Feeling the effects of going F1 cold turkey?

Check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIqfwNrjoE0

Abu Dhabi Charts

Chart of Lust

1. 4-way drivers championships - they are exciting.
2. (re-entry) Sparkly helmets - working their magic for Vettel.
3. F1 names - this entry is dedicated to my new favourite, Kenny Handkammer.
4. (re-entry) Yachts - yes, please.
5. Germans crying - always slightly satisfying.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry - I know, how so?!) Ledgard - unable to distinguish between a front and a rear wing.
2. (re-entry) Graphics - no one's overtaken any one, or pitted, for laps. I think the championship prediction will be same as when you showed it 30 seconds ago.
3. (new entry) Wet shirt contests - as sported by Red Bull Top Brass on the podium. Why him when there are all those lovely clapping ladies hanging around?
4. (static) EJ - firstly for the purple trousers and secondly, for his ability to conduct a lengthy interview, allowing the interviewee (Dietrich Mateschitz) to only get one sentence in.
5. (new entry) Queen - Red Bull need a new CD.

Abu Dhabi Deliberations - "Thank you. I love you."

Never mind the bollards, the FF1 2010 season has drawn to a close. The Beeb kicked this off with a racism-lite Arabian nights (with a Welsh twang) introduction to their coverage. Then rolled out the Big Guns: Moss and Walker, who they didn't sit near to each other to have a conversation.



There were a lot of classic quotes to take away from the race. My favourite was the team radio to Alonso: "Use the best of your talent. We know how big it is." It's a shame the Ferrari strategists only packed their second-best talent, their best talent must have been at the dry-cleaners. Schumacher commented, when asked about Vettel's victory compared to his: "My time is a different time from this time." If this is not your time, Schumi, why are you driving a car that so many other, talented, drivers would get better use out of? Alonso was looking at the positives at the end, taking a lot from his failure by noting for the record that he has beaten some other records. But not any important ones I guess.



So, at the end of the year, two young men finally revealed the talent the got them into F1. Petrov came good and held up a two-time world champion and Vettel waited until after he crossed the chequered line, to be told that he had won. Not sure I believe him.



Thanks for playing along this year. Have a happy off-season. See you in March.

Final Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 1015
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 993
3. Blood on the tracks - 945
4. The Lord of the Wings - 881
5. Chew Chew Joe - 840
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 821
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 782
8. The Young and the Restless - 772
9. Hippy F1 - 762
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 736
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 709
12. The Pitstop Princess - 695
13. Wheely wheely fast - 587
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 289

If Que Senna Senna and a representative of the Bloody Bananas team get inn touch, I will arrange the winner's spoils to be directed their way. Congrats.

Brazil GP Caption Competition

What is the pole-sitter and runners-up thinking?

Brazil Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) The Hulk - who else could take this week's number 1 slot! And say "what a nice surprise!"
2. (re-entry) Adrian Newey - his genius confirmed by another constructor's championship.
3. (new entry) McLaren VIP area - in-the-pit deck to watch the race from, I wonder if Williams have one to....and how one gets an invite?
4. (new entry) Samba on the podium - made a welcome change from the usual Classic FM track for spraying the champers.
5. Eddie Jordan - knew all along that Williams would be on pole, apparently.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Jake Humphrey - believes that pole "is nearly a new experience for Williams". My Jake voodoo doll really suffered this weekend.
2. (new entry) Whinging - Hamilton, over and over and over. You are not world champion, you do not have a champion car, get over it.
3. (new entry) "If it stayed like this..." - repeated ad nauseum. I know there's not much happening on track but can we have a little creativity to our commentary please, Ledgard.
4. (new entry) Eddie Jordan - knew Webber would take Hulk immediately, have more faith, even if it's fruitless, Eddie. And then there's his pink-spotted shirt - bringing sartorial disasters to HD.
5. (re-entry) BBC Coverage - comparing Alonso to a horse.

Brazil GP Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 979
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 952
3. Blood on the tracks - 872
4.The Lord of the Wings - 844
5. Chew Chew Joe - 790
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 779
7. Hippy F1 - 746
8. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 728
9. The Young and the Restless - 719
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 676
11. The Pitstop Princess - 668
12. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 667
13. Wheely wheely fast - 558
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 284

Oh deep joy!

Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop

Still inclined to dance around my flat, shrieking. Qualifying will never be as good again. Hoping tomorrow never comes.

Korea Charts

Chart of Lust

1. Stewards bank of television screens - that's where I'd like to watch the race from.
2. Rubber galoshes - very practical.
3. FIA announcer - "Well done gentlemen", maintaining that cool, hip vibe the marketing folk have spent so long garnering.
4. (re-entry) Rain - I got a lot of knitting done today.
5. (down 2) Comebacks - Schumacher, at last, there's no fun in despising him when he just keeps proving the point.

