Brazilian GP - "Oh my God guys"

The season finishes with a lot of uncertainty, many drivers and unsigned and seats are empty.  Schumi drove his last race in F1 (fingers crossed) having celebrated by driving round his outlap with a chequered flag and delivering a radio message to his supporters: "get ready to rumble".

Before Hamilton fills his seat at Mercedes, he told DC that McLaren is the best team.  Onwards and upwards, eh? 

Then the lights went out.  Vettel's poor start meant he was in the pack and ripe for a collision.  Whilst Massa and Alonso went out front, both Williams went out in lap one.  There was lots teammate-on-teammate action during the race, McLarens, Red Bulls and Ferraris running close together and the Torro Rossos running in to each other.

The rain and poor pitstops through added spice into the mix.  No two forecasts were the same or even informing of the same amount of rain currently falling.  The thrills and spills kept coming so we were never sure who would win the drivers championship: Hulkenberg taking out Hamilton, Hulkenberg getting a drive-through penalty, drivers moving over.  Ultimately Alonso couldn't have done more and why was Massa so upset on the podium?

It was a great race, a classic, ending the most competitive and tense seasons for a long, long while.  Expectations are high for next year.

Brazilian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Rain - not enough to have us watch a stopped race but enough to make it very exciting
2. (new entry) Massa - absolutely stunning driving on 1st and 2nd lap, which continued throughout the race as he demonstrated why he is the best teammate  in F1
3. (new entry) Hamilton's helmet - another beauty
4. (new entry) Rallying - Raikkonen's excursion (and subsequent points finish) played a part in this unique race
5. (new entry) Hulkenberg - spiced up the championship race by taking Hamilton out

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Exciting races - I didn't get any knitting done
2. (new entry) Hulkenberg - hero to zero and a real shame that he took out Hamilton
3. (re-entry) Schumacher - giving his place to Vettel.  Seb - it's only unfair if you have more than one driver who will make way for you (no mentioning of the Torro Rossos too)
4. (new entry) Piquet - more vetting is needed for the on-podium interviewer.  To Alonso: "I'm sorry about you."  To Massa: "You start the year not very good."
5. (re-entry) Schumacher - milling about at the end and claiming all the glory, well, I suppose if he hadn't inspired Vettel to drive...

Brazilian GP & Championship Results

1. Better the Vettel you know - 1,132
2. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 1,061
3. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 1,056
4. Still Chewing - 1,042
5. White Jeans - 1,038
6. Wyld Stallyns - 1,002
7. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 990
8. The Pitstop Princess - 959
9. La Pic di Resta - 951
10. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 875
11. Crash of the Titans - 852
12. Parkes Winners - 822
13. The Lord of the Wings - 814
14. Hippy F1 - 806
15. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 745
16. Push Pete's Button - 699
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 681

US GP - "We definitely deserved that one"

Race morning did not hold a promising outlook.  Button had said that overtaking was unlikely and Alonso was far down the grid on the dirty side.  Then Ferrari gave pundits an early Christmas present by deliberately breaking the seal on Massa's gear box to move him five places down the grid.  Ferrari's spokesman said that: "Felipe is a strong part of the team.  His decision reflects the spirit of the team."  Yes, he's very much part of the team and not the teamleader.  Felipe said they had made the decision in order to have both cars on the clean side of the grid.  He is very gullible.  He was asked if Alonso had spoken with him: "Yes".

On to the race.  As Mr Pitstop Princess commented: "It's so easy to pass Schumacher these days".  Indeed, he finished 16th, having started 5th.  Ferrari possibly lost the drivers championship with a poor pitstop, especially when you compare it to the amazing stops of Vettel and Raikkonen.

As much as it pains me to say it, I'm glad Hamilton won as it keeps the championship alive.  Roll on Sunday.

ps. apologies for the delay in posting the results but our internet connection has been Grosjean (great occasionally but usually crashes).

US GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) The Circuit of the Americas - delivered a great race
2. (new entry) Winnebago's - to watch the race from the top of, what a wonderful idea
3. (new entry) Texan head wear - Vettel's helmet design and the winner's stetsons
4. (new entry) Sky's coverage - notably the shot of two Americans missing a high 5
5. (new entry) Showers forecast - for Interlagos, promises to be one of those great showdowns

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Texan head wear - again - lampshades in China and cork hats in Australia to follow
2. (new entry) Panoramic shots of the car parking facilities - indicative of the lack of inspiration by the television directors for this race
3. (new entry) Pitstop replays - see above
4. (new entry) Andretti - all statement and no questions
5. (new entry) Not knowing - would Massa have won if he hadn't taken the penalty?

