Abu Dhabi - "We did it"

It was all looking positive from the very good plane smoke display put on by the race host.  There was nothing big at the start, which I didn't mind for once.  At least we didn't know the outcome of the race/championship by Lap 2.

Mercedes were playing it very cautious, giving the audience some worries during their very long first pit stops.  I say very long, 3.6 seconds for Hamilton on Lap 7 and 4.8 seconds for Rosberg on Lap 9.  Also - first pit stops on Lap 7!

Button showed the world why he's quitting F1 with his steering failure on Lap 12.  He sounded relieved.  And drunk during his post-race interview.

There was a lot of (unnecessary) tyre chat during the race.  When did Karun Chandok become an expert?  I'm not sure I believe anything he says.

On Lap 17, Kvyat showed us where his career is going when he got on his bike to go back to the pits.

It started to get a bit racy by Lap 20, everything was crossed that Verstappen wouldn't do anything silly when Rosberg went for the overtake.  Anytime Verstappen got in the mix, you were put on the edge.

I then have no notes until Lap 44, when Vettel became an "imminent threat".  The stewards finally got involved in the race on the next lap with Palmer.

We saw inside the Mercedes ICT support room a couple of time during the race.  I'm not sure what this added to our viewing pleasure.  The atmosphere was as electric as a Tuesday afternoon at the Hymans Robertson office.

As ever, there was a little something thrown in for the conspiracy theorists.  Was "41.5" a code for Hamilton?

It was a great end to a race and a season.  When Vettel overtook Verstappen on Lap 51 there were some tense laps.  Put out to Pastor commented on that the "reign of terror is over".  The Channel 4 coverage was so different from the BBC, there was no fawning and it did seem to reveal that perhaps Rosberg is the drivers' choice of driver.  Then there were lots of doughnuts.

This led to lots of lovely moments.  The coverage of the mums was nice.  How normal is Mama Hamilton (where was Dad?)?  I can't imagine her sitting down to a roast with Sh*tsinger.  Rosberg did get his anthem on the podium, thanks to the skewed nationality rules.  Rob Smedley had brought his family to the race, very cute.

Then Hamilton trotted out his spiel about how good the crowd is at this track.

Coulthard promised us "faster, wider, louder cars" next year.  I think I have finally cracked this Fantasy F1 lark, after decades of trying.  Crack open the rose water.

Abu Dhabi GP & Championship Results

1 (at last). The Pitstop Princess - 1,246
2. Weak End of Bernie - 1,211
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 1,098
4.Halo, it's me - 1,085
5. Hippy F1 - 1,062
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 1,022
7. Three teams, one dream - 1,007
8. BogOffBernie - 996
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 911
10. The Hopefuls - 900
11. No Vices Now - 795
12. The Maranello Marvels - 760
13. Marian's Marvels - 695
14. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 639
15. British Racing Green - 622
16. Put out to Pastor - 402

Brazil GP - "Terrific drive, Lewis, brilliant"

Sky's coverage got off to a jaunty start with a really good interview with Nico Rosberg.  This is unusual because it wasn't a feature about Lewis Hamilton.

Then it rained.  If anyone was wondering why this is late published, it took us two sittings to get through the entire race.

Grosjean crashed out just getting his car to the grid.  Button must be pleased as this bests his top failure of crashing on the parade lap when he drove for Williams.  Put out to Pastor's team are basically an indicator of who would do badly this race/season.

The rain delay meant that there was lots of shots of rain falling into puddles (if this is popular, I say again, Knockhill GP) and sponsor logo close-ups.  Wet races used to be the exciting ones.

Then Hamilton got water in his eyes.  Angus also does not like getting water in his eyes.  I wonder how the person who washes Lewis's hair tricks him?

On Lap 7, Verstappen performed his first overtake, showing no fear.

Lap 11 saw Vettel aquaplane and then have problems with his wheel gun.  Where was all this bad luck a couple of years ago?  The next big aquaplane was Ericson on lap 14 and Verstappen had to avoid, a hairy moment as he was now on inters.  By lap 20, I couldn't take any more as Raikkonen spun on the pit straight.  Clearly getting old and becoming a mother has affected me more than I'd care to admit.  This brought the red flags out and Massa got a snack bar.  Hamilton gave his jacket to a shivering flag girl.

Everyone went racing again.  Kvyat and Palmer had a near miss which led to the Russian swearing and shouting: "that's a big one", whilst the Brit kept his stiff upper lip and reported some damage.

There was a red flag on lap 28 but I don't know why.  The fans didn't either and they booed and pointed their thumbs downwards.  I started another bout of fast forwarding.  Boulier cryptically told us: "Don't trust the messages on the radio."