Chart of Loathing

1. Bunch of jesse's - get out there and race. Some of us live in Scotland, where this is the norm.
2. Mission Control - really? It's a room with no window,s full of geeks in grey who aren't important enough to spend the money shipping them to the race.
3. Ozzies - Rosberg was doing so well!
4. Rain - it's raining, it's poring, the audience is snoring.
5. Shots of cute Korean kids - would like to see some racing please, TV director. Oh no, there isn't any of that to show is there?

Korea GP Banter - "Beautiful. Beautiful. Avanti Ferrari avanti."

Well I hope you didn't get up at crazy o'clock to watch a lot of not-racing? Even DC thought it was embarrassing that the best drivers in the world, in the most sophisticated cars were following around a modified road car through a spot of precipitation. And it's not often you'll catch me agreeing with The Jaw. Perhaps weather forecasting should be banned, that way they'd all go out and just see what happened.


In an effort to stop the EJ-DC bickering, the two had been separated by thousands of miles by sending DC to Woking to sit in "Mission Control" at McLaren HQ. Did this make coverage any better? Nope. We just had DC on a time delay despite the fact that he was in the same country as us. I assume he is no longer a Red Bull employee and this was all an elaborate way to get an mole inside their rival's offices.


Overall the BBC's coverage was particularly disappointing, what with the endless, uninspired footage about the 5 championship contenders, DC starting every sentence with "It's fascinating..." and Ledgard mistaking Rosberg (in a yellow helmet and white suit) for Webber (in a blue helmet and blue suit). There was no explanation of Petrov's retirement or of Hulkenberg overtaking Alguasauri for points.


At the close of the race Red Bull had failed to win the constructor's championship and Williams failed to overtake Force India, despite running 5th and 6th until very nearly the nail-biting end. Webber also confirmed just how poor his driving is in wet conditions. A fact that those of us who sat in the rain watching him spin in front of us over and over again at Silverstone in 2008 will confirm. Certain people will also be pleased that Schumacher finally delivered the goods with a solid points finish. One of only 15 drivers that did finish.

Korea Caption Competition

Please post your entry as a comment...

Korea GP Results - Revised

1. Liuzzi goes bananas - 915
2. Que Senna Senna - 906
3. Blood on the tracks - 825
4. The Lord of the Wings - 785
5. Chew Chew Joe - 754
6. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 737
7. Hippy F1 - 714
8. The Young and the Restless - 683
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 674
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 648
11= You will never see me in Lederhosen - 645
11= The Pitstop Princess - 645
13. Wheely wheely fast - 534
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 278

Sorry. If children could teach themselves, then I'd have brainspace for this malarky.

Japan GP Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 866
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 834
3. Blood on the tracks - 792
4. The Lord of the Wings - 766
5. Chew Chew Joe - 729
6. Hippy F1 - 688
7. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 679
8. The Young and the Restless - 653
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 647
10. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 619
11. The Pitstop Princess - 597
12. Wheely wheely fast - 516
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 251

Japan Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) Nicknames - am going to steal "Kobabashi"
2. (new entry) Disappearance of the clapping ladies - looks like Gurning Rubber, Blood on the tracks and Liuzzi goes banana's wish was granted!
3. (new entry) F1-engineered paper boats - a new twist on traditional Japanese origami.
4. (new entry) 5 Live coverage - don't know if you too got a period of McNish and someone else from 5 Live instead of Ledgard and Brundle but I might press the red button next race as they were pretty good.
5. (new entry) Lee Mackenzie - professional, grown-up, knowledgeable...everything Jake is not.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bloody amateurs - Petrov and Massa namely. Any word of a penalty yet?
2. (new entry) Wheel loss - is it too much to ask that cars are able to retain four wheels? Looks like the stewards have been focusing on whether wings flex too much and taken their eye of the important balls.
3. (new entry) Adrian Newey - perhaps we could make him design cars blindfold to make F1 more competitive?
4. (new entry) Mystery pit lane woman - who made interviewing drivers sound like it was ruining an otherwise lovely holiday in Japan.
5. (new entry) Di Grassi - bad luck anyone who picked him.

Japanese Joshing - "Woo hoo. Yes"

With the Scots taking over Formula 1 coverage this weekend, I'm very surprised that DC and Jordan did not behave more like kids with a supply teacher and seemed to reach consensus on every issue. The lovely Lee Mackenzie provided a refreshing change from the eager puppy dog Jake Humphries and gave him a masterclass on how to fill two hours of live television about the rain (I suppose she is uniquely qualified, being one of the aforementioned Scots) without getting in anybody's way at all. There's plenty to look forward to coming up on the Beeb's coverage through, Brundle tells us: "We have a very interesting feature coming up on wheelnuts".

It was another Grand Prix where Williams started very well (top 5 in Q1) and slowly slid further down the order as the weekend progressed but we closed the gap to Force India, despite Petrov's best efforts.

