Sunday 25 November 2018

Abu Dhabi GP - "What a way to see out 2018"

I watched this race live *gasp* with Wheels on Fire.  Our agreed predictions were that Hamilton would win and Alonso would be retired by Lap 10.
Lap 1 didn't go our way, with Hulkenberg "hanging like a cow" out of his topsy turvy car.  The first, worrying glimpse that the Halo might not be the answer to all F1's safety concerns.  Sam Smith and Geri Spice managed to look suitably shocked for the cameras.
No Ocon/Verstappen clashes to spice up the race this Sunday.  Ocon "knows what Max is like" now and the future of F1 continues to be that Hamilton will get older, Vettel will be even older and make even more geriatric mistakes until Ferrari put him out to pasture and Verstappen will have scared all his rivals into fearing a crash whenever they are near him and so he glides uncontested to 10 championships back to back.
Then the farewells started.  Old Man Raikkonen, whom Ferrari can't quite let go of, came to a graceful stop on Lap 7.  Post-race, he commented that he's not really leaving.  With Sauber and Hass both propping up the Ferrari empire, the only hope for defeating Verstappen is that they continue to subsume all the other teams until F1 is basically Verstappen versus Ferrari and, each race, one driver is chosen to fight back and wound the flying Dutchman, leaving Vettel to take the victory.  It's what Schumacher would have wanted.
It's the end of the 2018 season, I am clearly feeling apocalyptic.
Lap 10 saw the departing Hartley bash the barrier and survive, which is a metaphor for his F1 career.  I don't know why he wasn't brutally withdrawn Kvyat-style earlier in the season to make way for Red Bull's latest fetus driver.
Mid-race, our old friend The Rain was on the horizon but felt the race was just spicy enough to stay away.
Ocon retired on Lap 47, which reminded everyone that Alonso was still battling on.  Still there was a on oil leak on the next lap - but for Gasly!  It even sprayed itself all over Verstappen, compromising his vision.  It didn't get the memo that Fernando was still racing.
So the season ends with Hamilton taking his top off, for no apparent reason but I suspect he was gesturing to something he had indelibly marked on his back.  And Alonso was Driver of the Day.  He pedalled all the way to the end.  Will he be back?  Will he win the triple crown?  Will his progress be more exciting that watching Hamilton/Vettel/Verstappen in 2019?

Always leave them wanting more.

Abu Dhabi GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 1,161
2. Two world champions... - 1,138
3. Maximum Attack! - 1,127
4. Evel Marque - 1,126
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 903
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 885
7. The Hopefulls - 835
8. No Vices Now - 807
9. The Pitstop Princess - 683
10. Halo, baby! - 676
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 655
12. Wheels on Fire - 606
13. Hippy F1 - 592
14. Jack Johnson - 580

Monday 12 November 2018

Brazil GP - "That's it"

This was a race full of potential.  Huge potential for cuteness from the overall-clad mascots at the anthem.  Potential grid penalties for Vettel and Hamilton after qualifying...that never materialised.  Potential rain in qualifying. 

Early potential for Verstappen to win, lost on Lap 44 when he collided with Ocon.  Halo, baby! asked me predict this race win and I said Hamilton.  I am going to stop predicting.

There was potential for Mercedes to win the constructors championship.

Potential for violence from Verstappen, talk on the radio followed by pushing in the pit lane.

Potential for hair loss embarrassment for Hamilton, covered up by wearing his balaclava like a turban before receiving his cap.

Potential for a great last race?  Low.

Brazil GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 1,116*
2. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and, um, Two Other Guys - 1,078*
3. Maximum Attack! - 1,065*
4. Evel Marque - 1,064
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 846*
5= Hasstag#FaceBull - 846*
7. The Hopefulls - 789*
8. No Vices Now - 772*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 647*
10. Spa Day with a Shooey - 643*
11. Halo, baby! - 640*
12. Wheels on Fire - 576*
13. Hippy F1 - 573*
14. Jack Johnson - 569*

* Home track played - all home tracks played

IF YOU HAVEN'T PAID UP YET, PLEASE CAN YOU LET ME KNOW!

Tuesday 30 October 2018

Mexico GP - a champion is crowned

Another guest post this week - from Halo, Baby!

Due to baby pitstop making the most of the extra hour of night to scream all night long, we were not in a fit enough state to produce a full race review. And as Hamilton haters, we weren’t in celebratory mood.