Eventually the racing got back underway with a few mishaps here and there before Massa spun on lap 48.  This guaranteed him his moment in the sun (rain).  He was crying (and posing for photos).  Croft commented that: "This is not how Felipe Massa would have wanted to end".  As a Williams supporter, me neither but when has he really brought us any points?  The teams came out to in to the pit lane to give him a cheer.  Do the successful drivers ever get this response?

FoM is clearly trying to appear to a younger market, broadcasting images of Gutierrez having a row with his boss and stomping off.

In the end though, Verstappen brought the show to Brazil.  How much longer until we hate Verstappen the way we hated Vettel and Schumacher?

Brazil GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,189*
2. Weak End of Bernie - 1,156*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 1,047*
4. Halo, it's me - 1,042*
5. Hippy F1 - 1,010*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 977*
7. The Hopefuls - 850*
8. Marian's Marvels - 677*
9. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 599*
10. British Racing Green - 588*
11. No Vices Now - 775*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 725*
13. Put out to Pastor - 372*

*All teams have now played their home track.

Mexico GP - "Really solid weekend"

Vettel dominated the weekend one way or another.  Starting with "Am I safe?  I need to pee." during qualifying.  Then a puncture in Lap 1.  It was quite an interesting first lap - I've written "boom boom boom" about the Virtual Safety Car period.  I can't remember why.
During the race we heard a lot from Vettel and Alonso over the radio, mainly whinging.  Until Vettel's now infamous sweary rant.  He wasn't punished for this, having apologised but I remember watching the sport from a very young age and I want Angus to be able to watch it without the bleeping.  Off with his head!
There were a couple of flashbacks to past seasons.  We saw an awful lot of Fisichella.  Some very synchronised team order passes from Red Bull and Williams too.
The TV viewing in Mexico must shoot up for this race.  The camera barely seemed to leave Perez (other than to show us Fisichella).
Coulthard decribed the race as "slow burn". Admittedly I don't have many notes [there was a 20% off on ASOS yesterday.  Ed.]  I enjoyed Hulkenberg giving Williams a spin to help them out in Lap 68.  Then there was all the Vettel/Verstappen carry on.  Vettel was raised and subsequently lowered in the results table.  His wagging finger ultimately not helping him.  Verstappen had to leave the podium room but it was still not the most awkward atmosphere of the season.
Finally, Vettel was crowned Driver of the Day.  Which rules out all thoughts I had to including that in a new scoring system for next season.

Mexico GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,108*
2. Weak end of Bernie - 1.075*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 990*
4. Halo, it's me - 974*
5. Hippy F1 - 932*
6. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 926*
7. The Hopefuls - 792*
8. No Vices Now - 757*
9. The Maranello Marvels - 701*
10. Marian's Marvels - 659*
11. British Racing Green - 570*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 493
13. Put out to Pastor - 362*

* Home track played.  Keep biting your nails, Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom is still to play their home track in Brazil...this could be a game-changer!

US GP - "Good job boy"

Starting at the beginning, what happened on Lap 1 between Bottas and Hulk?  Unfair.  At least it was a long stop for Force India and then he was out.  Then Lap 3, Button was suddenly 10th.  How?  By Lap 9, Race Control were investigating a lot with no action required anywhere.  There was quite a bit of overtaking, although the cars look so tiny on the wide track, that shouldn't be a surprise.  Then there were a few raised eyebrows coming up.  Rosberg wasn't happy to be playing "the long game". Verstappen made an unscheduled pit stop: "I thought you boxed me, sorry".  Followed by an engine failure for him, he definitely wouldn't be finishing 4th.  This led to a Virtual Safety Car and an opportunity for the conspiracy theorists to take centre stage.  Why did Verstappen park the car so as to cause a VSC if Ricciardo was not going to benefit from it?  By Lap 39, Raikkonen had to stop his car coming out of the pits with a wheel potentially unattached.  There were lots of bloopers during the race like this, including Ricciardo swearing about Rosberg.  I wish I knew what he really said.

I finished the race wondering why Bottas couldn't have made up more places and enjoying Alonso's "yeeha"!

US GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,051*
2. The Weak End of Bernie - 1.020*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 939*
4. Halo, it's me - 927*
5. Hippy F1 - 880*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 877*
7. The Hopefuls - 745*
8. No Vices Now - 733*
9. The Maranello Marvels - 674*
10. Marian's Marvels - 641*
11.British Racing Green - 552*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 476
13. Put out to Pastor - 348*

*Home track played

Japan GP - "one in the land of the rising sun"

Well, that was a cracking race.  The best of the season in my humble opinion.

I started off feeling chipper about it as Raikkonen overtook Vettel in the championship points in Malaysia, which feels like justice.  I really enjoyed Sky's focus on the Japanese fans and all their costumes and accessories.  Could it get any better?  Hamilton's poor start!