Hamilton's run of bad luck continued in Japan, losing third gear during the race. Where did you last use it dear? Schumi continues to play second fiddle to the lovely Rosberg, unable to overtake him, even with team orders on his side. As we return to the dull days of Red Bull One-Twos, it looks like the racing is set to be boring for the remainder of the season. Alonso believes that podiums (podia?) will be enough to win the championship and everyone else will be too scared to do any daring does in case they end up DNF. Let's hope Kubica, Massa, Rosberg, Barrichello or any other outsider suddenly has a surge of form and makes it interesting.

Competition & Apologies

As I write from London, I write with a contrite heart. I have left the pen drive with the FF1 spreadsheet back in Glasgow. So there won't be any results up until Thursday, at least.

However, I will still post the commentary and here is a competition to keep your spirit's up:

Question: With rain postponing qualifying, what other methods could the FIA use to order drivers on the grid?

Answers: Length of beard? Length of service? Canoe? Paper boat design?

Please post any of your answers as a comment.

Singapore Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Kubica - supplying the most exciting action on track.
2. (new entry) Sparkly helmets - Vettel sported a holographic design to put the floodlighting to best use.
3. (new entry) Comebacks - hello Heidfeld, F1's best lisp.
4. (new entry) Joy - brought on by watching Schumi battle with a Lotus as a backmarker.
5. (new entry) Portable air conditioning - although when would I use it in Scotland?

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Comebacks - hello Pussycat Doll, you flew 20 hours to surprise Hamilton and brought lots of bad luck with you.
2. (new entry) Brundle - for saying "Obviously Barrichello will be easy meat for Webber".
3. (new entry) BBC's choice of music - top of the pops this week is Thriller.
4. (up 1) Matching shirts- sartorially Jake and DC went for lilac this week.
5. (down 2) Clapping ladies - I am bored of you, be gone, with your red tennis dress and knee high boots.

Singapore Slinging - "We will get them, don't you worry."

For the third time, F1 returned to the most stunning race on the calendar. Sign me up for a space on the skypark next year please. It was a hairy race weekend in parts, Massa and Kovalainen both spending time outside of the car on track when they shouldn't. A frustrating weekend for some, Hamilton getting a second DNF in two races and the Hulk slamming his helmet into a cupboard like a stropping teenager. Others came out smiling knowing their team mate might now have to support them for the rest of the year (Button) or that they recovered a poor qualifying well (Webber). Ferrari topped and tailed the grid and do not seem to care about Massa at all anymore. We haven't had a race with such a high drop-out rate for a while, I felt most sorry for Glock, who is lovely and was doing so so well in his Virgin. Hypocrisy continues to reign in F1 too, team orders cost me a point, with Kubica overtaking his teammate Petrov very easily. I demand an investigation.

ps. anyone concerned (Trimble!) that I have got the scores wrong, should note that Hulkenberg and Sutil were demoted by the stewards after the race for missing the chicane.

Singapore Caption Competition

Please post your caption on Heikki Kovalainen acting as a fire marshall as a comment. Look forward to reading them and thanks to those who submitted something last week.

Singapore Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 808
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 796
3. Blood on the tracks - 730
4. Gurning Rubber - 722*
5. The Lord of the Wings - 711
6. Chew Chew Joe - 693
7. Hippy F1 - 645
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 637*
9. The Young and the Restless - 623
10. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 598*
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 590*
12. The Pitstop Princess - 582
13= Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 525
13= Birley Chassis - 525*
15. The Cake King - 513*
16. Wheely wheely fast - 493
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 241

* Result provisional until registration paid.

Italy Caption Competition - because we always like to poke fun at Lewis Hamilton

Italian Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Hulkenberg - just brilliant for Williams, outshone Barrichello all weekend
2. (new entry) Proper podium champagne battle - the first for a long time
3. (re-entry) Italian sunshine - send some our way please
4. (re-entry) Ray Bans - sported by one and all
5. (re-entry) Papa Button's lucky pink shirt - works it's magic once again

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bad conspiracy theories - mostly from Eddie: Schumi's going to retire, Vettel's engine is remotely switched off
2. (re-entry) Santander trophies - no more, too corporate and too soulless
3. (new entry) Clapping ladies - badly dressed and getting boring
4. (re-entry) Reluctant hugs - Massa and Alonso once again
5. (re-entry) Matching shirts - DC and Jake offend again

Italian Analysis - "Fantastica. Pit Stop Stupende."

The Italian grand prix didn't provide the most exciting weekend of the season. Lots of disappointed drivers but a couple of favourites doing well and putting a smile on peoples faces. Hamilton learnt that you gain no points by having the fastest car on the grid if you crash it into another vehicle on the first lap. We also heard Vettel crying into his radio when his engine had a moment. Spare a pitiful thought too for Trulli, whose car blew up at his home race. At his last home race? Massa looked gutted on the podium that he had not delivered a Ferrari win at Monza. To finish, Alonso took at bow, very fitting.

ps. a word of advice for Stefano Domenicali from Mr PP: trim Alonso's eyebrows and you'll have some more weight to play with in the car.