Granadors (winners)
ê   The man in the ‘Day of The Dead’ costume who started the formation lap – Excellent puppetry with his mask... I loves a puppet;
ê   Lewis Hamilton – Awesome start and won a world championship (though he didn’t seem to think so  as he p**sed and moaned about the whole day until the chequered flag appeared);
ê   Stoffel (Vandoorne) – Despite being rank last every time I looked at the positions, he seemed to get a top-ten points finish. Good on him, the wee rascal;
ê   Williams – Finally beating Haas in the ‘don’t be last’ stakes;
ê   Max Verstappen – He and his Red Bull seem to have mastered this track, what with the back-to-back wins. Maybe he loves the thin air, maybe he loves burritos. He’s the first driver to win five races without even having been on pole though and he won this with his engine “turned down”;

Perdedors (losers)
ê   Danny Ric – Slow start (though he did called it pre-race on slip-streaming front) then just no luck with the engine front (not sure what “Fail 38” technically is, but it presents itself as smoke billowing out the back and no power);
ê   The guy SkyF1 interviewed in the build-up with the McLaren tattoo on his back – He was even mocked for the F1 logo having changed;
ê   Folk with stadium section ‘seats’ – There didn’t appear to be an seats, just concrete with numbers painted on it..... I’ve been asked not to turn this into a stadium blog;
ê   Fernando Alonso – Inadvertently, this week’s (first) victim of the Force India wrecking crew;
ê   Sergio Perez – Going out with a whimper;

Frases Divertidas (Funny things said)
ê   “Slower than a slow thing” – Martin Brundle describing Kimi’s Ferrari going through a corner;
ê   “Just Focus” – Ghoulish Gasly put in his place by his engineer;
ê   “Vettel just past Hamilton. Hamilton isn’t happy” – Red Bull update Daniel Ricciardo with a touch of mirth
ê   “Hey Lewis, congrats man. That’s how you do it, baby! Just like I taught you” – Will Smith ruins Hamilton’s championship party by talking guff

Mexico GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly - 1,063*
2.
Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys
 - 1,025
3. Maximum Attack - 1,000*
4. Evel Marque - 999*
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 789*
6. Hasstag#FaceBull - 783*
7. The Hopefulls - 743*
8. No Vices Now - 737*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 633*
10. Halo, baby! - 626*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 601*
12. Hippy F1 - 554*
13. Jack Johnson - 548*
14. Wheels on Fire - 526

*Home track played

I have no idea who has paid and not - so if you haven't please get your dough in as soon as possible.

Tuesday 23 October 2018

US GP - "...finally"

I didn't make any notes for this race...and I watched it over two days...and I'm typing this on the third.

Thrilled that Kimi won a race.  Thrilled that Hamilton isn't world champion.  Very aware that Vettel would be a really poor world champion.

Next stop Mexico!

US GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 989*
2. Two world champions, two future world champions, and um, two other guys - 951*
3. Evel Marque - 938*
4. Maximum Attack! - 878
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 743*
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 729*
7. The Hopefulls - 719*
8. No Vices Now - 711*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 614*
10. Halo, baby! - 608*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 567*
12. Hippy F1 - 525*
13. Jack Johnson - 517*
14. Wheels on Fire - 501

* Home track

Monday 8 October 2018

Japan GP - "Absolutely perfect"

Japan always delivers and this year it delivered overtaking in the midfield.  Leclerc featured in lots of this despite a run in with Ericcson: "He's stupid.  It's a fact"

A five second penalty was handed out to Verstappen and it began to feel like Liberty really want Mercedes (and Hamilton) to win at any cost.  The five second penalties came thick and fast after that; ruthless Japanese efficiency.

It was so busy midfield that if Hamilton and Bottas hadn't pitted, we wouldn't have seen them all race.  Vettel we did see as he lost it completely and seems to be desperate and under a lot of pressure; although he did post the fastest lap.

Will Hamilton clinch the championship at the next race?  Yes.

Japan GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 932*
2.
Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys
- 896*
3. Evel Marque - 879*
4. Maximum Attack! - 819
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 725*
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 711*
7. No Vices Now - 686*
8. The Hopefulls - 673*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 600*
10. Halo, Baby! - 596*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 542*
12. Hippy F1 - 488*
13. Jack Johnson - 470*
14. Wheels on Fire - 458

* Home track played

Monday 1 October 2018

Russia GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 887*
2. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 851*
3. Evel Marque - 821*
4. Maximum Attack! - 761
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 667*
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 657*
7. No Vices Now - 641*
8. The Hopefulls - 631*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 573*
10. Halo, Baby! - 569*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 505*
12. Hippy F1 - 465*
13. Jack Johnson - 440
14. Wheels on Fire - 430

* Home track played

Russia GP - "We'll talk about it later"

Guest blog this week from Halo, Baby!

It was already shaping up to be a poor race weekend on Saturday when it was announced that dirty Di Resta would be co-commentator for Sky, when Sirotkin killed-off Q1 by spinning out to cause a yellow flag and when Q2 became the most pointless 12 minutes of the season so far (as 3 of the 15 drivers had massive penalties and 2 were not running due to tyre tactics).

At the risk of pissing in the wind, I’m getting so sick of SkyF1’s infatuation with Lewis Hamilton, who I will never stop despising. I mean, why did the grid-walk have to be interrupted to show a fluff piece where Hamilton, dressed like a holidaying Rupert the bear, was interviewed in Borneo by Anthony Davidson about eco stuff (no mention of irony in terms of the carbon footprint caused by the F1 circuit killing the Borneon rain forrest). 