US GP Results

1. Better the Vettel you know - 1,100
2. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 1,050
3. Still Chewing - 1,009
4. White Jeans - 999
5. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 996
6. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 962
7. Wyld Stallyns - 957
8. The Pitstop Princess - 938
9. La Pic di Resta - 891
10. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 832
11. Crash of the Titans - 776
12. Hippy F1 - 757
13. Parkes Winners - 754
14. The Lord of the Wings - 716
15. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 685
16. Push Pete's Button - 668
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 666

Abu Dhabi GP - "Yeehah, woohoo" "Thanks guys. Great job."

The BBC F1 trio were sent out the desert for this race's build-up.  Instead of being covered in jam and buried in the sand, as hoped, they sat on a tree trunk wearing keffiyehs.  I expect we will see Stetsons in Texas, bowl of fruit hats for Brazil and lampshades in China.

Despite this there was a lot to look forward to in the race with seven different teams in the top 8 grid positions and Vettel being sent to start from the pit lane.  It didn't disappoint, although there must have been a lot of disappointment in the paddock post-race.  With Vettel's astonishing finish, Alonso has no luck (but still not taking the position of unluckiest driver which sits with Webber).  The shunt of the season was delivered by Rosberg and Karthikeyan.  It was joyous to hear the Finnish national anthem again and Schumacher is now the only world champion currently racing not to have won a race this year.  Why was there so many mistakes for what should have been a processional race?

Finally, does the pit exit remind anyone else of the Funhouse circuit?

Abu Dhabi GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Vettel - even though we wish he hadn't even scored points, he drove an outstanding race
2. (new entry) Strops - normally featuring in the Chart of Loathing demonstrated by Hamilton but Raikkonen delivered some outstanding ones over the radio today
3. (new entry) Anything you can do, I can do better - swearing on the podium
4. (static) Glittery helmets
5. (re-entry) Bacon rolls - thank you Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) DC's interview technique - "Statement.  Statement.  Statement.  Tell me about it."
2. (new entry) Eddie Jordan's shirts
3. (new entry) DC's cringy Texan accent (take note Beeb, he struggles with Scottish)
4. (new entry) Lotus crotch-arrow overalls

Abu Dhabi GP Results

1. Better the Vettel you know - 1,032
2. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 982
3. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 930
4. Still Chewing - 921
5. White Jeans - 916
6. The Pitstop Princess - 906
7. Wyld Stallyns - 898
8. Sebastian Vettel's High-Flying Turds - 873
9. La Pic di Resta - 838
10. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 770
11= Crash of the Titans - 729
11= Hippy F1 - 729
13. Parkes Winners - 712
14. The Lord of the Wings - 688
15. Ferrari Fanatic - 658
16. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 636
17. Push Pete's Button - 633

India GP - "Thank you each and everyone one of you, wherever you are"

Can we believe Bernie is 82 years old?  I hope I am still running a billion dollar business when I am that old.  I suppose I shall have to as that will be well below the age required to claim my pension.

Other people were also celebrating this weekend.  Massa had bought himself some new sunglasses to celebrate getting a new contract with Ferrari (!!!???).  Karthikeyan and Force India received more television coverage than they had cumulatively had all season.  Raikkonen is still third in the championship, rumour has it if he succeeds even less and still achieves third in the championship, he might smile.

Every silver lining is another man's cloud though.  Webber's body language on the podium was that of a man unsure where he was on the hangman's scaffold or Grand Prix podium.  Schumacher scored his eighth retirement out of sixteen races.

I leave you with a couple of musings.  Why are we calling "towing" "drafting" now?  Why isn't the atmosphere good in McLaren at the moment and how does Alonso know?

India GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Alonso - for his first lap overtake of the McLarens
2. (new entry) Bangra dancing - on the podium, much more interesting than the clapping ladies
3. (re-entry) Damon Hill - back after a two race absence
4. (new entry) Shiny helmets - Hamilton went all Bollywood

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) DRS - yet again negating any good racing happening
2. (new entry) Punctures - as suffered by Schumi, Maldonado and Perez and doing nothing to make the race more interesting
3. (new entry) Crazy frog - another good reason why Vettel should not be allowed to win races
4. (new entry) Sam Michael's nipples - could Mr Boss please design him a different shirt?

India GP Results

1. Better the Vettel you know - 961
2. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 904
3. Wyld Stallyns - 871
4. The Pitstop Princess - 866
5. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 862
6. White Jeans - 850
7. Still Chewing - 840
8. La Pic di Resta - 809
9. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 796
10. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 711
11. Hippy F1 - 699
12. Crash of the Titans - 682
13. Parkes Winners - 670
14. The Lord of the Wings - 658
15. Ferrari Fanatic - 625
16. Push Pete's Button - 621
17. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 610

Korean GP Banter - "woohoo"

As Jake said when closing the BBC coverage, not a classic race but jiggles up the championship.