Italy Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 744
2. Liuzzi goes bananas - 729
3. Blood on the tracks - 700
4. The Lord of the Wings - 655
5. Hippy F1 - 610
6. The Young and the Restless - 601
7. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 568
8. The Pitstop Princess - 541
9. Wheely wheely fast - 463
10. Ferrari Fanatic - 222

Italy saw the highest points haul of the season with Liuzzi really delivering for Liuzzi goes bananas.

Wondering where your team is? You haven't paid your entry fee, get in touch.

Belgium Caption Competition

You have two weeks to submit your bestest, wittiest captions by commenting below.

Belgium Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 684 *
2. Blood on the tracks - 670
3. The Lord of the Wings - 623
4. Chew Chew Joe - 617 *
5. Hippy F1 - 589 *
6. The Young and the Restless - 571
7. Gurning Rubber - 567 *
8. Liuzzi goes bananas - 553
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 544
10. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 539
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 526 *
12. The Pitstop Princess - 491
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 485 *
14. Wheely wheely fast - 432
15. Birley Chassis - 374 *
16. The Cake King - 373 *
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 188

There are a few teams that haven't paid there fees yet this year (I've asterisked you). Drop me an email to let me know about receiving payment, otherwise I'll drop you from the next race.

Belgian Banter

Another exciting race yet fairly fruitless for the Pitstop Princess. It followed a heart-stopping qualifying where Williams pipped Mercedes into the top 10. Then to the race, following Webber's atrocious start, one Williams was lost on lap 2. Barrichello celebrated 300 race starts by proving that starting is easy, finishing is much harder and you hamper your chances if you drive into other competitors.

Conspiracy theorists may wonder whether Massa missing his starting box on the grid and potentially getting penalised was a canny way for Ferrari to get Alonso ahead of him without any media wrath.

Williams went on to have a drivesomething problem with the Hulk's car, ruining another promising race weekend. Other lowlights include Vettel's (or Baby Schumi) attempts to prove that there is only one German on the grid that can really pull dangerous driving manoeuvres and poor Kubica overshooting his pitbox and losing 2nd place.

What did I enjoy in the race? Petrov's rise through the pack. Senna's super spins. Lucky Lewis holding it all together through the gravel trap. Mr Pitstop Princess's comments during the race. As a newbie he wondered if the pitlane is where Power Rangers retire to when they are too fat to fight evil and whether the Belgian clapping ladies were wearing sashes to collect badges on.

Forgive the omission of the charts this week, school is too busy for such trifles but I would have included post-holiday tans on the Chart of Lust and Ledgard being on a time-delay on the Chart of Loathing.

Hungary Charts

Chart of Lust


1. (re-entry) Newbies - The Hulk outqualifies Barrichello, Petrov outqualified Kubica and Rosberg 6, Schumacher 14. Retire old men.
2. (new entry) Bernie - for saying about team orders/tactics: "They're all dressed the same.
3. (new entry) Ledgard - for saying: "Michael Schumacher's gone soft." Obviously he was referring to his tyre choice not his driving style.
4. (new entry) Barrichello - for finally speaking out
5. (new entry) Anniversaries - 150 races for Webber, 100 for Red Bull


Chart of Loathing


1. (new entry) Sabotage - what's the betting Schumacher fixed it so that the mechanics didn't properly attached all of Rosberg's wheels.
2. (new entry) Sulking - Massa last weekend, Vettel this weekend.
3. (up 1) Reluctant hugs - Seb doesn't want a hug, Mark, it won't make it better.
4. (new entry) The trophy - a wooden animal carcass? Just what I wanted.
5. (new entry) Whitmarsh's Ray Bans - I don't care if Jenson gets you them for free, take them off.

Hungary Hectoring - "Black flag, black flag, that was terrible"

An odd editorial decision by the BBC this week led to the coverage being a obituary of Sir Frank and the Williams team. They kept referring to Sir Frank in the past tense and pointing out that the last win was in 2004. Very cheery. With Force India struggling again this weekend, it was actually a big opportunity for Williams, which they capitalised upon brilliantly. The BBC also, finally, used the Abba song "Fernando" to illustrate the Massa/Alonso battle. I have waited many years for some producer to succumb.


Qualifying was quite exciting with Schumacher and Button struggling to get in to Q3 and Whitmarsh commenting that, in 5th position, McLaren were: "the best of the fixed-wing vehicles". The genius of Adrian Newey strikes again.