The lovely folk at Liberty Media have brought in a mixed bag audiovisual stylings to F1, summed up in a race where 37 laps in we witnessed a “the Pit Window is OPEN” flashing graphic. And then there’s Hamilton’s “gangsta” F1 profile pic where he does the pointy gun thing.... Though the slow-mo internal graphic of a Sauber’s brakes was pretty damn cool.

So, what did we learn from this race? 
- No one notices Toro Rosso anymore (it escaped us that they both went out within the first half-dozen laps);
- That Williams and McLaren have forgotten who they were and should be and have entered into a race to become the new Marussia [Ed. Make that Minardi];
- That Carlos Sainz has a long memory and a strong sense of justice (“remember the 5 second penalty I got two years ago for...”)
- That Force India are no longer prepared allow Perez to write-off cars for our entertainment;
- That Vettel has resigned himself to runner up this year, as displayed by blowing within a few corners his position ahead of Hamilton;
- That Max Verstappen has an “ultimate objective” (according to early team radio) and that he’s so freaking fast he’ll probably achieve it;
- That the (not) podium interviewers think up their own questions.... and that this is a very poor idea;
- That Di Resta thinks Hamilton is “a very special human being”;
- That it’s OK to shaft Bottas for a couple of (ultimately unnecessary) driver points for Hamilton;
- That Toto Wolfe is crap at apologies;
- Oh, and that beards are officially no longer hip (as demonstrated by Putin’s wee buddy, Bernie E)

Monday 17 September 2018

Singapore GP - "Keep pushing"

The weekend started poorly with Hamilton turning to two wheels for the weekend - a scooter.  The attitude continued with his Q1 radio comment: "You guys need to listen to me".  In all fairness, they probably should, as he did an amazing qualifying lap and secured an easy victory.

Force India are in contention for the team bringing the most entertainment to the race.  The last thing Ocon needed was Perez taking him out of the race.  I'm not sure anyone knows why they've chosen Perez (one of the most hyped drivers of recent years and yet not going the way of Vandoorne???).  The FI bosses must be scratching their heads post-race after subsequently seeing his mid-race move on Sirotkin.

Verstappen also brought a smidgin of excitement, as we waited to see whether he would come out of the pits ahead of Vettel (he did).  It was fantastic holding of nerve and a demonstration of the power of the undercut?  Overcut?  Half cut?  Cut and blow dry?

Magnussen somehow gave the fastest lap of the race.  I think every year we should keep looking out to see if it is ever beaten.

Ultimately though, Ferrari tweeted post-race: "Boredom is the real winner at Singapore".

Singapore GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 842*
2. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and, um, Two Other Guys - 806*
3. Evel Marque - 741*
4. Maximum Attack! - 681
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 637*
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 631*
7. The Hopefulls - 598*
8. No Vices Now - 596*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 554*
10. Halo, baby! - 550*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 485*
12. Hippy F1 - 437*
13. Jack Johnson - 424
14. Wheels on Fire - 398

* Home track played

Monday 3 September 2018

Italy GP - "For continuing to believe in me, I really do appreciate it"

 Or "Disappointing.  There was nothing I could do"

Everyone was happy to see to see Raikkonen on pole, even if he is an old man.  Or because he is an old man?

Lap 1 saw an "incident" that we hoped would get Hamilton a penalty.  But we did get to watch Vettel "fight" his way through the pack and hear the tfosi roar.  Whilst we wondered how Ferrari would engineer his pass on Raikkonen.
Lap 4 (or 2 if you don't count the laps under the safety car), saw Hamilton overtake Raikkonen and then he got it back.  A heartstopping moment.
After Alonso stopped on lap 10, I'm wondering if we'll ever really see him race a Formula 1 car again.  I see they've chosen a young gun to replace him, who I guess isn't used to do many laps in a race, so will fit right in.
After the first stop, we were willing Raikkonen on, to push, push, push to get the undercut.  Ultimately it didn't work out for him though and Bottas was usefully deployed.  I've not been so invested in a race for a long time.  Lap 45 was a disaster as Raikkonen just couldn't match the lap times of the Mercedes although he was too nice about it and could have made himself a little wider.

Other highlights of the race included a petulant Verstappen holding back Bottas saying: "I know I'm losing to Vettel but I really don't care", the "Kimi for President" banner and Williams getting their first points of the season.

Volunteers for writing up the forthcoming races please!