However, it all went out the window when I realised that Williams were running 13th and 14th.

There were so many twists and turns: Hulkenberg's "see you later", Ricciardo's long stop, all the whinging about blue flags and no retirements!  Mercedes won the constructors championship but that was a given.

What followed the race was awkward.  No one spoke in the cool down room.  It would be easy to poke fun at Kai Ebel but we give the world Eddie Jordan.  Hamilton swerved the question about his start - did he think we would forget?

Rosberg has now won 9 races, no one who has won this many has not gone on to win the championship...

Japan GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 969*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 937
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 882*
4. Halo, it's me - 876*
5. Hippy F1 - 832*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 820*
7. No Vices Now - 709*
8. The Hopefuls - 701*
9. The Maranello  Marvels - 658*
10. Marian's Marvels - 606*
11. British Racing Green - 505*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 437
13. Put out to Pastor - 320*

* Home track played

Malaysia GP - "I think we did bloody good"

It was a hideous start to the race all round.  Massa lost his throttle on the grid (did he check in the glovebox?).  Then there was the crazy long lights to go.  Next Vettel tapped Rosberg, prompting Put out Pastor to comment: "Well, that's Hamilton's race" and Verstappen to comment "Vettel is crazy".  I remember when Vettel used to do the Crazy Frog song.

Haas had amazing grid places, then Gutierrez got a puncture, before going out on Lap 42 with a lost tyre and Grosjean failed.  There were big disappointments all round.  Massa also got a puncture in Lap 7.  Ocon sped in the pits, twice.

Better news for McLaren, Alonso made up a spectacular 12 places in 4 laps.  Perhaps AlonsoCam should be a red button option.

The race really came alive in Lap 39 with Rosberg and Raikkonen battling, then Ricciardo and Verstappen. Two laps later there were high fives on our sofa as Hamilton caught fire.  Toto had his head in his hands, we heard Hamilton on the radio and we did then feel a little sorry for him.  Two laps more and Rosberg was awarded a 10 second penalty for absolutely nothing.

The final, honorable mention should go to Jolyon Palmer performing badly in a mediocre car finally getting his first F1 point.

So for the first time in living memory, we have an F1 weekend where Mercedes didn't dominate.  Here's hoping for a fantastic final five races.

Malaysia GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 911*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 877
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 836*
4. Halo, it's me - 835*
5. Hippy F1 - 799*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 777*
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 776*
8. BogOffBernie - 767*
9. Three teams, one dream - 761*
10. The Hopefuls - 676*
11. No Vices Now - 666*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 620*
13. Marian's Marvels - 526
14. British Racing Green - 473*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 400
16. Put out to Pastor - 292*

*Home track played

Singapore GP - "Brilliant drive"

Another fantastic qualifying session delivered this season.  An interesting addition was the inclusion of interviews with Ocon and Wehrlein as Sky had to fill the time whilst they rebuilt the safety barrier somehow.
I think that was the earliest crash in a race I have seen.  As Hulkenberg went out it was good news for Williams, then Massa got a puncture, then Bottas' seat came undone, then Massa had a slow stop, then... then... then...
There was a marshal on track during Lap 3, preceded by a giant lizard in FP3.  Singapore is always a funny race.
Hamilton's frustration at being in third couldn't be hidden: "I need a strategy I can overtake".  In response they gave Rosberg a slow pit stop.  Where's the bias now?
The best scrap of the race was Kvyat versus Verstappen.  Was that message about Alonso being Kvyat's real target a coded message for the Toro Rosso driver to move out of the way for the Red Bull?
There was much whooping when Raikkonen overtook Hamilton for a podium place on Lap 33.  Only for Ferrari to give it away and then Raikkonen gave up, as usual.
It was a procession but quite an interesting procession.  And looked stunning too.

Singapore GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 878*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 844
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 817*
4. Halo, it's me - 810*
5. Hippy F1 - 765*
6. Claire has to type this sentence out each time as my team name - 752*
7. BogOffBernie - 742*
8= Beauty & the F1 Geek - 736*
8= Three teams, one dream - 736*
10. The Hopefuls - 649*
11. No Vices Now - 626*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 588*
13. Marian's Marvels - 493
14. British Racing Green - 463*
15. Indiana Walker & the Tyres of Doom - 388
16. Put out to Pastor - 281*

*Home track played

Italy GP - "Really good job on that first stint"