The race had it's ups and downs, where a procession had been predicted. Alguasaumi and Hamilton both retired. Hamilton looking sadly at his car thinking: "Can I have a blue one now please?". I had to rewind the coverage to understand what was happening during the pit lane chaos during the safety car period. Then Vettel demonstrated that not all drivers have a photographic memory and can remember every rule in that BIG rulebook. This left him very upset and even "took his hands off the wheel" during his drive-through. The climax of the race was Barrichello's (in a Williams!) overtaking of Schumacher. Didn't he punish the poor Brazilian enough during the Ferrari years? Ruebens commented: "Luckily the wall finished there" in response to being drive into it. The unluckiest man in F1, Webber, seems to be turning his fate around this year. His win: "was a gift but I haven't had many of them, so I'll take this one now".


It's very very close points-wise (20) between the top five drivers in the championship. At some point the teams are going to have to promote one driver above the other, if they haven't already. Watch this space for fireworks but in the meantime happy holidays.

Hungary Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 644
2. Blood on the tracks - 620
3. Chew Chew Joe - 592
4. The Lord of the Wings - 565
5. Gurning Rubber - 541
6. Hippy F1 - 531
7. The Young and the Restless - 530
8. Liuzzi goes bananas - 527
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 520
10. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 487
11. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 464
12. The Pitstop Princess - 458
13. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 448
14. Wheely wheely fast - 418
15. The Cake King - 373
16. Birley Chassis - 350
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 155

Germany Gibber - "You've been bloody fast all weekend"

Two teams really stood out in this race. Ferrari for their resurgence (both in winning and cheating) and Williams for a fabulous masterclass in travelling backwards. Both cars qualified in the top 10 and then raced to see how low they could finish and how far outside the points, failing to capitalise on a shoddy race by rivals Force India. Although full marks for the 2.9 second pitstop.


The first Schumimove of the race came when Vettel (or Baby Schumi to the German press) concentrated so hard on pushing Alonso into the wall at the start he didn't notice the other Ferrari take full advantage of the open road he was leaving clear.


Then the second Schumimove came from his old team: through gritted teeth "Fernando is faster than you. Can you confirm that you understand the message?" It was a decision that was applauded by Schumacher in post-race interviews. It must be bad.


It was a great race for team radio, playing a key part in Ordersgate as well as letting us hear Petrov getting a ticking off for not reducing his revs.


At the end of the day, Alonso gets 25 points and Massa gets a Yorkshire man on the radio: "Good lad, mate. Felipe Massa is back in business. You were very very magnanimous. You won't have any idea what that word means, so I'll explain it to you later." Massa's German haul is a small, rubbish trophy, a thesaurus and a whippet. If Vettel was not already feeling down in the mouth about finishing third at his home race, he then had to deal with a very awkward situation on the podium. Followed by an BAFTA-winning performance by Alonso describing how his opportunity to overtake came at Turn 6, the hairpin. Aside from "no comment", Massa monosyllabically described how he was not overtaken but passed.


Roll on Hungary, let's see which partnership is next to explode. Will Schumacher finally nobble Rosberg? Will Button put a brick in a custard pie, surely a clown fight is the next PR stunt for the chirpy Brits? Or will Trulli get so sick of Kovalainen's chipper "hey, I love being at the back of the grid" demeanour that he runs him off the road?

Germany Charts

Chart of Lust


1. (static) Intra-team tension - the Pitstop Princess waved her wand, it backfired and stirred up tension between some other teammates.
2. (re-entry) Radio footage - sooo useful
3. (re-entry) Spaniards - winners of the German GP, Tour de France and World Cup. What next? International tiddly-winks?




Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) Bickering - the best coverage was when EJ ran off camera to hassle Stefano Domenicali
2. (re-entry) Cheating - we'd just got used to McLaren being the naughty boys when Ferrari felt it was time for a return to the good old days.
3. (new entry) Santander trophies - for every race, so dull, puts me off banking with them entirely 4. (new entry) Reluctant hugs - poor Massa, a hug will not make it better, Fernando
5. (new entry) Matching pink shirts - sigh, DC and Jake

Germany Results

1. Chew Chew Joe - 575
2. Que Senna Senna - 574
3. Blood on the tracks - 571
4. The Lord of the Wings - 528
5. Gurning Rubber - 519
6. The Young and the Restless - 516
7= Hippy F1 - 505
7= Liuzzi goes bananas - 505
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 475
10. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 457
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 422
12. The Pitstop Princess - 418
13. Wheely wheely fast - 413
14. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 392
15. The Cake King - 351
16. Birley Chassis - 308
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 143

Silverstone Stuff - "Not bad for a number 2 driver." "Do you think you'll manage a smile now?"

Not too much to say about this race really. Back to Silverstone and it's very much same old same old, despite alterations to the track. Muddly Talker was wheeled out and he said much the same stuff as always, "blah blah, great atmosphere, blah blah". As Walker, Moss, Hill (looking more and more like George Harrison, Beatles conspiricists note) et. al. were wheeled in, poor Bruno Senna was wheeled out to replaced by someone who could pay HRT to drive the car. Don't lose heart those who selected him for their team, apparently he will be back.