Italy GP - Result

1. Give it some Gasly! - 791*
2. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 755*
3. Evel Marque - 682*
4. Maximum Attack! - 622*
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 603*
6. No Vices Now - 553*
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 551
8. The Hopefulls - 550*
9. The Pitstop Princess - 533*
10. Halo, baby! - 529*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 461*
12. Jack Johnson - 408
13. Hippy F1 - 407*
14. Wheels on Fire - 376

*Home track played

Sunday 26 August 2018

Belgium GP - *click heels*

Like everyone returning back to school after the summer holidays, there was lots of gossip to catch up on.  With Alonso announcing his retirement, the opportunity for a proper reshuffle arises.  With Ricciardo already ducking out of a top drive, musical chairs begins.  Gasly and Sainz are the main beneficiaries so far but there will be more...

There's lots to discuss about the start of the Belgium race but not much after that.  After a big pile up behind them, the top first four drivers were four a breast at one point on the first lap.  And two of those cars were Force India or the Team Formerly Known as Force India. 

Alonso was out of his last race at Spa. How many more last chances to see him race are we going to be deprived of?  Anyone going to be tuning into IndyCar now?  Me neither.

Things went from bad (not having enough petrol in the tank to finish qualifying) to worse (a puncture from a shunt) for Raikkonen.  He made three trips to his pit in nine laps and then retired.

After that some cars went round in a circle.

Points updated post Belgium GP

1. Give it some Gasly! - 751*
2. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 713*
3. Evel Marque - 632*
4. Hasstag#FaceBull - 591*
5. Maximum Attack! - 572
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 541
7. The Pitstop Princess - 521*
8. Halo, baby! - 514*
9. No Vices Now - 504*
10. The Hopefulls - 502*
11. Spa Day with a Shooey - 425*
12. Hippy F1 - 383*
13. Jack Johnson - 371
14. Wheels on Fire - 348

*Home track played

Monday 25 June 2018

France GP - "Happy Sunday everyone"

I thought Ocon was Spanish.  Halo, Baby! thought he was Mexican.  Turns out he's French.

He and his compatriot , Gasly, were out half a lap in.  What a start...Bottas and Vettel...surely he should have been penalised further than 5 minutes.  Usually pre-race we hear a lot about how difficult the first corner is and how it brings out a safety car....none of that for this race.  All the chat was about rain.  Which never came...however, the first corner...

Not much else to comment about this race.  Alonso had a special name banner graphic, is this another method to convince him to stay in F1?  And a rubbish end of the race for Stroll in the Williams.

Any volunteers to write the commentary for Austrian race next weekend?

France GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly! - 520*
2. Evel Marque - 434*
3. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 415
4. Hasstag#FaceBull - 401*
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 393
6. Maximum Attack! - 374
7. Halo, baby! - 325*
8. No Vices Now - 288
9. The Pitstop Princess - 284
10. Spa Day with a Shooey - 283
11. The Hopefulls - 254
12. Hippy F1 - 228
13. Jack Johnson - 206
14. Wheels on Fire - 196

* Home track played

Monday 11 June 2018

Canada GP - "Grande vittoria, bravissima...and other Italianish"

Brundle: "It wasn't an all time classic, was it?"  Were you glad the chequered flag was waved early?

Grosjean's engine blowing in the pit lane as he left for Q1 was a sign that this race was to be all smoke.

There was suffering in the first lap as Hartley took Canadian Stroll out and brought out the safety car too early in the race for it spice it up.   Will Kvyat be back in a Toro Rosso seat soon?  Sainz and Perez meeting did nothing to alter the race either.  The commentators tried to bring out the old "how many stops?" chat to add suspense but Pirelli had said one stop was the way to go and no one was going to do any different no matter how many times pundits mentioned that you could make two stops.  I was also disappointed that Hammertime worked this race and Lewis overtook Raikkonen in the pits.  More pain when the driver we all want to see really racing, Alonso, retired on his three hundreded race, five years since he last won a race.  Will Kvyat be back in a McLaren seat soon?

I am also disliking the Live Points graphic.  Anyone else thought it was the order of the race a few times?

Brundle thinks it's the rest of the season is going to be all about who makes the fewest mistakes.  Sounds riveting.

Canada GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly - 450*
2. Evel Marque - 383*
3. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 360
4. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 351
5. Maximum Attack! - 323
6. Halo, baby! - 307*
7. Hasstag#FaceBull - 301
8. The Pitstop Princess - 266
9. No Vices Now - 257
10. Spa Day with a Shooey - 256
11. The Hopefulls - 213
12. Hippy F1 - 210
13. Jack Johnson - 175
14. Wheels on fire - 166

* Home track played

Thursday 31 May 2018

Let’s finish this sh*t tomorrow…


Two truths to this statement.



Ricciardo survived an MGU-K failure to register a deserved win…  

…but, unfortunately, at a snail’s pace.  What a sh*t race. 



I’m normally the first to look for the positives in F1.  But in this case, the six-minute highlights video genuinely captured everything notable in the race.  Pfffffffft...



