Abu Dhabi - "We did it"

It was all looking positive from the very good plane smoke display put on by the race host.  There was nothing big at the start, which I didn't mind for once.  At least we didn't know the outcome of the race/championship by Lap 2.

Mercedes were playing it very cautious, giving the audience some worries during their very long first pit stops.  I say very long, 3.6 seconds for Hamilton on Lap 7 and 4.8 seconds for Rosberg on Lap 9.  Also - first pit stops on Lap 7!

Button showed the world why he's quitting F1 with his steering failure on Lap 12.  He sounded relieved.  And drunk during his post-race interview.

There was a lot of (unnecessary) tyre chat during the race.  When did Karun Chandok become an expert?  I'm not sure I believe anything he says.

On Lap 17, Kvyat showed us where his career is going when he got on his bike to go back to the pits.

It started to get a bit racy by Lap 20, everything was crossed that Verstappen wouldn't do anything silly when Rosberg went for the overtake.  Anytime Verstappen got in the mix, you were put on the edge.

I then have no notes until Lap 44, when Vettel became an "imminent threat".  The stewards finally got involved in the race on the next lap with Palmer.

We saw inside the Mercedes ICT support room a couple of time during the race.  I'm not sure what this added to our viewing pleasure.  The atmosphere was as electric as a Tuesday afternoon at the Hymans Robertson office.

As ever, there was a little something thrown in for the conspiracy theorists.  Was "41.5" a code for Hamilton?

It was a great end to a race and a season.  When Vettel overtook Verstappen on Lap 51 there were some tense laps.  Put out to Pastor commented on that the "reign of terror is over".  The Channel 4 coverage was so different from the BBC, there was no fawning and it did seem to reveal that perhaps Rosberg is the drivers' choice of driver.  Then there were lots of doughnuts.

This led to lots of lovely moments.  The coverage of the mums was nice.  How normal is Mama Hamilton (where was Dad?)?  I can't imagine her sitting down to a roast with Sh*tsinger.  Rosberg did get his anthem on the podium, thanks to the skewed nationality rules.  Rob Smedley had brought his family to the race, very cute.

Then Hamilton trotted out his spiel about how good the crowd is at this track.

Coulthard promised us "faster, wider, louder cars" next year.  I think I have finally cracked this Fantasy F1 lark, after decades of trying.  Crack open the rose water.

Abu Dhabi GP & Championship Results

1 (at last). The Pitstop Princess - 1,246
2. Weak End of Bernie - 1,211
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 1,098
4.Halo, it's me - 1,085
5. Hippy F1 - 1,062
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 1,022
7. Three teams, one dream - 1,007
8. BogOffBernie - 996
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 911
10. The Hopefuls - 900
11. No Vices Now - 795
12. The Maranello Marvels - 760
13. Marian's Marvels - 695
14. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 639
15. British Racing Green - 622
16. Put out to Pastor - 402

Brazil GP - "Terrific drive, Lewis, brilliant"

Sky's coverage got off to a jaunty start with a really good interview with Nico Rosberg.  This is unusual because it wasn't a feature about Lewis Hamilton.

Then it rained.  If anyone was wondering why this is late published, it took us two sittings to get through the entire race.

Grosjean crashed out just getting his car to the grid.  Button must be pleased as this bests his top failure of crashing on the parade lap when he drove for Williams.  Put out to Pastor's team are basically an indicator of who would do badly this race/season.

The rain delay meant that there was lots of shots of rain falling into puddles (if this is popular, I say again, Knockhill GP) and sponsor logo close-ups.  Wet races used to be the exciting ones.

Then Hamilton got water in his eyes.  Angus also does not like getting water in his eyes.  I wonder how the person who washes Lewis's hair tricks him?

On Lap 7, Verstappen performed his first overtake, showing no fear.

Lap 11 saw Vettel aquaplane and then have problems with his wheel gun.  Where was all this bad luck a couple of years ago?  The next big aquaplane was Ericson on lap 14 and Verstappen had to avoid, a hairy moment as he was now on inters.  By lap 20, I couldn't take any more as Raikkonen spun on the pit straight.  Clearly getting old and becoming a mother has affected me more than I'd care to admit.  This brought the red flags out and Massa got a snack bar.  Hamilton gave his jacket to a shivering flag girl.

Everyone went racing again.  Kvyat and Palmer had a near miss which led to the Russian swearing and shouting: "that's a big one", whilst the Brit kept his stiff upper lip and reported some damage.

There was a red flag on lap 28 but I don't know why.  The fans didn't either and they booed and pointed their thumbs downwards.  I started another bout of fast forwarding.  Boulier cryptically told us: "Don't trust the messages on the radio."

Eventually the racing got back underway with a few mishaps here and there before Massa spun on lap 48.  This guaranteed him his moment in the sun (rain).  He was crying (and posing for photos).  Croft commented that: "This is not how Felipe Massa would have wanted to end".  As a Williams supporter, me neither but when has he really brought us any points?  The teams came out to in to the pit lane to give him a cheer.  Do the successful drivers ever get this response?

FoM is clearly trying to appear to a younger market, broadcasting images of Gutierrez having a row with his boss and stomping off.

In the end though, Verstappen brought the show to Brazil.  How much longer until we hate Verstappen the way we hated Vettel and Schumacher?

Brazil GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,189*
2. Weak End of Bernie - 1,156*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 1,047*
4. Halo, it's me - 1,042*
5. Hippy F1 - 1,010*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 977*
7. The Hopefuls - 850*
8. Marian's Marvels - 677*
9. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 599*
10. British Racing Green - 588*
11. No Vices Now - 775*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 725*
13. Put out to Pastor - 372*

*All teams have now played their home track.

