Malaysia GP - Results

1. No Vices Now - 931*
2. Moneyball - 915*
3. Two World Champions, two future World Champions and, um, two other guys - 910*
4. Torque of the Devil - 846*
5. Hoping for an Indian Summer - 836*
6. Evel Marque - 834*
7. Bernie is a hobbit - 815*
8. The Pitstop Princess - 785
9. Jenson's Whinging Legacy - 780*
10. Even more hopeful - 763*
11. Burn After Racing - 699*
12. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 666*
13. BOT-RAI-PER - 549*
14. Hippy F1 - 511*
15. Slightly Slower Racing - 476

*Home track played

I SHALL BE CHASING SUBS THIS WEEK!!!

Malaysia GP - "Great start to a new decade (for you)"

It wasn't a bad race.  The start looked unpromising with Vettel at the back of the grid and Raikkonen wheeled off with a poorly motor but Verstappen overtook Hamilton on Lap 4 and it was Game On.  Gasly did a good job replacing Kvyat and there was lots of overtaking up and down the field.  Team radio keeps on giving.  Hulkenberg was told: "stopping is not an option".  That's F1 101.  Press the Red Button for Vettel's own race commentary: "Come on Alonso, I thought you were better than that."  Ricciardo was advised: "You've broken Vettel's spirit...he's run out of tyres".  Spirit and tyres being intrinsically linked.

Something went awry between Vettel and Stroll on the cool down lap, perhaps Vettel had received the surprising news that he is Driver of the Day?  He got a lift back from Wehrlein; the only way Wehrlein is going to get any TV coverage.

The podium was unsightly too.  Hamilton took his shoes off (?!) and Webber was allowed up without a suit jacket on (this is what we base podium interviewer guesses on.)

I'm not sure if this was picked up by the TV production teams but it was Verstappen's 20th birthday (which makes me feel very old) and it might have been the last race in Malaysia?

Malaysia GP - "I think we did bloody good"

It was a hideous start to the race all round.  Massa lost his throttle on the grid (did he check in the glovebox?).  Then there was the crazy long lights to go.  Next Vettel tapped Rosberg, prompting Put out Pastor to comment: "Well, that's Hamilton's race" and Verstappen to comment "Vettel is crazy".  I remember when Vettel used to do the Crazy Frog song.

Haas had amazing grid places, then Gutierrez got a puncture, before going out on Lap 42 with a lost tyre and Grosjean failed.  There were big disappointments all round.  Massa also got a puncture in Lap 7.  Ocon sped in the pits, twice.

Better news for McLaren, Alonso made up a spectacular 12 places in 4 laps.  Perhaps AlonsoCam should be a red button option.

The race really came alive in Lap 39 with Rosberg and Raikkonen battling, then Ricciardo and Verstappen. Two laps later there were high fives on our sofa as Hamilton caught fire.  Toto had his head in his hands, we heard Hamilton on the radio and we did then feel a little sorry for him.  Two laps more and Rosberg was awarded a 10 second penalty for absolutely nothing.

The final, honorable mention should go to Jolyon Palmer performing badly in a mediocre car finally getting his first F1 point.

So for the first time in living memory, we have an F1 weekend where Mercedes didn't dominate.  Here's hoping for a fantastic final five races.

Malaysia GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 911*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 877
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 836*
4. Halo, it's me - 835*
5. Hippy F1 - 799*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 777*
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 776*
8. BogOffBernie - 767*
9. Three teams, one dream - 761*
10. The Hopefuls - 676*
11. No Vices Now - 666*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 620*
13. Marian's Marvels - 526
14. British Racing Green - 473*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 400
16. Put out to Pastor - 292*

*Home track played

Malaysia GP - "Numero Uno is back"

Yes please

Front wing cameras - on Bottas and Rosberg's cars, great shots
Pit crew helmet camera - interesting
Petting Vettel -  "good boy, good boy"
Resurgence of McLaren - Button: "we're catching cars".  Team: "Hulkenberg is holding them up."
Rookies - Mehri finished the race and Verstappen become the youngest ever points-scorer

No thanks

EJ - "The people of Germany should get together and discuss the loss of the race".  Agenda Item #2, the loss of Greece from the EU?
Penalties - lots of rubbish ones issued, starting with Grosjean
Doubting - why did Raikkonen go past the pit lane with a puncture?  Because Nasr tapped after the pit lane (no penalty)
Sauber's pit - appeared to be tacked on to the end of the pit lane...what happens if even more teams race next year?
Retro happenings - Ericcson beached himself
Missing wheels - Bottas
Early baths - for McLaren
Graphics disaster - just as I'd started to rely on the coloured lines that indicate the team, they got all mixed up