Mixed fortunes for the teams at the end of the day. Red Bull are having to deal with what seems an increasingly tense situation with their two drivers as they try to favour one without appearing to whilst making quite obvious decisions that do. McLaren salvaged a pretty mediocre showing to get 2nd and 4th. Ferrari suffered once again at the hands of the stewards: "Instead of giving one car back the advantage, we gave to to everyone else." Most importantly though, Williams finished with both cars in the points. And there I shall happily sign off.

Silverstone Charts

Chart of Lust



1. (new entry) Intra-team tension - how intriguing, these team mate rivalries might really liven things up for the second half of the season, if only the Pitstop Princess could wave a magic wand and really stir things up between Vettel and Webber.
2. (re-entry) Sutil - why? For overtaking Schumi, of course. Again.
3. (new entry) Sunshine - how lovely for those down South, ah I remember those golden days when I too could enjoy it (last week!).
4. (new entry) 10-17 year contract for Silverstone - means potentially I may attend again.
5. (re-entry) Adrian Newey - he really is quite clever methinks.


Chart of Loathing


1. (new entry) Stewards - on behalf of Ferrari - boooooooo.
2. (new entry) EJ's purple trousers - mocked by one and all.
3. (re-entry) Bitter Twist of Fate - punctures all round for Vettel and Massa and a couple of potentially good battles rescheduled for another race.
4. (down 3) Whinging - he got the wing I wanted, my drive-through penalty is unfair, grump, grump, storm off.
5. (re-entry) Austrian national anthem - it must be a little galling for the entire Red Bull F1 outfit and their visiting families to be deemed Austrian.

Silverstone Results

An interesting race that saw the biggest points haul of the season so far (Chew Chew Joe with his home track joker played) and our first zero (Birley Chassis, Ferrari really not doing the business this week).


1. Chew Chew Joe - 543
2. Que Senna Senna - 508
3. The Lord of the Wings - 498
4. Hippy F1 - 491
5. Blood on the tracks - 489
6. The Young and the Restless - 487
7. Gurning Rubber - 472
8. Liuzzi goes bananas - 458
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 424
10. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 402
11. Wheely wheely fast - 397
12. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 381
13. The Pitstop Princess - 370
14. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 340
15. The Cake King - 316
16. Birley Chassis - 232
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 123

Goodwood Festival of Speed Report

or What I Did on My Holidays

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Goodwood Festival of Speed to celebrate the 70th birthday of Chew Chew Joe. It was good. I mainly spent my time booing Lewis Hamilton and any car driven by Schumacher and cheering all the Williamses.

Here is Hamilton doing doughnuts to try and please a crowd that, despite the tannoy man's best efforts, would not cheer him.

I also did a bit of spying. Lotus unveiled a new aerodynamic feature on their car.

A pair of lovely ladies, who apparantly increase downforce.

Struggling to cope with paying Schumacher's salary, the Mercedes management had limited choice when selecting a test driver.

Ferrari took the opportunity of some track time to test one of their older models. They have decided to race it for the rest of the season as it was quicker than their current car.

And finally a picture of the current Williams. Oh, no, sorry, it's too quick to catch on film.

Valencia Charts

Chart of Lust


1. (new entry) Kobayashi - well done, son. Two passes in the last two laps. Including one on a twice world champion.
2. (new entry) Paddock nicknames - The Hulk. Although my Mum is much more creative - her best is Trulli Scrumptious.
3. (new entry) Watching the race standing in a pool - with drinks - yes, please, sign me up.
4. (new entry) Ray Bans - as sported by everyone. Do you think they would start sponsoring primary teachers too?
5. (re-entry) Boats - yes, still. I visited Brighton Marina this week.


Chart of Loathing


1. (re-entry) Whinging - Alonso. About Hamilton. I am 9th, he is 2nd. "Be wise and cool".
2. (new entry) Cheating - Hamilton. Again.
3. (new entry) England-Germany football jokes - enough already, we are watching the GP, leave us geeks alone.
4. (new entry) Bickering - EJ and DC. We agree with Bernie: "The BBC must be able to get better people than this?"
5. (static) Return of the Pussycat Doll - today's expression is "concerned".

LATE ENTRY: Post-race steward decisions. I don't enjoy working with spreadsheets, you know. I blame Heinz-Harold Frentzen, I believe he is responsible for most evil things in this world.