Mexico GP - "Really solid weekend"

Vettel dominated the weekend one way or another.  Starting with "Am I safe?  I need to pee." during qualifying.  Then a puncture in Lap 1.  It was quite an interesting first lap - I've written "boom boom boom" about the Virtual Safety Car period.  I can't remember why.
During the race we heard a lot from Vettel and Alonso over the radio, mainly whinging.  Until Vettel's now infamous sweary rant.  He wasn't punished for this, having apologised but I remember watching the sport from a very young age and I want Angus to be able to watch it without the bleeping.  Off with his head!
There were a couple of flashbacks to past seasons.  We saw an awful lot of Fisichella.  Some very synchronised team order passes from Red Bull and Williams too.
The TV viewing in Mexico must shoot up for this race.  The camera barely seemed to leave Perez (other than to show us Fisichella).
Coulthard decribed the race as "slow burn". Admittedly I don't have many notes [there was a 20% off on ASOS yesterday.  Ed.]  I enjoyed Hulkenberg giving Williams a spin to help them out in Lap 68.  Then there was all the Vettel/Verstappen carry on.  Vettel was raised and subsequently lowered in the results table.  His wagging finger ultimately not helping him.  Verstappen had to leave the podium room but it was still not the most awkward atmosphere of the season.
Finally, Vettel was crowned Driver of the Day.  Which rules out all thoughts I had to including that in a new scoring system for next season.

Mexico GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,108*
2. Weak end of Bernie - 1.075*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 990*
4. Halo, it's me - 974*
5. Hippy F1 - 932*
6. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 926*
7. The Hopefuls - 792*
8. No Vices Now - 757*
9. The Maranello Marvels - 701*
10. Marian's Marvels - 659*
11. British Racing Green - 570*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 493
13. Put out to Pastor - 362*

* Home track played.  Keep biting your nails, Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom is still to play their home track in Brazil...this could be a game-changer!

US GP - "Good job boy"

Starting at the beginning, what happened on Lap 1 between Bottas and Hulk?  Unfair.  At least it was a long stop for Force India and then he was out.  Then Lap 3, Button was suddenly 10th.  How?  By Lap 9, Race Control were investigating a lot with no action required anywhere.  There was quite a bit of overtaking, although the cars look so tiny on the wide track, that shouldn't be a surprise.  Then there were a few raised eyebrows coming up.  Rosberg wasn't happy to be playing "the long game". Verstappen made an unscheduled pit stop: "I thought you boxed me, sorry".  Followed by an engine failure for him, he definitely wouldn't be finishing 4th.  This led to a Virtual Safety Car and an opportunity for the conspiracy theorists to take centre stage.  Why did Verstappen park the car so as to cause a VSC if Ricciardo was not going to benefit from it?  By Lap 39, Raikkonen had to stop his car coming out of the pits with a wheel potentially unattached.  There were lots of bloopers during the race like this, including Ricciardo swearing about Rosberg.  I wish I knew what he really said.

I finished the race wondering why Bottas couldn't have made up more places and enjoying Alonso's "yeeha"!

US GP - Results

1. The Pitstop Princess - 1,051*
2. The Weak End of Bernie - 1.020*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 939*
4. Halo, it's me - 927*
5. Hippy F1 - 880*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 877*
7. The Hopefuls - 745*
8. No Vices Now - 733*
9. The Maranello Marvels - 674*
10. Marian's Marvels - 641*
11.British Racing Green - 552*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 476
13. Put out to Pastor - 348*

*Home track played

Japan GP - "one in the land of the rising sun"

Well, that was a cracking race.  The best of the season in my humble opinion.

I started off feeling chipper about it as Raikkonen overtook Vettel in the championship points in Malaysia, which feels like justice.  I really enjoyed Sky's focus on the Japanese fans and all their costumes and accessories.  Could it get any better?  Hamilton's poor start!

However, it all went out the window when I realised that Williams were running 13th and 14th.

There were so many twists and turns: Hulkenberg's "see you later", Ricciardo's long stop, all the whinging about blue flags and no retirements!  Mercedes won the constructors championship but that was a given.

What followed the race was awkward.  No one spoke in the cool down room.  It would be easy to poke fun at Kai Ebel but we give the world Eddie Jordan.  Hamilton swerved the question about his start - did he think we would forget?

Rosberg has now won 9 races, no one who has won this many has not gone on to win the championship...

Japan GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 969*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 937
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 882*
4. Halo, it's me - 876*
5. Hippy F1 - 832*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 820*
7. No Vices Now - 709*
8. The Hopefuls - 701*
9. The Maranello  Marvels - 658*
10. Marian's Marvels - 606*
11. British Racing Green - 505*
12. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 437
13. Put out to Pastor - 320*

* Home track played

Malaysia GP - "I think we did bloody good"

It was a hideous start to the race all round.  Massa lost his throttle on the grid (did he check in the glovebox?).  Then there was the crazy long lights to go.  Next Vettel tapped Rosberg, prompting Put out Pastor to comment: "Well, that's Hamilton's race" and Verstappen to comment "Vettel is crazy".  I remember when Vettel used to do the Crazy Frog song.

Haas had amazing grid places, then Gutierrez got a puncture, before going out on Lap 42 with a lost tyre and Grosjean failed.  There were big disappointments all round.  Massa also got a puncture in Lap 7.  Ocon sped in the pits, twice.

Better news for McLaren, Alonso made up a spectacular 12 places in 4 laps.  Perhaps AlonsoCam should be a red button option.

The race really came alive in Lap 39 with Rosberg and Raikkonen battling, then Ricciardo and Verstappen. Two laps later there were high fives on our sofa as Hamilton caught fire.  Toto had his head in his hands, we heard Hamilton on the radio and we did then feel a little sorry for him.  Two laps more and Rosberg was awarded a 10 second penalty for absolutely nothing.