Ricciardo did have an amazing Saturday, though.  His first lap in Q3 was a cool 0.4sec ahead of anyone else and 1.3sec quicker than last year’s pole lap, both of which are astonishing on such a short and twisty track.  Saturday at Monaco is generally much more exciting these days – last year it was Hamilton forgetting to put in a banker, this year it was Mad Max deciding to kiss the walls.  (Glasgow kiss, that is.)



So, let’s ignore all of the other suggestions for how to improve Monaco and go with the only one that will work:  ditch the race, decide the points based on qualy and start the party on the Saturday night.  This would also mean that any F1 drivers (including Alonso) would be able to take part in the Indy 500 from now on.  No more seat-wetting for Button.



And so, on to Canada.  Renault and Honda will both be bringing upgrades, but who are we kidding?  Montreal is Hamilton’s house.  He owns it.  Still, though, I’d love to see Ocon, Gasly, Hulkenberg, Perez and Sainz being able to actually overtake each other in the midfield.  Which one will be getting a seat in one of the top three teams next year?  (Frustratingly, the answer could be ‘none’)



‘til next time…



p.s. “Give Prince Albert a shuey” says Horner.  I heard “Give Schumi a Prince Albert”.  Cue me snorting my tea through my nose.



p.p.s.  Ricciardo’s first ever F1 win was Canada 2014.  Surely he couldn’t…?


And thanks Maximum Attack!

‘Like riding a motorbike round your apartment’: Nelson Piquet Sr


The Monaco Grand Prix – billed as the most glamorous event on the calendar, full of beautiful people, big yachts and massed showing off.  Yet this is half the story (the small half): no one ever mentions the incessant noise and lack of sleep due to Armco being erected all night long and music banging out from apartments all over town as the beautiful people party those nights away.  There is the embarrassment of bringing your vessel to town but not being able to moor it near enough to actually see the track; and worse, knowing that you’ve got to go to Nice to shop at Lidl. 


Sirotkin gave us hope by trying to do the job on a 3 wheeler before getting the message ‘Novichok gotov’ so had to ooze back to Zizzi to serve out his penalty.  We hoped for the best but knew that it was going to be same old, same old – Tigger Riccardo bounced away at the beginning with the wind in his tail trying very hard to pretend that he had problems with his car to fool us into thinking that he might break down.  But we knew it was hopeless – deja vue all over again. 


To be fair, Max V ‘scythed his way through’ (© Muddley Talker) from the rear giving hope that he might have his usual crash along the way and – and – just when we had given up hope of any real action LeClerc forgot he shouldn’t run into the back of people and did.  Even then, no appearance of the safety car to mix up the order a little. 


Who noticed a change in the podium arrangements this year?  We are used to getting a glimpse of the Monegasque Prince Albert in the gloom of a bunker but this year He and his entourage bravely risked a spraying – and got one – on a proper podium.  But was it better? 

Usual excuses from the teams, the commentators, the drivers and ‘celebrities’ (who?) 


The highlight was of course the Shoey; we hoped it might happen and he didn’t let us down.  It made the endurance of 2 hours’ dull racing worth it.


Thanks to Wheels on Fire!

Tuesday 29 May 2018

Monaco GP - Results

1. Give it some Gasly - 375*
2. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 297
3. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 285
4. Halo, baby! - 267*
5= Evel Marque - 263
5= Maximum Attack! - 263
7. Hasstag#FaceBull - 262
8. Spa Day with a Shooey - 236
9. No Vices Now - 227
10. The Pitstop Princess - 226
11. The Hopefulls - 100
12. Hippy F1 - 178
13. Jack Johnson - 151
14. Wheels on Fire - 130

* Home track played

Wednesday 16 May 2018

Spain GP - Results

Notable that we have joint leaders with teams that do not share a single common selection:

1= Give it some Gasly! 249
1= Halo, baby! 249*
3. Beauty & the F1 Geek 224
4. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys 222
5= Evel Marque 206
5= Maximum attack! 206
7. The Pitstop Princess 202
8. Hasstag#FaceBull 195
9. No Vices Now 194
10. Spa Day with a Shooey 184
11. The Hopefulls 177
12. Hippy F1 138
13. Jack Johnson 130
14 Wheels on Fire 89

#SpainishGP fail for Grosjean

Some bright spark tried to liven up proceedings by painting #SpainishGP up and down the pit-lane.  Spainish painters aside, what you can rely on at the Catalunya circuit is:
1. Qualifying is ark-like - the cars come in two by two by two.
2. The race is almost always won from the front row.

The ark went Mercedes-Ferrari-Red Bull and we seemed assured of Mercedes on the top step, and they duly obliged by filling the top two steps, and staying in order.  The surprise was that Verstappen leap-frogged both Ferraris (Kimi's car gave up and Vettel needed an extra stop) to take the final spot.  Post-race, Hamilton had to remind Max to get weighed.  "Yeah, it's been a while", laughed Max.