It kicked off with Grosjean eating a hefty slice of humble pie but he managed to keep his slate clean during this race.  To keep the crashes coming, Kobabashi returned to old form.  Unfortunately, he took out a couple of drivers who could have made the race interesting.  Instead the only thing that made it interesting was Hulkenberg and feral astroturf.

Going in to the last five races, things have become sadly predictable Schumacher-style, Vettel is going to dominate and everyone else will process along behind him.  Let's home that Webber finally cracks and disobeys team orders, some miraculous new part sends Alonso's Ferrari into warp speed or it rains a lot.

Korean GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Monisha Kaltenborn - first female team principal
2. (new entry) Hulkenberg - my driver of the day for that double overtake round the outside of Hamilton and Grosjean
3. (new entry) Vettel's water-bottle carrier - would be very useful when I'm teaching to have someone on hand to pass me my water

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bedward - unable to recognise cars, which I would have thought would have been an "essential" on the job description:  "Senna's on a lap, what can he achieve" - on the screen he's driving in the pits
2. (new entry) Gangyam Style - please no more, a peculiarly Asian-style of torture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su1mVnhIDrM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qOcFmQhttU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igmZUnqH258 - the most painful....stick with it
3. (new entry) Beeb build-up - a poor combination of the above, a compilation of Grosjean's Greatest Hits and Coulthard informing us that to be quick a driver needs to take the racing line
4. (new entry) Johnny Herbert - the barrel continues to be scraped for podium interviewers
5. (new entry) Rubber in slotgaps - enough already

Korean GP Results

1. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 854
2. The Pitstop Princess - 818
3. Wyld Stallyns - 807
4. Better the Vettel you know - 801
5. White Jeans - 788
6. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 782
7. Still Chewing - 777
8. La Pic di Resta - 769
9. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 740
10. Crash of the Titans - 650
11. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 642
12. Hippy F1 - 634
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 619
14. Parke's Winners - 614
15. Push Pete's Button - 599
16. The Lord of the Wings - 593
17. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 559

Japan GP - "Yes, baby. Yes, baby."

Following a couple of first corner incidents, the rest of the race was fairly processional.  With the early start, this did mean that dozing off didn't matter so much.  The excitement of those first eight races has wained now.  It was a race for those that needed it though.  Vettel has closed the gap to Alonso in the world championship, Kobayashi may secure his drive at Sauber for next year after getting on the podium and Massa did the same to start his campaign for his Ferrari seat, Schumacher climbed the most places from his grid start, to try and prove that his un-retirement wasn't pointless.  Judging from his qualifying he seems to be getting used to being a slow, Sunday driver ready for his second retirement.

When it was all over, Massa showed how long it has been since he was last on the podium by tripping over it and spilling his champagne.  Grosjean looked like he was about to cry, apparently not crashing "was his objective" and it was a "stupid crash".  A crash nonetheless and ruined what could have been an up, close and pacy race.

Japan GP - Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Kobayashi - the man of the moment
2. (new entry) Straight talking - as heard from Raikkonen ("I spun...I don't care about the others.") and Webber ("first lap nutcase Grosjean")
3. (new entry) Bacon sandwiches - essential snackage for early races, thank you Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing
4. (new entry) No clapping ladies - thank you Suzuka for a dignified approach
5. (re-entry) Nico Rosberg - despite an awful race (or lack of it), he went to see Kobayashi on the podium

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bullying - Johnny Herbert advocates the GPDA sitting Grosjean down and telling him how bad a driver he is
2. (new entry) Jean Alesi - scraping the barrel for interviewers on the podium and while we're discussing it, they should also be in the local language
3. (new entry) No Damon Hill - just Ant and Johnny
4. (new entry) Ant's crush - returning to Sky for this race, we can see Ant's unrequited love for Georgie blossoming

Japan GP Results

1. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 807
2. The Pitstop Princess - 759
3. Wyld Stallyns - 757
4. White Jeans - 756
5. Still Chewing - 751
6. Better the Vettel you know - 727
7. La Pic di Resta - 725
8. KAMIMAZE KOBAYASHI! - 714
9. Sebastian Vettel's High-Flying Turds - 681
10. Crash of the Titans - 631
11= Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 609
11= Ferrari Fanatic - 609
13. Push Pete's Button - 598
14. Hippy F1 - 585
15. Parke's Winners - 579
16. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 550
17. The Lord of the Wings - 544

Singapore GP - "You beauty Seb...you've won the Singapore Grand Prix again"

Disclaimer

The Pitstop Princess is delighted to welcome you to the first Guest Post.  Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing was delegated the responsibility of reporting and charting the Singapore GP.