The final, honorable mention should go to Jolyon Palmer performing badly in a mediocre car finally getting his first F1 point.

So for the first time in living memory, we have an F1 weekend where Mercedes didn't dominate.  Here's hoping for a fantastic final five races.

Malaysia GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 911*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 877
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 836*
4. Halo, it's me - 835*
5. Hippy F1 - 799*
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 777*
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 776*
8. BogOffBernie - 767*
9. Three teams, one dream - 761*
10. The Hopefuls - 676*
11. No Vices Now - 666*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 620*
13. Marian's Marvels - 526
14. British Racing Green - 473*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 400
16. Put out to Pastor - 292*

*Home track played

Singapore GP - "Brilliant drive"

Another fantastic qualifying session delivered this season.  An interesting addition was the inclusion of interviews with Ocon and Wehrlein as Sky had to fill the time whilst they rebuilt the safety barrier somehow.
I think that was the earliest crash in a race I have seen.  As Hulkenberg went out it was good news for Williams, then Massa got a puncture, then Bottas' seat came undone, then Massa had a slow stop, then... then... then...
There was a marshal on track during Lap 3, preceded by a giant lizard in FP3.  Singapore is always a funny race.
Hamilton's frustration at being in third couldn't be hidden: "I need a strategy I can overtake".  In response they gave Rosberg a slow pit stop.  Where's the bias now?
The best scrap of the race was Kvyat versus Verstappen.  Was that message about Alonso being Kvyat's real target a coded message for the Toro Rosso driver to move out of the way for the Red Bull?
There was much whooping when Raikkonen overtook Hamilton for a podium place on Lap 33.  Only for Ferrari to give it away and then Raikkonen gave up, as usual.
It was a procession but quite an interesting procession.  And looked stunning too.

Singapore GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 878*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 844
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 817*
4. Halo, it's me - 810*
5. Hippy F1 - 765*
6. Claire has to type this sentence out each time as my team name - 752*
7. BogOffBernie - 742*
8= Beauty & the F1 Geek - 736*
8= Three teams, one dream - 736*
10. The Hopefuls - 649*
11. No Vices Now - 626*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 588*
13. Marian's Marvels - 493
14. British Racing Green - 463*
15. Indiana Walker & the Tyres of Doom - 388
16. Put out to Pastor - 281*

*Home track played

Italy GP - "Really good job on that first stint"

Sad (?) news to start the weekend with Massa and Button retiring.  Button may come back in 2018.  I imagine he will be snapped trying to get into his car in a wet suit and then charged with drunk driving.  Will we see the Massa family in hospitality most weekends?  Will he be the new Jean Alesi?
What to write about qualifying?  Dull, dull, dull.
Then on to the race.  A good start with Bottas telling DC where to stick it on the grid.  Then a slow start by the Mercedes, or at least one Mercedes.  Hamilton told the team: "Don't worry about the start, it was my fault."  The words he is looking for is "sorry".
And I have no notes after that.  I spent the race quietly cursing Verstappen and Massa for not getting more points/not starting lower down the grid and working their way up/not getting fastest lap as I thought this was my home track.  It's not.
Finally, the podium. Jordan got to show off the four words of Italian he knows.  Then Vettel had a go with his standard Italian phrases of "grazie" and "grazie mille".  Rosberg went next and interviewed for a seat at Ferrari, which was quite funny until he started singing Seven Nation Army.

Italy GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 826*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 794
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 775*
4. Halo, it's me - 768*
5. Hippy F1 - 739*
6. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 712*
7. BogOffBernie - 701* (looks like it's going to happen!)
8. Three dreams, one team - 696*
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 694*
10. The Hopefuls - 629*
11. No Vices Now - 586*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 550*
13. Marian's Marvels - 452
14. British Racing Green - 436*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 357
16. Put out to Pastor - 255*

Belgium GP - "Awesome result"

A race that has to be written about in prose...

Following an artificially exciting qualifying, the track and grid combined promised a great race.  And then...how many times did I need to rewatch that start?!  Rosberg went off like lightening, I thought Verstappen was in the lead for a while.  How did Vettel keep going after that shunt?  Next, Sainz blew a tyre: E for effort in trying to get that car back to the pits.  The F1 bleeper editor was working overtime although missed a big F from Sainz and then some more from Raikkonen in a couple of laps time.  Next, we saw Raikkonen's car on fire, cue the puns.  DC contributed: "gone up in smoke".  I needed the virtual safety car on Lap 3 to catch my breath.  Next thing I knew, Button was being interviewed on Lap 5.  Just as I was wondering why was Massa up in the top 5 and then suddenly 13th on lap 6, Magnussen completely smashed the tyre wall to smithereens.  He was limping but okay but I don't think I've ever seen the insides of a car like that.  With the race red-flagged, I was amazed to discover that Alonso was in 4th place.  Bedward reported that a Williams mechanic was "slightly injured" - he had dislocated his knee.  Bedward is the Black Knight of F1.  As the race unfolded that action lessened, Raikkonen really brought the racing (and the swearing) and it doesn't seem fitting that he finished with only 2 points.  The action switched to the pit lane with Hamilton suffering a poor tyre change then Alonso and Hulkenberg battling it out.

At the end of the race, I felt that if Rosberg hadn't have won this race, he really wouldn't be a fitting world champion.  The booing was unnecessary though.