Valencia - "That's what I'm talking about"

Valencia is not a circuit that favours the Red Bull apparently. This is a lie. At this race we learnt that Red Bulls are good on all circuits and that Red Bull does give you wings, launching Webber through the air as he tried to overtake Kovalainen by driving over the top of him. Was this Valencia Grand Prix actually any more exciting than the last one, which was derided as a parade? Possibly not. One contentious safety car maketh not a race. It was nevertheless enjoyable to watch Kobayashi's progress and a Williams ending 4th. Although I'm sure one of the worst things a driver (Hulkenberg in the sister Williams) wants to hear over the radio is "Stop and find a fire marshall. Look for an F. Stop now. Now. NOW." It would make me kick the tyre wall in frustration too.



Jake ended the coverage by commenting about "poor, old Michael Schumacher", well one out of two of those facts is correct. Is all the money worth his current ignominy? He hasn't started so far down the grid since he was demoted there for cheating. Ah, the good old days.



This was the first race I have watched with my parents in a long time. The BBC should consider broadcasting my Dad's constant commentary about how much better the MotoGP is compared to the on-screen action on the red button. His best idea was to award all of Webber's points to Kovalainen. Justice in the Crawford household is swiftly delivered and highly punitive.

Europe Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 473
2. The Lord of the Wings - 442
3. Bottle on the tracks - 438
4. Gurning Rubber - 427
5. Liuzzi goes bananas - 413
6. Chew Chew Joe - 407
7. The Young and the Restless - 393
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 384
9. Hippy F1 - 379
10= You will never see me in Lederhosen - 351
10= The Pitstop Princess - 351
12. The Beauty & the F1 Geek - 340
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 311
14. Wheely wheely fast - 289
15. The Cake King - 274
16. Birley Chassis - 232
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 121

Nb. These scores have been adjusted from the final race results as nine drivers were penalised 5 seconds each for breaching the rules when the safety car was called out.

Canada Chat - the soft tyre was made of cheese

It was good to watch another race at Montreal. So much action and on at a civilised time. The circuit produced the best qualifying session for a long, long, long time and then a great race with actual overtaking and everything.

In many ways it was a day for reminiscing. Schumacher returned to his old ways, performing badly and shunting people left, right and centre. Ron Dennis returned to the paddock to be smug. And McLaren took up cheating again, not putting enough fuel in the car to return to the pitlane after qualifying. As this makes the car ligher and therefore faster, I say "cheat cheat cheat". They had to give the stewards some peanuts to make up for it.

I don't begrudge Hamilton winning (much) but at least he could be a little excited about it. His radio footage on his lap of honour was so dull that I have had to quote Christian Horner in the title of this post.

I will put a picture up to be captioned as soon as I have time.

Canada Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Canada - it's good to be back
2. (new entry) Williams - for both drivers beating Schumacher in qualifying - how long have I yearned to include them in this chart?!
3= (new entry) Buemi - for successfully overtaking Schumacher
3= (new entry) Liuzzi - for successfull overtaking Schumacher
3= (new entry) Sutil - for successfully overtaking Schumacher
6. (new entry) Radio footage - lots and lots and lots and quite interesting

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Traffic - for holding up Alonso - booooo
2. (new entry) Clear-the-air summits - why not let things fester and come to a head on the track? Much more interesting. It's standard practice at the RSAMD, don't you know Red Bull?
3. (new entry) Blue sunglasses - what next DC? A blue rinse?
4. (new entry) Return of the caption competition - I give up
5. (down 4) Return of the Pussycat Doll - apparantly she brings good luck

Canada Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 436
2. The Lord of the Wings - 409
3. Gurning Rubber - 388
4. Liuzzi goes bananas - 374
5. Blood on the tracks - 365
6. The Young and the Restless - 359
7= Corpus Christi - Trimble - 358
7= Hippy F1 - 358
9. The Pitstop Princess - 338
10. Chew Chew Joe - 332
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 318
12. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 289
13. Wheely wheely fast - 244
14= Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 238
14= The Cake King - 238
16. Birley Chassis - 228
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 117

Turkey Caption Competition

Now I have more time on my hands, I thought the caption competition should rear it's ugly head again? What are Lewis Hamilton and Mark Webber saying to each other? Please post entries as a comment.

Turkey Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Intrigue - how will this team rivalry play out?
2. (new entry) Pitstop overtaking - the only excitement in the first half of the race, go Red Bull
3. (down 1) Adrian Newey - 7 poles in 7 races
4. (new entry )Metro - who call Robert Kubica "Bob Kub", my favourite nickname of the season
5. (new entry) Return of the caption competition - please please submit something

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Return of the Pussycat Doll - dramatics for the camera, if we ignore her she might go away
2. (new entry) The bunch of miserablists - submitted by Beauty & the F1 Geek, if you a race podium, please jump about a bit, or smile, or look a little bit pleased.
3. (new entry) Pierced ears - both of Lewis's done in some kind of LA-inspired madness, as Button said: "Each to their own" but then he has a tattoo of a button...
4. (new entry) Coded signals - what did Vettel mean by circling his ear with his index finger?
5. (new entry) Matching belts - DC and Jake, BFF.