Singapore, the new Monaco; Singapore, the Monaco of the future; Singapore, the Monaco of the East....... Let’s be honest though, folks, on track it’s usually a better circuit for the viewer than it’s Mediterranean idol.

Sky have been chomping at the bit for this race, having used it in their promos for the past 10 months. However, I watched it on BBC – it was a buy-off between BBC’s painful opening skits (Dragon boats? Really?) and Sky punctuating their elongated build-up with ‘tributes to drivers who die in horrible ways’ features. Plus it’s always fun watching drivers flirt with Lee McKenzie, especially when they’re testing the new F1 video game, which is now on the Xmas present list [AEEDR has sufficient sports video games, please do not feed the animal. - Ed].

Qually had the now regular not-so-shocking “shocks” - Kimi struggling, Massa not turning up - but Q3 was overall painfully dull. Aside from Pastor’s “shock” in getting to the front row AND staying there (he’s usually got a grid penalty in the bag), and Grosjean (AKA Beaker from the Muppets) trying to kill himself, the only other point of interest was when I sat on the remote and ended up viewing a “to upgrade to this channel” screen. It was more enjoyable than watching cars sitting in the garages.

Amazingly, the race itself started without major incident (I’m assuming a Caterham team collision isn’t classed as major) and the incessant safety car predictions commenced. After that, the common problem with street circuits - that they’re too slow overall to produce good racing, reliant on DRS (diminished reality system) and pitting to produce changes in order - came to the forefront. By lap 20 or so, both myself and Fernando Alonso were wishing Nelson Pique Jr. was still in F1 to mix up this race. Where Monza two weeks ago flew in, this one was dragging early on.

McLaren’s tactic of providing one of their drivers with a faulty car lead to the first real moment of note, costing Hamilton a lead that only Vettel looked like taking.  As the race reached the halfway point, Fernando and Pastor lit things up with some brilliant wheel-to-wheel racing... But the pointless Karthikeyan, his HRT and the subsequent safety car (who had lap 33?) put pay to that. That said, Pastor driving while being told his car was gubbed and Button trying to dink Vettel did add something to the ten minute procession.

The safety car interlude was clearly enjoyed by Mr Schumacher alot, as he got it back out within 30 seconds of the restart by rear-ending  Vergne. One wonders why Schumi didn’t get a race ban, since that crash was even more reckless than Grosjean’s in Spa and he also mounted a car in Barca this year.

On re-restart, Massa and Senna took over from their more illustrious teammates in providing some drama. Filipe’s form is slowly improving and at this rate he’ll have a drive next year. Obviously, not with Ferrari. In other news, we found out that team orders are in use at Lotus, though the team waited until after some aggressive racing to tell the drivers.

Once it was announced Old Father Time (Bernie?) would bring this race to an unnatural end, some thrilling, if messy, midfield battling ensued. However, no main challenger changes occurred and Vettel walked away with an anticlimactic win. Following the rarely seen countdown clock, the obligatory excuses, bitching and team move rumours followed...

When all is said and done, Sky’s marketing dept were right that cars do look pretty under the lights.

Chart of Lust
1. (new entry) Sparks flying under the cars – Gets the pulse rate going
2. (new entry) Flashing lights on Vettel's helmet - It’s nice that he let the Girl Guides decorate it [Girl Guides prefer a copious spread of sparkly stickers - Ed.]
3. (new entry) Williams v Ferrari – Provided the best wheel-to-wheel in ages
4. (new race) Night race – Purely because I hate getting up early for the other Asian races
5. (ne entry) Fireworks – Makes every race win feel like the Superbowl and Wrestlemania

Chart of Loathing

1. (Re-entry) Cool vests  - Honestly, man up! If I have to work in a stuffy office because old women need the heating jacked up then you can sit in a car and live with being a wee bit clammy, Jenson!
2. (new entry) Jake going to BT – I like him, he’s non-threatening and relatable... [Am seriously considering how things stand between us - Ed.]
3. (new entry) Slow corners – Doesn’t make for good racing
4. (new entry) Back marker passing under safety car – Takes too long and fighting through back markers makes for an added twist
5. (new entry) Blisters on the bum – Some vulgar filler-chat from DC

Singpore GP - Results

1. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 729
2. The Pitstop Princess - 724
3. Wyld Stallyns - 708
4. La Pic di Resta - 676
5. Still Chewing - 666
6. White Jeans - 663
7. Better the Vettel you know - 640
8. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 617
9. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 599
10. Crash of the Titans - 580
11. Push Pete's Button - 576
12. Ferrari Fanatic - 571
13. Hippy F1 - 545
14. Parke's Winners - 543
15. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 536
16. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 510
17. The Lord of the Wings - 504