Belgium GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 777*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 743
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 729*
4. Hippy F1 - 700*
5. Halo, it's me - 666
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 661*
7. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 659*
8. BogOffBernie - 648*
9. Three teams, one dream - 643*
10. The Hopefuls - 591*
11. No Vices Now - 551*
12. The Maranello Marvels - 464
13. Marian's Marvels - 427
14. British Racing Green - 409*
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 337*
16. Put out to Pastor - 209

*  Home track played

Germany GP - "Get in there Lewis, beautiful start"

This post is guest-written by Put Out to Pastor.  Although based on his FF1 score this year, I have no idea why you should pay any heed to this man's Formula 1 based ramblings.

For a race that had lots of on-track, non-DRS passes, and no toddler interrupting it, I struggled to find much of real interest:

Lebenkuchens

• Pit Stop Princes - Blisteringly fast tyre changes are all Williams having going for them at the moment.

• Return of Radio - Allowing Vettel to overrule the team on strategy... Who says the wall coaches the drivers?

• Feeling Bullish - Never thought I'd be happy to see Red Bull returning as a challenger.

Dummkopfs

• Rotten Rosberg - Another poor start costs him and he frightened poor little Max.

• Blue flag Gutierrez - Red Bull to Danny Ric: "He's doing it to everyone, he's not just picking on you".

• Grid walk (Sky) a celeb-free zone - Did anyone else feel slightly awkward at Mick Schumacher kicking about?

• Media located in Hamilton's backside - Why do they love him? Everything he does makes me cringe ("I'm fricking sweating so much")

Germany GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 737*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 702
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 676*
4. Hippy F1 - 655*
5. Halo, it's me - 622
6. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 617*
7. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 614*
8. BogOffBernie - 603*
9. Three teams, one dream - 598*
10. The Hopefuls - 524*
11. No Vices Now - 461
12. The Maranello Marvels - 442
13. British Racing Green - 395*
14. Marian's Marvels - 387
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 307
16. Put out to Pastor - 197

*Indicates home track played

Hungary GP - "I appreciate all the hard work"

Sunny skies

Most interesting start in a while - yes, they all got away cleanly but it gave you the impression that it was going to be a good race
"Kimi for president" banner - also the highest FF1 points scorer this race

Too rainy for qualifying

Unauthorised radio communications - was the penalty for Button ridiculous?  Yes
Coulthard - "It's a bit of a landmark to see McLaren overtaking Williams in terms of performance."  Boo.
Teenage whining - "Kimi is going over the track limits".  How could Verstappen see?
Massa's race
Dabbing - very popular in my primary school...
"Not possible to pass on this track" - Rosberg.  Sour grapes.

Hungary GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 685*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 650
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 633*
4. Hippy F1 - 615*
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 588*
6. Halo, it's me - 583
7. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 573*
8. BogOffBernie - 564*
9. Three teams, one dream - 559*
10. The Hopefuls - 492*
11. No Vices Now - 432
12. The Maranello Marvels - 415
13. British Racing Green - 383*
14. Marian's Marvels - 356
15. Indianan Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 290
16. Put out to Pastor - 185

*Home track played

Britain GP - "Thank you so much for your continued support"

Theresa May

Lap 5 pit lane chaos - how was no-one awarded an unsafe release?
Williams pit crew helmet-cam - they appear to nod and the wheel is changed
Verstappen's overtake on Rosberg - confirming that my decision to back Verstappen this year will pay off
Crowds - if the other circuits can't match this, they shouldn't get a race
Big spins - Sainz and Alonso in particular
Raikkonen's contract renewal - he's doing okay but...
Most radio we've heard all year - although it was "Chassis default setting 1...Avoid 7th gear".  Which isn't riveting
Boos for Rosberg - bit embarrassing

Boris Johnson

Squeezing Chris Hoy's thighs - !
Spice Girls - raising so many questions
Yay for rain - boo for safety car starts
Nearly crashing into the safety car - Hamilton
Three wheels on his wagon - Palmer.  I notice he's not being hailed as the next Great British Driver.
McLaren overtaking Williams - oh no!

Britain GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 628*
2. The Pitstop Princess - 593
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 585*
4. Hippy F1 - 576*
5. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 549*
6. Halo, it's me - 534
7. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 528*
8. BogOffBernie - 519*
9. Three teams, one dream - 514*
10. The Hopefuls - 466*
11. No Vices Now - 397
12. British Racing Green - 365* (and congrats for what I suspect is the lowest Home Track score to date!)
13. The Maranello Marvels - 357
14. Marian's Marvels - 323
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 273
16. Put out to Pastor - 171

Austria GP

A caffeine high

Wehrlein - started 13th and finished 10th.  A great drive all weekend.  Proving, with Verstappen, that the young have it all.
Button - shouting for the oldies
Overtaking - a few good 'uns including Rosberg on Verstappen.  Lots of comment in the press today about the new "Ruthless Rosberg"

A sugar crash

Leiderhosen suits - lower than the Superman capes
Pit lane starts - for Massa it was a case of kicking a man when he's down
Kvyat - it was a complete waste of an evening rebuilding that Toro Rosso
Footage of the helicopter - appreciated by Angus and other Govan Helicopter Aficionados but that's all
Lap 67 - or the cursed lap - Hulkenberg, Massa and Alonso all retired
What is Toto thinking? - the preferred shot for coverage directors when it is all happening on track
Frustration - I watch and enjoy a whole race only for it to be ruined on the last lap
Tyre failures - I could take them all until it was Perez.  It's not how we want race results decided.
The podium - firstly, who was that?  Who takes a notebook with them out?  My German is nothing to yodel about but it must be embarrassing when you are interviewing an 18 year old in English and their mastery of the language is considerably better than yours.  Also, boos for Hamilton - at last!  Also, someone has told Kimi that he must speak more in interviews so now he rambles on incoherently.  The Aging Playboy option.