Malaysia GP Results

1= HamBerg from McCedes drive through please - 171
1= DC's Tighty Whitey - 171
3= Sharks Have No Bones :) - 162
3= Teutonic Titans, Titanic Twits - 162
5. Lots of Trouble Usually Serious - 161
6. Baby on Board - 138
7. The F1 Flumps - 125
8. Go Fast and Prosper - 118
9. Double Mercedes is Boring! - 114
10= Muppet Racing - 112
10= Mike and the Mechanics - 112
12. Hippy F1 - 99
13. The Pitstop Princess - 96
14. I blame Clarkson - 88
15= The Hopefuls - 78
15= Beauty & the F1 Geek - 78
17= No Vices Now - 76
17= I Monza Brink of Insanity - 76
17= The Very Good Value - 76
20. Juan Angus Fangio C.I. - 72
21. Baby Pitstop's Change Crew - 61
22. 10CC - 40

Malaysian GP - "Awesome race...faultless weekend"

I'm not sure how appropriate Hamilton's post-race comment is to the overall spectacle.  One of the more mediocre races I've seen recently.  Although Ricciardo did his best to keep it interesting.

Yes

Rivalry between Massa and Bottas - one team is trying to keep it interesting


No

Rivalry between Massa and Bottas - this will only lose us points
"Stiction" - DC's new word for friction
Avery labels - as used to make the "pray for the lost flight" stickers for drivers' helmets.  Classy.
"The unluckiest man in Formula 1" - I feel the phrase may be making a comeback for Ricciardo
Hoovers - voted the new sound of F1 by you, the readers
Massa - out of the frying pan into the fire - "Bottas is faster than you"
Hamilton's hair - ???
Cumberbatch for interviews - I am a little split on this one as he asked the most insightful questions since Damon Hill but still....
Plugging the sponsor - was there a financial bonus for the number of times Petronas got mentioned by Merc personnel? 

Malaysian GP Results

1. Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes - 235*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 151
3. The Hopefuls - 128
4. Hippy F1 - 126
5. Mercrari Hulkenassa - 122
6. No Vices Now - 114
7. Magnussen Benz over Button - 112
8. The Mercs - 109
9. The Baldy Biker - 100
10. The View From the Back of the Grid - 94
11. League of extraordinary pay drivers - 92
12. Hopefully Prancing Horses not Donkeys - 54
13. Red Bull goes Brazil nuts!! - 45
14. Beauty and the F1 Geek - 35

Malaysian GP - "Looked like you wanted it bad enough but there'll be some explaining to do"

Such a lot to talk about this week and sadly most of it based on what happened over the airwaves rather than on track.  It was a weekend of naughty boys.  Raikkonen kicked things off blocking Rosberg during Qually and being penalised three places.  Whilst the close racing between teammates was exciting at the time, the following radio, recrimination, apologies and analysis was out of proportion.  Even in the pantomime villain days of Schumacher, it was shrugged off.  It was tense in the pre-podium prep room and on the podium, a moment that is as much for the fans surely.  Webber blew Red Bull's cover of "multi 21" meaning "hold places" and assuring that his post-F1 career will not be as a spy (and it seems now that that career is looming large on the horizon).  Webber tried manly lunges on the podium to assert some sort of authority and claimed that Vettel "will have protection".  His Dad also felt that the Austrian mafia will be Seb's side.  Webber clearly stated that he felt he won the race.  Meanwhile, Hamilton felt that his third position was Rosberg's.  When did we last see this podium gesturing...  Helmut Marko tried to wave at flying pigs by stating that Mercedes have lead and support drivers.  Ultimately, isn't everyone forgetting that Webber did exactly the same thing to Vettel at Silverstone in 2011.  It's crazy and I doubt that Webber will be supporting Vettel's title challenge later this season.

Ferrari gave the race to Red Bull in the opening laps.  Those who weren't naughty were pretty much silly sausages.  Why wouldn't you bring in a driver whose nose was hanging on by a thread?  Force India also score a mention in this paragraph with the epic fail of their new wheel nuts.  A fault made worse as they double-stacked drivers in the pits.  Toro Rosso were fined 10,000 Euros for releasing Vergne into Pic's path out of his box.  Also, in the pits, Button was released despite one of his mechanics having not signalled that he had finished changing a tyre.  The final silly sausage is Hamilton who drove into the McLaren pit box.  These are all school boy errors - what is happening to F1?