Sad (?) news to start the weekend with Massa and Button retiring.  Button may come back in 2018.  I imagine he will be snapped trying to get into his car in a wet suit and then charged with drunk driving.  Will we see the Massa family in hospitality most weekends?  Will he be the new Jean Alesi?
What to write about qualifying?  Dull, dull, dull.
Then on to the race.  A good start with Bottas telling DC where to stick it on the grid.  Then a slow start by the Mercedes, or at least one Mercedes.  Hamilton told the team: "Don't worry about the start, it was my fault."  The words he is looking for is "sorry".
And I have no notes after that.  I spent the race quietly cursing Verstappen and Massa for not getting more points/not starting lower down the grid and working their way up/not getting fastest lap as I thought this was my home track.  It's not.
Finally, the podium. Jordan got to show off the four words of Italian he knows.  Then Vettel had a go with his standard Italian phrases of "grazie" and "grazie mille".  Rosberg went next and interviewed for a seat at Ferrari, which was quite funny until he started singing Seven Nation Army.

Italy GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 826*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 794
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 775*
4. Halo, it's me - 768*
5. Hippy F1 - 739*
6. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 712*
7. BogOffBernie - 701* (looks like it's going to happen!)
8. Three dreams, one team - 696*
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 694*
10. The Hopefuls - 629*
11. No Vices Now - 586*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 550*
13. Marian's Marvels - 452
14. British Racing Green - 436*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 357
16. Put out to Pastor - 255*

Belgium GP - "Awesome result"

A race that has to be written about in prose...

Following an artificially exciting qualifying, the track and grid combined promised a great race.  And then...how many times did I need to rewatch that start?!  Rosberg went off like lightening, I thought Verstappen was in the lead for a while.  How did Vettel keep going after that shunt?  Next, Sainz blew a tyre: E for effort in trying to get that car back to the pits.  The F1 bleeper editor was working overtime although missed a big F from Sainz and then some more from Raikkonen in a couple of laps time.  Next, we saw Raikkonen's car on fire, cue the puns.  DC contributed: "gone up in smoke".  I needed the virtual safety car on Lap 3 to catch my breath.  Next thing I knew, Button was being interviewed on Lap 5.  Just as I was wondering why was Massa up in the top 5 and then suddenly 13th on lap 6, Magnussen completely smashed the tyre wall to smithereens.  He was limping but okay but I don't think I've ever seen the insides of a car like that.  With the race red-flagged, I was amazed to discover that Alonso was in 4th place.  Bedward reported that a Williams mechanic was "slightly injured" - he had dislocated his knee.  Bedward is the Black Knight of F1.  As the race unfolded that action lessened, Raikkonen really brought the racing (and the swearing) and it doesn't seem fitting that he finished with only 2 points.  The action switched to the pit lane with Hamilton suffering a poor tyre change then Alonso and Hulkenberg battling it out.

At the end of the race, I felt that if Rosberg hadn't have won this race, he really wouldn't be a fitting world champion.  The booing was unnecessary though.

Belgium GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 777*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 743
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 729*
4. Hippy F1 - 700*
5. Halo, it's me - 666
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 661*
7. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 659*
8. BogOffBernie - 648*
9. Three teams, one dream - 643*
10. The Hopefuls - 591*
11. No Vices Now - 551*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 464
13. Marian's Marvels - 427
14. British Racing Green - 409*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 337*
16. Put out to Pastor - 209

*  Home track played

Germany GP - "Get in there Lewis, beautiful start"

This post is guest-written by Put Out to Pastor.  Although based on his FF1 score this year, I have no idea why you should pay any heed to this man's Formula 1 based ramblings.

For a race that had lots of on-track, non-DRS passes, and no toddler interrupting it, I struggled to find much of real interest:

Lebenkuchens

• Pit Stop Princes - Blisteringly fast tyre changes are all Williams having going for them at the moment.

• Return of Radio - Allowing Vettel to overrule the team on strategy... Who says the wall coaches the drivers?

• Feeling Bullish - Never thought I'd be happy to see Red Bull returning as a challenger.

Dummkopfs

• Rotten Rosberg - Another poor start costs him and he frightened poor little Max.

• Blue flag Gutierrez - Red Bull to Danny Ric: "He's doing it to everyone, he's not just picking on you".

• Grid walk (Sky) a celeb-free zone - Did anyone else feel slightly awkward at Mick Schumacher kicking about?

• Media located in Hamilton's backside - Why do they love him? Everything he does makes me cringe ("I'm fricking sweating so much")

Germany GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 737*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 702
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 676*
4. Hippy F1 - 655*
5. Halo, it's me - 622
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 617*
7. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 614*
8. BogOffBernie - 603*
9. Three teams, one dream - 598*
10. The Hopefuls - 524*
11. No Vices Now - 461
12. The Maranello Marvels - 442
13. British Racing Green - 395*
14. Marian's Marvels - 387
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 307
16. Put out to Pastor - 197

*Indicates home track played