Austria GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie* - 564
2. Merc-redible Hulk* - 534
3. The Pitstop Princess - 530
4. Beauty & the F1 Geek* - 514
5. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name* - 484
6. BofOffBernie* - 479
7. Halo, it's me - 474
8. Three teams, one dream* - 459
9. Hippy F1 - 450
10. No Vices Now - 367
11. The Hopefuls - 358
12. British Racing Green - 351
13. The Maranello Marvels - 327
14. Marian's Marvels - 293
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 237
16. Put out to Pastor - 169

* Home track played

Baku GP - "You did it in style there"

Firstly, apologies for the late posting of results.  Our internet provider had trouble with providing internet "to most of Scotland" yesterday.

Interesting

Mistakes - not enough of them during the race to make it really interesting but at least Hamilton gave it a go during Qualifying 3.  Also - no safety cars.
Third podium step treats - Bottas last week and Perez this week.  Giving us all hope of the racing getting better and better.

Dull

Hoardings - not sure who their PR is but there is something "lost in translation" about "Well done Baku" and "Baku welcomed us all"
First lap disappointment - no crashes!
Incisive analysis: Bedward: "Karun, is this a good time to pit?"  Karun: "Time will tell".
Poor strategies - I'm not condoning cheating in F1 but surely some sort of coded message could have been arranged before the race?  Perhaps "I can't tell you." means yes and "I can't say." means no.  Just putting it out there.
Does Baku deserve a race? - empty grandstands I can understand when they are expensive (yes) or the track is in the back of beyond (no) but empty balconies too?

Baku GP - Results

1. BogOffBernie - 439*
2. Weak End of Bernie - 431*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 419*
4. Three teams, one dream - 405*
5. The Pitstop Princess - 397
6. Claire has to type this out each time as my team name - 396
7. No Vices Now - 351
8. Halo, it's me - 342
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 330
10. The Hopefuls - 302
11. Hippy F1 - 299
12. The Maranello Marvels - 297
13. Marian's Marvels - 272
14. British Racing Green - 271
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 222
16. Put out to Pastor - 161

*Has played Home Track card

Canada GP - "Get in there pal"

Maple syrup

Killer starts - Vettel up, Rosberg down
"Take it easy Kimi" - I can't imagine people have to say this often to the most horizontal man in F1
"I stop now?...argh!  A point" - and Alonso didn't get one either.
Defense - pronounced the American sporting way with a hard "D".  Verstappen keeping Rosberg in check.
A good strategy - at last Williams have come up trumps

Carob blend

Di Resta - Brundle away following a "small procedure".  I was very worried about the grid walk but they skipped it fortunately.
3,000 laps led - a new milestone for Mercedes.  Who started counting this one?  (James Allen?)
Di Resta - also nominated for pronouncing it "Will-yums"
Fuel - how did no one run out of fuel given that there was no safety car?  I am appalled by the abundance of planning and forethought.  This is not why I tune in to F1.
Wall of Champions - didn't claim anyone during the race.  This is not why I tune in to the Canada GP.
Final lap spin - Rosberg, you idiot.  He fought but he just didn't have what it takes to overtake.  And you can overtake at Canada even without DRS.  It does put some perspective on the Rosberg/Hamilton question.  Although he didn't lose a place.
Quoting Mohammed Ali - must be the new cupcakes and rainbow unicorns by now
Seagulls - apparently if you spend time looking at the seagulls whilst driving an F1 car, you risk locking up.  Even is you are a four times world champion.

Canana GP - Results

1. BogOffBernie - 395*
2. Weak end of Bernie - 392*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 381*
4. Three teams, one dream - 361*
5. The Pitstop Princess - 357
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 352
7. Halo, it's me - 299
8. No Vices Now - 287
9. Hippy F1 - 285
10. The Hopefuls - 275
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 267
12. British Racing Green - 243
13. The Maranello Marvels - 240
14. Marian's Marvels - 202
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 152
16. Put out to Pastor - 135

* indicates "home track" has been played this race or so far during the season.  Nb. this is a change of policy from now on!

Monaco GP - "Just save it...nothing youse can say can make that any better"

Gambling big

Ricciardo - was that really his first pole?
Engine failure in Qualifying 3 - a glimmer of hope from Hamilton
Wet race - promised such a lot...
"He flies through the air with the greatest of ease..." - Verstappen mounts the kerb
Clever strategy - Hamilton's team did a great job
Force India - brought a strong race, Perez third and Hulkenberg sixth
Ricciardo - using the Scottish vernacular

Losing it all

Safety car start - what are these drivers paid for?
Palmer - crashing to bring out another safety car just as we'd got rid of the first one
Raikkonen - taking a good driver [himself] out of the race
More bad luck for Ricciardo - a 13.5 second pit stop.  Just seems impossible for Red Bull.
Brundle looking for a jacket to wear for the podium interviews - who dropped out during the race?  Bieber?
Team orders - worked out well for Sauber
4 Monte Carlo wins in a row - not for Rosberg
Bieber??? - rocking the Angus hair cut though!