More please

Massa - so so happy to secure P2 on the grid
Return of the gazebos
Ponchos
Benefit of the doubt - owed to Webber and Rosberg now - "remember this one"

No thanks

Interviews and/or slo mo replays of the Pussy Cat Doll
DNF Maldonado

Malaysian GP - Results

1. Scuderia Principe Pitstop - 164
2. I hate Vettel but I want his points - 147
3= What's up Bianchi? - 146
3= The winner takes Vet Tel - 146
5. Hippy F1 - 125
6. I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey! - 115
7. Rowntree's Randoms - 112
8. Still Chewing - 108
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 107
10. Rosberg Benz over Hamilton - 103
11. The Sutil Knife - 85
12. The Pitstop Princess - 84
13. Superstars - 83
14. Schumacher's Ghost - 79
15. Year of the Tifosi - 54
16. The Dark Button - 43
17. The Baldy Biker - 39
18. 100% British Beef Horsepower - 33

Malaysia Musings - "This is one of the most, most beautiful. We are so proud of you and the team."

The weekend started with speculation that Massa is going to be ditched by Ferrari. Alonso says he has his support, I think he once said that he got on with Hamilton too. Not to worry Felipe, I'm sure that triumphant 15th place will secure you for the rest of the season (not forgetting that incredible pass on a Caterham).

Following qualifying, I was left hoping that the Red Bulls will get better, which is unusual. I'm not sure I fancy another season of one team monopolising pole position. The other turnaround is Schumacher's abysmal performance in the rain, I thought he was the regenmeister? Ordinarily, rain makes a race more interesting. Nowadays, we just hang out a red flag as soon as a black cloud appears on the horizon. I vote to give drivers better wet weather tyres, wipers on their visors and inflatable arm bands. The cameramen have to resort to becoming ornithologists, filming wet feathers. There were some odd wet weather pairings, I would like to have been a damp fly on the wall for the conversations between the Hulk and di Resta and Schumi and Massa. The rain also got into Red Bull electronics and broke their radios, leading to the best Murrayball of the season: "Vettel, your radio is not working".

I'm enjoying Williams slight resurgence, even if Senna calls himself a "crash magnet" and Maldonado can only compete in a race until the penultimate lap.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that no one team is dominating. Red Bull are confused and dismayed by their lack of pace. It was great to see the overjoyed responses of Domenicali and Sauber. Mercedes are not scoring points, despite huge pre-season hype. Lastly, Raikkonen seems to be up for the fight. Roll on China.

Malaysia GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Not buying a gazebo - how Williams have raised those extra few pennies to buy Renault engines this year.
2. (new entry) Special waterproof helmet-carry-cases - Ferrari pay attention to every little detail in their operation, apart from the car obviously.
3. (new entry) Sandwich bags - covering all electronic equipment, radios etc., to protect them from the rain. Austerity chic.
4. (new entry) The hokey-cokey - in, out, in, out. Is Vettel pitting or not?
5. (new entry) Positive encouragement - Smedley to Massa: "good effort". Oh, no, that's not positive encouragement...that's lies.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Red Flag wusses - It was only spitting!
2. (new entry) Sauber - for making cars that look exactly like Williams'.
3. (new entry) Button's cool vest - still looks like a toddler float vest.
4. (new entry) Silver lycra - as sported by the clapping ladies, like cut-price superheroes.
5.(new entry) Owen Wilson -we've found someone with even less to say about F1 than Georgie Thompson.

Malaysia GP Results

1.White Jeans - 155
2= Pic di Resta - 104
2= Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 104
4. Crash of the Titans - 103
5. Wyld Stallyns - 97
6= Hippy F1 - 95
6= The Lord of the Wings - 95
8.Parkes Winners - 92
9. Still Chewing - 81
10. AbeFromanRacing - 75
11. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 68
12. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 67
13. Better the Vettel you know - 66
14. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 64
15. Ferrari Fanatic - 63
16. The Pitstop Princess - 58
17. Push Pete's Button - 56
18. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 40

Malaysia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Heidfeld - beautiful start
2. (new entry) New Phrases - this weekend I have added the following to my list of catchphrases:

• "few squirrels on the track" (DC to di Resta, meaning, "I know a few track secrets")


• "sounding Harry Flatters to me" (Brundle commenting that a tyre sounded flat)


• "running in dirty air" (DC, meaning having a terrible time behind someone else)


• "reaching the cliff" (everyone, meaning "about to become rubbish)


• "space capacity" (DC, meaning, "all that talent that you don't use")


• "the Leonardo Da Vinci of Formula 1" (Brundle referring to Newey)

3. (new entry) Lots of team radio - so much more insightful than DC

4. (new entry) Watching the race with my Mum - comments included: "No Country for Old Men" (Schumacher and Barrichello)

5. (new entry) Renault gold suits - my Mum says that he "deserves to win with that suit, dressed for success".

