, I love being at the back of the grid" demeanour that he runs him off the road?

Germany Charts

Chart of Lust


1. (static) Intra-team tension - the Pitstop Princess waved her wand, it backfired and stirred up tension between some other teammates.
2. (re-entry) Radio footage - sooo useful
3. (re-entry) Spaniards - winners of the German GP, Tour de France and World Cup. What next? International tiddly-winks?




Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Bickering - the best coverage was when EJ ran off camera to hassle Stefano Domenicali
2. (re-entry) Cheating - we'd just got used to McLaren being the naughty boys when Ferrari felt it was time for a return to the good old days.
3. (new entry) Santander trophies - for every race, so dull, puts me off banking with them entirely 4. (new entry) Reluctant hugs - poor Massa, a hug will not make it better, Fernando
5. (new entry) Matching pink shirts - sigh, DC and Jake

Germany Results

1. Chew Chew Joe - 575
2. Que Senna Senna - 574
3. Blood on the tracks - 571
4. The Lord of the Wings - 528
5. Gurning Rubber - 519
6. The Young and the Restless - 516
7= Hippy F1 - 505
7= Liuzzi goes bananas - 505
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 475
10. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 457
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 422
12. The Pitstop Princess - 418
13. Wheely wheely fast - 413
14. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 392
15. The Cake King - 351
16. Birley Chassis - 308
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 143