Monaco GP - Results

1. BogOffBernie - 345
2. Weak End of Bernie - 343
3. Three teams, one dream - 311
4. The Pitstop Princess - 308
5. Merc-redible Hulk - 299
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 285
7= Halo, it's me - 247
7= No Vices Now - 247
9. Hippy F1 - 231
10. The Hopefuls - 230
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 225
12. British Racing Green - 208
13. The Maranello Marvels - 205
14. Marian's Marvels - 177
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 127
16. Put out to Pastor - 102

Spain GP - "unbelievable"

Testing track

Verstappen/Kvyat switch around - promotion, demotion, sideways moves, Red Bull did well out of it and Kvyat stuck it home with a fastest lap.  Just to clarify, if you have either driver in your team you will still score whatever points they score etc.
Hamilton's start - whooping in the Crossword King household
Hamilon/Rosberg L1 "racing incident" - this was rewound several times.  If it wasn't for the Old Skool gravel traps, I guess it wouldn't have mattered so much.  After throwing his steering wheel to the ground, Hamilton kept it very professional in the press pit.  I assume that there will an announcement shortly that Hamilton and Wehrlein are to swap seats?
Double noggin knockers - what I assume Toto did in the Mercedes truck
Haas - yet again, bringing the racing to the race
Dilemmas - now, I don't want Red Bull or Vettel to do well but I do want Ferrari and Ricciardo to...who should I be rooting for?
18 year old winner - are we going to be ruing this day in 5 years, 10 years...?  Or is it too much too soon and he'll go the Macauly Culkin way?
Smiling and talking - Raikkonen!
Booing - Vettel must wonder what on earth he has to do to win over the public.

Testing times

Worst interview ever with Sir Frank - courtesy of Alain Prost
Continuation of the poor strategy by Williams - Massa out in the first qualifying session
Does Verstappen even know the song Sweet Dreams? - probably not DC
Too much excitement - as Ricciardo fails to pass Vettel on L59
Webber's unlucky Red Bull seat - inherited by Ricciardo
Channel 4 - cut the podium room chat
Placido Domingo - ?

Spain GP - Results

1. Weak End of Bernie - 308*
2. BogOffBernie - 298
3. Three teams, one dream - 279
4. The Pitstop Princess - 272
5. Merc-redible Hulk - 255
6. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 234
7. No Vices Now - 225
8. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 215
9. Halo, it's me - 212
10. British Racing Green - 190
11. Hippy F1 - 187
12. The Maranello Marvels - 178
13. Marian's Marvels - 169
14. The Hopefuls - 167
15. Put out to Pastor - 90
16. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 88

*Home track

Russia GP- "We've finally done it in Russia"

Putin orders it

The Pitstop Princess loves a pun - Brundle: "Fins ain't what they used to be"
Tidying up - Vettel puts his broken front wing in his cockpit
Scooter driving - Vettel hops in the driver seat to get back to the pits (see also Toddler Pitstop's main life ambition)
Bleeper machine - Formula 1 Management gets good value from theirs this weekend
What little radio communication we heard - Perez: "Do you like my pace?  Do you like it?"
Consecutive race wins - if it was Hamilton we would all be complaining though.  Apparently this means that Nico has won more races consecutively than his father won in his whole championship-winning career.  I tried to verify this but the chart on Wikipedia was too confusing.
Mercedes engineer swap - the big story of the race weekend.  Has management decided that Rosberg should have better engineers?  Is it all coincidence?
Kvyat - a masterclass in how to own up and apologise for a mistake

Putin frowns

Kvyat - gets it right this time, bumping Vettel twice to ensure no awkward podium room chat (although he missed  bumping Putin which would have guaranteed this for all)
Radio communication - so the Mercedes engineers can't tell Hamilton "it's hammer time" but the Ferrari engineers can tell Raikkonen "this is a critical point"?
Massa's five second penalty - does anyone know why this was awarded?
Paul di Resta - are we the only household who hits fastforward whenever he appears?

Russia GP - Results

1. BogOffBernie - 284
2. Three teams, one dream - 265
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 227
4. The Pitstop Princess - 219
5. Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name - 212
6. No Vices Now - 211
7. Weak End of Bernie - 208
8. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 196
9. Halo, it's me - 193
10. Marian's Marvels - 167
11. The Hopefuls - 146
12. Hippy F1 - 138
13. British Racing Green - 133
14. The Maranello Marvels - 121
15. Put out to Pastor - 80
16. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 58

China GP - "The most incredible balance I've probably ever had [in a car]"

Going up

Old(er) qualifying format returns - much better and a shaken-up grid...
Hamilton out Q1 - great news for everyone
Lap 4 safety car - giving us some great racing and overtaking when it went in, really shook things up
Hulkenberg - provided some of the entertainment during the race.  He got fastest lap and this quality radio dialogue: "I really think we should consider the alternative strategy."  Engineer: "We're already on it."
Ricciardo overtakes Hamilton - a great move on Lap 43
Chinese crowd - cheering Ferrari all the way round

Going down

Helmut Marko - prophesying doom for the Red Bull drivers during the race: "we can't keep up."
Ruining a good race - it looked like the Lap 1 Ferrari collision was going to rule out some decent viewing
Ricciardo's puncture - as above
Radio snitching - Vettel
Too much tyre chat - with three choices I'd hoped there would be less
Bottas - gave up his 8th place on the penultimate lap.  I thought he was a fighter.
Whinging - Vettel

Lastly a note on Driver of the Day: Grosjean won the vote for the last two races but this one...Kvyat.

China GP - Results

1. Three teams, one dream - 200
2. BogOffBernie - 198*
3. Merc-redible Hulk - 174
4. The Pitstop Princess - 166
5. Weak End of Bernie - 165
6. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name  - 147
7. Halo, it's me - 138
8. No Vices Now - 134
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 129
10. Hippy F1 - 114
11= The Hopefuls - 105
11= Marian's Marvels - 105
13. British Racing Green - 101
14. The Maranello Marvels - 89
15. Put out to Pastor - 58
16. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 56

*Home track

Just putting my CV out there...

I am available for the position of Chief Strategist to any team that wants me.  I have been studying Formula 1 for quite some time.  After this intensive research my secret strategy is going to be: "do the opposite of whatever Williams do".