The main talking point of the race was Grosjean somewhat inexplicably burying the throttle as he span, mid-pack, on the first lap.  His improvised smokescreen meant he wiped out Hulkenberg and Gasly and deprived us of some potentially good racing (and condemned himself to "null points" until Canada at least, because surely he can't make it through Monaco without incident?  Prove me wrong, Romain.).  Is this a return to the accident-prone 2014 Grosjean?  He's really letting down those who picked Haas.  At least he didn't try to blame Erikson this time.  He said he "tried to save the car and put it in a good direction".  From behind guilty sunglasses.  Then off to the stewards to get his deserved points (licence, not championship) and grid demotion for Monaco.  Gunter Steiner tried to stick up for him, saying the penalty was "like kicking him in the face".  Best not give Gasly and Hulk ideas, Gunter.

Other notable moments were: Alonso round the outside of Ocon at turn 3, Sirotkin and Ricciardo not being able to drive at VSC speeds, Max clipping the back of Stroll, and Perez smashing through Max's discarded front-wing end-plate.

Hartley tyre-walled his car in final practice and it actually snapped while being picked up by the recovery vehicle.  No qualy for Brendon.  That enabled him to make up the most places, though largely due to attrition rather than awesome driving.  Cue me cruelly willing my also-ran drivers to fail FP3 and start from the back of the grid in future races.  Fastest lap was Ricciardo proving the pace of the Red Bull in race trim and/or no-one else grandstanding for the fastest lap.

Hamilton talked some b******s about having "synergy with the car" and no-one listened, because they were still thinking, "seriously dude, what is with your hair?".

Next: Monaco, baby!
twctfwcautog

Monday 30 April 2018

Azerbaijan GP - Lewis wins despite horrendous haircut

Editor - Thanks to twctfwcautog for this - although with baby Pitstop waking up a I cut and pasted, I have yet to read!

Not that everyone kept going on about it, but apparently it was quite windy in Baku.  Does that explain why we had so many crashes and incidents this year (as in previous years)?  Baku's nickname anybody?  "City of winds".

The chaos was mostly at the start and the end of the race with some also in the middle.  The only predictable moment of the weekend - Vettel's third pole position in a row.

There was first lap chaos - Sirotkin punted Perez into Ocon (just in case those two weren't going to tango again under their own steam), then got caught in a Renault/MacLaren sandwich.  The MacLaren piece of bread (Alonso) managed to limp his two-wheeled wagon back to the pits.  Raikkonen then punted Ocon into the wall to make sure the two Force Indias definitely couldn't tango again (at least in this race).  Cue the much-predicted safety car.

Verstappen re-defined "letting another car past" after cutting the inside of the corner and gaining an advantage, by immediately re-passing Hulkenberg to re-take that briefly negated advantage.  Hulkenberg later put himself into the wall in protest (maybe).  Verstappen moved Ricciardo aggressively aside and caused him to lose a place to Hulkenberg.  Hulkenberg later put himself into the wall in celebration (maybe).  

The main scrap was the continuing fight between the two Red Bull boys.  Ricciardo eventually passed Verstappen after multiple attempts and even contact at turn one only to immediately lose the place in pitstops as the overcut(?) worked for Verstappen.  Ricciardo was told "go on, do him again" and duly did, smashing into him in the turn one breaking zone.  My first reaction was that Verstappen had moved twice but maybe Helmut Marko was right and it was 50/50.  Anyone?  Either way, no points for Red Bull.  After the race, they both gave interviews that tried to appear contrite, not assigning blame and apologising to the team.  Both clearly better drivers than liars.  Let's hope they do better at the factory in front of everyone.  Christian Horner was both angry *and* disappointed.  DC was pleased he wouldn't be sharing a plane home with both of them in the end.

The safety car was deployed for the Red Bull clean-up, meaning pitstops for the leaders, and favouring Bottas who had not yet pitted.  Allowing lapped cars to pass was taking too long for Alonso who clearly relished the idea of a ten lap run to the flag.  As did we all.  Then Grosjean inexplicably binned his Haas under the safety car.  He said that he hit a switch on his steering wheel while warming the tyres which changed the braking, then a massive gust of wind caught him out.  Try "my dog ate my homework" next time, Romain.

Eventually the safety car was withdrawn and we had a quick blast to the flag.  Vettel went for glory from second and lost out a bit.  Bottas was unlucky to hit debris and lose out a lot.  At least it gave us three different cars on the podium for the second race in a row.