Chart of Loathing

1.(new entry) Calling Vettel the "championship leader" - he's only won one race!

2. (new entry) Kinky Kylie - Vettel give it up, now verging on misogyny

3. (new entry) KERS chat - enough already

4. (new entry) DC - for pronouncing it "Heidfield"

5. (new entry) Facial furniture - Hamilton and Heidfeld mainly

Malaysia - "In the heat, we kept our heads cool"

There was once again, lots to ponder after the race. Why are Ferrari, with most of the world's resources at their disposal (Portugal will be approaching them for a bail-out), gunning for 6 and 7 in qualifying? How frustrated exactly must Kubica be, watching eternal also-ran Heidfeld and ropey Petrov acheiving so much in his car? Could they have glued the cars together a little better this year? Why did Heidfeld chat to Newey after the race? A bit of networking? Does Eddie Jordan have a short neck or always wear high-collar shirts?

It was a difficult race for lots of drivers. Schumacher and Hamilton rallied and pitted and barely saw the track tarmac. Alonso radioed "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. Don't worry." as his team despaired.

Malaysia Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 176
2. Still Chewing - 123
3. Besta di Resta - 122
4. Gurning Rubber - 105
5. Must do better... - 103
6= The Pitstop Princess - 96
6= Trulli Scrumptious - 96
8. The Best Team - 95
9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 92
10. Lord of the Wings - 91
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 74
12. Hippy F1 - 71
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 69
14. Are all Williams Fans Masochists? - 28
15. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 26

Malaysia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Adrian Newey - please come back to Williams
2. (up 1) Rain - this time for qualifying, sets up great races
3. (new entry) Newbies First Points - Alguasauri and Hulkenberg, watching them take their first steps
4. (re-entry) Lotus - cheery Tony Fernandes and pretty colours everywhere
5. (new entry) Johnny Herbert - the fourth steward for the race, why didn't I notice in the 90s that he's as camp as Christmas?

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Sweaty Eddie - everyone commented
2. (new entry) Jake and DCs matching bracelets - are they Forever Friends?
3. (new entry) Helmet Dryers - to dry out the sweat - ew
4. (down 2) Bitter Twist of Fate - this time for Webber with a sticking wheelnut
5. (new entry) Coolvests - now with sponsorship but they still look like floating aids for toddlers

Malaysia - "Is that sweet or is that sweet?"

Qualifying set the stage for a race full of overtaking with Massa, Alonso, Button and Hamilton out after the first session and at the back of the grid. As Hamilton said, they're a team and they win together and they lose together and qualifying was losing together. So, yawn, the Red Bulls were 1 and 3 but Rosberg was almost one second faster and six places ahead than his team mate.

Williams qualified well, setting them up to return to their old ways of throwing it all away in the race. The old man stalled on the grid.

So, the race, Bernie said that if it doesn't rain he wants his money back. Well, the Malaysian government will have their chequebook out then. Nevertheless it was still a good race.

Schumi finished the race with a "three wheely car", does this make him the Del Boy of the pitlane? More Mercedes news: how is it possible to change tyres in 3.9 seconds? It took me longer to type that.

At at the end of the race, Massa leads the championship. What? How? 2nd, 5th and 7th. Vettel skipped to the podium but it seems unfair that he's not leading the championship or Webber, who looked fuming in the press conference. A perfect podium? Well other than the flags being wrong - turns out Roberg is Australian and Webber a German.

Rosberg said he was very happy to give Mercedes their first podium. I am very happy it was him too, given the alternative. He seems to be raising a smile on Ross Brawn's face unlike his team mate. If there are no results for Schumacher after China, four races in, what will he do? Here's hoping it's something spectacular.

Malaysia Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 206
2. Gurning Rubber - 142
3= Lord of the Wings - 136
3= Hippy F1 - 136
5. Blood on the tracks - 133
6. The Pitstop Princess - 129
7.Liuzzi goes bananas - 128
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 124
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 123
10. Birley Chassis - 115
11. The Young and the Restless - 110
12. Chew Chew Joe - 109
13. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 105
14. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 99
15. The Cake King - 89
16. Wheely wheely fast - 86
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 52