Bahrain GP - "Yeah, awesome guys"

Speeding forwards

"Arlee" - the new name for Lee Mackenzie.  How are we feeling about Steve Jones?
Qualifying mistakes - very excited after Hamilton's.  Led us to hope that this new format would lead to good races.
Shouting "It's Hamilton!"- as you realise that's who Bottas touched in the first corner
Dummy practice starts - Rosberg's warm up lap start fooled Hamilton into starting much too slow!
Sparks
Pit lane cameras - great views
Close racing - a great race for overtakes (DRS or otherwise)
Haas - not a fluke then...

Colliding in the first corner

C4 diversity policy - no English presenters on their coverage
#sexylap - really Lewis?
Hamilton's tweets - "nothing but love and respect for this culture [and the human rights issues surrounding them]
Warm up lap engine failure- Vettel's smoky engine gave another sign that this race might fall flat
Confusion - why did both Renault's start in the pits?
It's raining car parts - there weren't that many collisions

Bahrain Results

1. Three dreams, one team - 160
2. BogOffBernie - 118
3. The Pitstop Princess - 117
4. Merc-redible Hulk - 114
5. Weak end of Bernie - 109
6. Claire has to type this sentence out each time as my team name - 105
7. Halo, it's me - 100
8. No Vices Now - 85
9. The Hopefuls - 84
10. Hippy F1 - 83
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 82
12. Marian's Marvels - 65
13. British Racing Green - 60
14. The Maranello Marvels - 51
15. Put out to Pastor - 39
16. Indianan Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 32

Driver of the Day

Following the Australia GP, the fans voted for Grosjean to be Driver of the Day.  Lets keep our eyes on this work...I sense a new points system for 2017...

25 topics of radio conversation

Any idea what they could be?

Comments below.

Australia - "Great tyres. Great start to the season"

Bonza

Glittery helmets - Wehrlein
Going on the B in bang - amazing starts from the Ferrari drivers
Cockpits - amazing safety.  Alonso's crash was heart-stopping
Tyre strategy - nearly made the race interesting
Timmy Mallet - the best celeb McLaren could muster
Angus commentary - comments included "big cash" (way before the Alonso event), "working", "racey cars gone" and "funny" (seeing the fire extinguisher from Raikkonen's on board cam)
Haas - excellent result for the newcomer
Intra-team scraps - Verstappen vs. Sainz is shaping up nicely
Booing - Ozzies booing Hamilton on the podium, not sure why

Naw

New qualifying format - I think everyone is in agreement...
15 week gap - between the 2015 and 2016 seasons.  Really?  It was much longer than that.

Australian GP Results

1. Three teams, one dream - 114*
2. Merc-redible Hulk - 62
3. Claire has to type out this sentence each time as my team name - 59
4= The Pitstop Princess - 57
4= BogOffBernie - 57
6. Halo, it's me - 50
7. Weak end of Bernie - 47
8. British Racing Green - 42
9= The Hopefuls - 39
9= No Vices Now - 39
11. Hippy F1 - 37
12. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 32
13. Put out to Pastor - 27
14. Marian's Marvels - 25
15. Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom - 24
16. The Maranello Marvels - 15

* Home track

Fantasy Formula 1 2016 - The Teams

Chris: Three teams, one dream: Nasr, Ericcson, Mercedes, Williams, (Australia)

Gareth: Put out to Pastor: Vettel, Bottas, Renault, Haas, (Italy)
Joe: Hippy F1: Hamilton, Verstappen, Renault, Toro Rosso (GB)
David: Claire has to type this sentence each time as my team name: Sainz Jr, Wehrlein, Williams, Mercedes (Austria)
Adam: Merc-redible Hulk: Hulkenberg, Massa, Toro Rosso, Mercedes, (Canada)
John: No Vices Now: Rosberg, Wehrlein, Williams, Marussia, (Belgium)
Susan: Indiana Walker and the Tyres of Doom: Vettel, Nasr, Toro Rosso, Force India (Brazil)
Malcolm: The Maranello Marvels: Raikkonen, Perez, Ferrari, Sauber (Italy)
Claire: The Pitstop Princess: Massa, Verstappen, Mercedes, Toro Rosso (US)
Phil: The Hopefuls: Hamilton, Magnussen, Force India, Marussia (GB)
Stephen: Halo, it's me: Bottas, Nasr, Toro Rosso, Mercedes (Italy)
Laura: Beauty & the F1 Geek: Rosberg, Bottas, Toro Rosso, Sauber (Austria)
Alistair: BogOffBernie: Magnussen, Wehrlein, Williams, Mercedes (China)
Mark: Weak End of Bernie: Verstappen, Kvyat, Mercedes, Toro Rosso (Spain)
Richard: Marian's Marvels: Rosberg, Button, Renault, Marussia (Japan)
Lisa: British Racing Green: Vettel, Massa, Williams, Toro Rosso (GB)

1. Picking a team

First you must choose a team name.   Anyone who submits a nameless team will not only be allocated a name by me but will score no points for the first race.

Following a (fantasy) year of controversy and deep division, your total budget this year has dropped to £50million.  With this budget you must choose a team comprising of the following:

2 x Drivers
1 x Constructor/Chassis
1 x Engine

Each driver, constructor and engine is given a value based on previous performances and their potential for success during the 2016 season (i.e. the most expensive drivers, cars and engines will be those predicted to be the most successful).

There are no points for coming in under budget.

Deadline for submitting teams is Thursday 17 March 2016.  Different teams can be made up of identical drivers and constructors but must have a different home track.  If you submit a team and home track that has already been chosen you will be invited to pick again (the bonus of entering early is to get the team you wish).