Some great drives and great results:
Sergio Perez in third - now the most successful Mexican driver ever.
Carlos Sainz in fifth - his best result since joining Renault.
Charles LeClerc in sixth - in a Sauber!  Eh?
Lance Stroll in eighth - first points of the season for Williams.
Brendon Hartley in tenth - his first points for Toro Rosso.

twctfwcautog

Azerbaijan GP - Results

1. Halo, baby! - 225*
2. Give it some Gasly! - 197
3. Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 185
4. The Pitstop  Princess - 178
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 170
6. Spa Day with a Shooey - 155
7. No Vices Now - 147
8= Evel Marque - 146
8= Maximum Attack! - 146
10. Hasstag #FaceBull - 137
11. The Hopefulls - 132
12. Jack Johnson - 116
13. Hippy F1 - 113
14. Wheels on Fire - 58

* Home track played

Monday 16 April 2018

China GP - "Clinical moves, cut throat, scary"

The two Rs have looked promising for a while.  Raikkonen keeps showing his teeth and then lowering his tail when it comes to actually racing.  It looks like he's pedaling for the money.  Red Bull even told Verstappen to do the opposite of whatever he does (turns out that is crashing into cars rather than letting them overtake you).  Ricciardo however, brought everything to this race.  He gains 15 points for fastest lap and 15 points for making up the most places.

For a long time, I thought I would have nothing to write about this race other than I'm not sure whether pit stops should be called stops any more as they barely seem to brake.  The mind boggles.

Then, half way through, the Toro Rossos collided, sending Gasly from hero to zero as he crashed into his team mate, drove through his own litter, brought out the safety car, had a massive stop and then a 10 second penalty.  The race was wide open. With ten laps to go, Verstappen damaged Vettel and my points haul disappeared altogether and brought out the now traditional world champion whinging.

I think three races in, we can safely say that Mercedes aren't dominant this year...and neither are Ferrari...

Any volunteers for a guest blog for Azerbaijan?  Email me please.

China GP - Results

1. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 177
2. Halo, baby! - 173*
3= Give it some Gasly! - 151
3= Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 151
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 148
6. Spa Day with a Shooey - 140
7. The Pitstop Princess - 129
8. No Vices Now - 114
9= Evel Marque - 105
9= Maximum Attack! - 105
11. The Hopefulls - 91
12. Jack Johnson - 88
13. Hippy F1 - 69
14. Wheels on Fire - 33

*Home track played

Friday 13 April 2018

Bahrain GP - guest blog!

Editor: please welcome Wheels on Fire for this race's commentary.  I'm assuming that it is for Bahrain and not very very late.

It was at Abu Dhabi: Oh, yes, it was!


Once again the circus rolled into town with its baggage train, its barkers and grinders proffering for our entertainment a spectacle which not even No Vices Now­* could sleep through. The first Act consisted of Verstappen (stupid boy!) giving us his polished performance of trying to bully the other contestants into giving way to him, with the usual consequences of damaging his car and whingeing about it afterwards to anyone who would listen. Shame Hamilton has learned how to parry his thrusts.

Several novelty acts entertained us as the show rolled along, but surely the most thrilling was the high wire act starring Pierre Gasley who not only started from a good grid position but managed to hang on as others tried to put him off and finished his turn with a startling 4th place. We would in future prefer not to see any more mechanics damaged in the course of their duties and we hope that Ferrari give their employees private healthcare to make being off sick bearable.

The tightrope walk at the end of the performance kept us all awake to the end, the Ringmaster shouting to Vettel: he’s behind you! (Oh no, wrong type of show, sorry.) But he was and lucky, lucky Vettel managed to bluff his way through to the end and hang on to his prime billing, the highest step on the podium and a nice big trophy to show for his trouble.

*A new comparison has been born to add to the area of Wales, the length of London buses and size of the blue whale: how long it takes No Vices Now to drop off to sleep during a Grand Prix.

Bahrain GP - Results

1. Halo, baby! - 147*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 103
3= Give it some Gasly - 97
3= Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 97
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 81
6. No Vices Now - 78
7. The Hopefulls - 73
8= Evel Marque - 65
8= Maximum Attack! - 65
10. Spa Day with a Shooey - 64
11. HassTag#FaceBull - 57
12. Jack Johnson - 54
13. Hippy F1 - 47
14. Wheels on Fire - 20

* Home track played

Monday 26 March 2018

Australia GP - "Bella stragegia"

It was a poor start to the season.  Whilst still in recovery from viewing Hamilton and Vettel's back to school haircuts and Hamilton's encroaching American accent, Halo, Baby! and I found ourselves cheering on Vettel to take pole.  How times change.

The subsequent press conference between Hamilton, Raikkonen and Vettel promises an interesting year ahead and some good battles to come.

Much was made of Mercedes' "party mode" but it seems that the top teams are closer than they have been for a while.  Elsewhere on the pitlane, the cars dropped like flies, Sirotkin, then the Haas's to door-slamming frustration.  At least Alonso made 5th, let's hope he spices up the racing.

Vettel bounded up the stairs after the race, hoping to show that 58 laps is nothing to him.  Hamilton claimed he was "saving the engine" in the face of the track not allowing overtaking.  Despite Webber's pleas the crowd still booed Hamilton.  I think this is the year that panto arrives at F1, what will the Americans make of that?