In the event that a constructor withdraws from the 2016 championship, any FF1 team with their chassis or engine will not be reallocated a different constructor and will score no more points for that chassis/engine.  If a constructor is bought out (even after a withdrawal or break from competing) then any FF1 team with that chassis/engine will receive the points scored by the new constructor.  A driver picked by a FF1 team will score points for the team with whichever constructor they drive for or no points if they are not competing, i.e. if they are dropped or their constructor withdraws from the championship.

Only one team may be submitted per human being.

Submission should be by email to claire_crawford@hotmail.com

1.2 Prizes
To make the league “more interesting” entry is £10, which will be put into a prize money pot.  If fewer than twenty teams are entered, the winner will win 60% of the prize, 2^nd place 30% and 3^rd place 10%. If twenty or more teams enter then the winner will receive 40%, 2^nd place 30%, 3^rd place 15%, 4^th place 10% and 5^th place 5%.

2. How to score points

Scoring starts from the Australian GP onwards. Fantasy points are allocated based on the performance of your drivers, constructor’s cars and engine.

2.1 Drivers
:: The driver who completes the fastest lap in the final qualifying round will receive +15 points.
If a driver receives an engine penalty he will receive points based on his qualifying lap time i.e. we will not penalise FF1 teams for engine changes.

Example, Fernando Alonso sets the fastest time in the 3rd qualifying session but has a ten place grid penalty for changing his engine he will still get +15 points.

:: The driver who completes the fastest lap during the race will receive +15 points.

:: The driver who makes up the most positions from their place on the grid (after penalties) to their finishing place will receive +15 points.

In the event of this being tied the driver finishing in the highest position will receive the points.

:: Drivers that finish the race in the top 10 positions will score points as follows;

1^st - 25 points
2^nd - 18 points
3^rd - 15 points
4^th - 12 points
5^th - 10 points
6^th - 8 points
7^th  - 6 points
8^th - 4 points

9^th – 2 points

10^th – 1 point

2.2 Constructors/Chassis
Each Constructor has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1^st - 25 points
2^nd - 18 points
3^rd - 15 points
4^th - 12 points
5^th - 10 points
6^th - 8 points
7^th  - 6 points
8^th - 4 points

9^th – 2 points

10^th – 1 point

2.3 Engines
Each Engine supplier has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1^st - 25 points
2^nd - 18 points
3^rd - 15 points
4^th - 12 points
5^th - 10 points
6^th - 8 points
7^th  - 6 points
8^th - 4 points

9^th – 2 points

10^th – 1 point

2.4 Home Track

Each team should pick one circuit as their Home Track (see 5. CALENDAR).  The points scored by their team at this race will be doubled.  

3. Communications

A bulletin containing the scores and possibly a little light-hearted banter will be posted on the website as soon as possible after each race.  The blog address is http://thepitstopprincess.blogspot.com

Team listings will be posted on the website.

Notification of results updates by email can be requested.

The website will also contain caption competitions and competitors are invited to post their punditry on the season.

4. Prices

4.1 Drivers

5 Stars – Awkward in the podium room
Hamilton - £26m (driving for Mercedes)

Rosberg - £25m (driving for Mercedes)

Vettel – £22m (driving for Ferrari)

Alonso - £18m(driving for McLaren)

Raikkonen - £16m (driving for Ferrari)

4 Stars – All smiles
Ricciardo - £13m (driving for Red Bull)

Button - £12m (driving for McLaren...unbelievavbly)

Bottas - £10m (driving for Williams)

3 Stars – Not quite as good as their team mate

Kvyat - £9m (driving Red Bull)

Massa - £8m (driving for Williams)

2 Stars – Peddling Hard

Perez - £7m (driving for Force India)

Hulkenberg - £6m (driving for Force India)

Verstappen - £5m (driving for Toro Rosso)

Grosjean - £4m (driving for Haas)

1 Star – Pedalling

Sainz Jr. - £4m (driving for Toro Rosso)

Magnussen - £4m (driving for Renault)

Nasr - £3m (driving for Sauber)

Ericsson - £3m (driving for Sauber)

Gutierrez - £3m (driving for Haas)

Palmer - £3m (driving for Renault)

Wehrlein - £2m (driving for Manor Marussia)

Haryanto - £2m (driving for Manor Marussia)

4.2 Chassis

5 Stars – Big budget
Mercedes - £26m

Ferrari - £24m

Red Bull – £23m

McLaren - £20m

4 Stars – Plucky independents
Williams - £18m

Force India - £15m

3 Stars - Middle Field
Toro Rosso - £10m

2 Stars – Somehow familiar

Renault - £8m

Haas - £8m

1 Star – Congratulations for not going into administration

Manor Marussia - £4m

Sauber - £3m

4.3 Engines

5 Stars – Upper Class
Mercedes - £26m

Ferrari - £24m

Renault (Red Bull) – £23m

Honda (McLaren) - £20m

4 Stars – Business Class
Mercedes (Williams) - £18m

Mercedes (Force India) - £15m

3 Stars - Standard
Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - £10m

2 Stars – Economy Plus

Renault - £8m

Ferrari (Haas) - £8m

1 Star – Economy

Mercedes (Manor Marussia) - £4m

Ferrari (Sauber) - £3m

5. Calendar

20^th March – Australia

3^rd April - Bahrain

17^th April – China

1^st May - Russia

15^th May – Spain

29^th May – Monaco

12^th June – Canada

19^th June - Azerbaijan

3^rd July – Austria

10^th July – Great Britain

24^th July - Hungary

31^st July -- Germany

28^th August – Belgium

4^th September – Italy

18^th September – Singapore

2^nd October - Malaysia

9^th October – Japan

23^rd October - USA

30^th October - Mexico

13^th November – Brazil

27^th November – Abu Dhabi