So what will the season ahead bring?  And will I ever be able to distinguish between Sauber and Williams' liveries?

Now I'm looking for a volunteer for the commentary next race...let me know if you're up for it.

Australian GP - Results

UPDATED!  Thanks, Hippy F1, there was a spelling error in the spreadsheet....now fixed

1= Give it some Gasly! - 60
1= Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys - 60
3. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 59
4. Spa Day with a Shooey - 54
5. Hasstag#FaceBull - 47
6. The Hopefulls - 45
7= Halo, Baby! - 35
7= The Pitstop Princess - 35
9. No Vices Now - 34
10= Evel Marque - 30
10= Maximum attack! - 30
10= Hippy F1 - 30
13. Jack Johnson - 28
14. Wheels on Fire - 9

Saturday 24 March 2018

Teams 2018

Entrant
Team name
Driver1                                           
Driver2
Chassis
Engine
Hometrack 
David,
Give it some Gasly!
Hartley
Gasly
Ferrari
Red Bull
Monaco
Gareth
Halo, baby!
Vettel
Alonso
Haas
Williams
Bahrain
Richard
Jack Johnson
Raikkonen
Hulkenberg
Renault
Haas
Japan
Phil
The Hopefulls
Hamilton
Ocon
McLaren
Sauber
GB
Claire
The Pitstop Princess
Vettel
Alonso
Haas
Toro Rosso
Hungary
John
No Vices Now
Sirotkin
Ocon
Mercedes
McLaren
GB
Stephen
Two World Champions, Two Future World Champions, and um, Two Other Guys
Stroll
Gasly
Red Bull
Ferrari
Hungary
Mark
Evel Marque
Verstappen
Leclerc
Mercedes
Sauber
Canada
Susan
Wheels on Fire
Verstappen
Sainz
Haas
Force India
Brazil
Chris
Maximum attack!
Verstappen
Leclerc
Sauber
Mercedes
?
Laura
Beauty & the F1 Geek
Ricciardo
Gasly
Red Bull
McLaren
Singapore
Joe
Hippy F1
Verstappen
Alonso
McLaren
Force India
GB
Adam
Hasstag#FaceBull
Ricciardo
Stroll
Red Bull
Haas
France
Sarah
Spa Day with a Shooey
Raikkonen
Ricciardo
McLaren
Williams
Belgium

Wednesday 14 March 2018

1. PICKING A TEAM

First you must choose a team name.   Anyone who submits a nameless team will not only be allocated a name by me but will score no points for the first race.

The budget this year remains £50million.  With this budget you must choose a team comprising of the following:

2 x Drivers
1 x Constructor/Chassis
1 x Engine

Each driver, constructor and engine is given a value based on previous performances and their potential for success during the 2018 season (i.e. the most expensive drivers, cars and engines will be those predicted to be the most successful).

There are no points for coming in under budget.

Deadline for submitting teams is Thursday 22 March 2018.  Different teams can be made up of identical drivers and constructors but must have a different home track.  If you submit a team and home track that has already been chosen you will be invited to pick again (the bonus of entering early is to get the team you wish).

In the event that a constructor withdraws from the 2018 championship, any FF1 team with their chassis or engine will not be reallocated a different constructor and will score no more points for that chassis/engine.  If a constructor is bought out (even after a withdrawal or break from competing) then any FF1 team with that chassis/engine will receive the points scored by the new constructor.  A driver picked by a FF1 team will score points for the team with whichever constructor they drive for or no points if they are not competing, i.e. if they are dropped or their constructor withdraws from the championship.

Only one team may be submitted per human being.

Submission should be by email to claire_crawford@hotmail.com

1.2 Prizes
To make the league “more interesting” entry is £10, which will be put into a prize money pot. 

The winner will win 50% of the total prize pot, 2nd place 25%, 3rd place 15% and 4th place 10%.

2. HOW TO SCORE POINTS

Scoring starts from the Australian GP onwards. Fantasy points are allocated based on the performance of your drivers, constructor’s cars and engine.

2.1 Drivers
:: The driver who completes the fastest lap in the final qualifying round will receive +15 points.
If a driver receives an engine penalty he will receive points based on his qualifying lap time i.e. we will not penalise FF1 teams for engine changes.

Example, Fernando Alonso sets the fastest time in the 3rd qualifying session but has a ten place grid penalty for changing his engine he will still get +15 points.

:: The driver who completes the fastest lap during the race will receive +15 points.

:: The driver who makes up the most positions from their place on the grid (after penalties) to their finishing place will receive +15 points.
In the event of this being tied the driver finishing in the highest position will receive the points.

:: Drivers that finish the race in the top 10 positions will score points as follows;

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th  - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.2 Constructors/Chassis
Each Constructor has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th  - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.3 Engines
Each Engine supplier has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th  - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.4 Home Track

Each team should pick one circuit as their Home Track (see 5. CALENDAR).  The points scored by their team at this race will be doubled.