Turkey Talk - "We pushed them and they cracked"

This was always a four horse race, we didn't anticipate the four horses turning on each other. As I type F1 geeky sorts are getting terrifically excited about the possibility that there were dark manoeuvrings in each team to promote one driver over the other. All sparked by driver mumblings on the podium.



If you're interested in the progress of McLaren or Red Bull it was a fairly interesting race to watch; if you're interested in the progress of Williams, you may as well have switched off. Roll on Canada. Although the Hulk did some nifty overtaking at the start of the race. There were a couple of false starts, action-wise, with rain expected imminently and arrived never and the potential of the McLarens running out of fuel and didn't. What did happen were some great team tangles. And I thought "Save fuel, same for both cars" was code for no overtaking, hold positions.



All this led to some very glum faces on the podium, where we got to see just how wee Hamilton is next to Button. Further curiosity ignited when Hamilton and Webber whispered during Button's interview. How rude! Show me how beautifully you can listen, please!



Red Bull boss, Horner, was largely "disappointed" and felt they had "handed 43 points on a plate to McLaren". McLaren boss, Whitmarsh, felt there was too much cuddling of the person who delivered that plate du jour. Further afield, Alonso and Massa had boring races. They clearly feel that a better car should be delivered to them rather than they pull their fingers out and get racing.

Turkey Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 398
2. The Lord of the Wings - 356
3. Hippy F1 - 337
4. Gurning Rubber - 324
5. The Pitstop Princess - 312
6= Blood on the tracks - 310
6= Liuzzi goes bananas - 310
8. The Young and the Restless - 308
9. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 280
10. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 275
11. Chew Chew Joe - 271
12. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 264
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 216
14. Wheely wheely fast - 214
15. Birley Chassis - 213
16. The Cake King - 201
17. Ferrari Fantatic - 109

Boooooo to Monaco

Follow an investigation, Williams have concluded that Barrichello's spin/crash at Monaco was due to that pesky loose manhole cover at Turn 2. I no longer like the Monaco Grand Prix. This is official. I am making a complaint. Bonus points for Barrichello please.

Monaco Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (static) Webber - bouncing like Tigger with joy on "the greatest day of his life"
2. (static) Adrian Newey - 6 poles in 6 races
3. (new entry) The camera mounted on Massa's car - amazing footage
4. (new entry) i-pads - as sported proudly by Jake, they seem to be featuring a lot in my life this week
5. (new entry) A boat - I know I made this joke last year, but I would still like one please, there are plenty of berths on the Clyde

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Ferrari jumpers - as sported by Fernando Alonso during Qualifying when he should have been wearing overalls and driving his car.
2. (new entry) Schoolboy errors - don't leave stuff in the car, it's Racing 101, McLaren
3. (down 1) Whinging - all the drivers this week, can we have fast and slow sections for qualifying? No.
4. (new entry) Slebs - I didn't identify Jennifer Lopez, Gerard Butler or Michael Douglas, from now on Beauty & the F1 Geek will write about the slebs at races as I lack the knowledge
5. (new entry) Austrian national anthem - the car is made in Milton Keynes!

Monaco Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 371
2= The Lord of the Wings - 283
2= Hippy F1 - 283
4. The Pitstop Princess - 275
5. Blood on the tracks - 267
6. Gurning Rubber - 262
7. Liuzzi goes bananas - 248
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 245
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 240
10. The Young and the Restless - 228
11. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 211
12. Chew Chew Joe - 210
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 207
14. Birley Chassis - 197
15. The Cake King - 179
16. Wheely wheely fast - 174
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 91

If you're wondering why Que Senna Senna is going soooooo well, it's because he's the only person who took a punt having Red Bull in their team.

Monaco - "Unbelievable"

I always had a hunch that Webber would win this race, he nearly did for Williams many moons ago. Williams do not seem to have much luck in the principality. When the safety car was deployed for the third time, I thought: "Well, it can't be a Williams this time". It was definitely a Williams Special today:, qualify very well, one car drops out quickly but other does better giving me much hope, then that one fails too. This is why I never choose Williams for my FF1 team, no I pinned all my hopes on Alonso doing well at Monaco. The message is: "If you find out that I've picked you for my team, just quit now whilst you're ahead and go rallying for a year."

As predicted in my last race post, Schumacher was truly back to his old wily ways. Firstly, blaming the lovely Nico Rosberg for ruining his first qualifying run and then just plain overtaking under the safety car. Fortunately, Damon Hill was on hand in the role of former-driver-steward. How he must have rubbed his hands and chuckled. Revenge is a dish best served with champagne.

Spain Charts

Chart of Lust

1. Webber - partly due to his race-winning ways and partly at the request of Mrs Hippy F1
2. (re-entry) Adrian Newey - what can I do to lure you back to Williams?
3. (new entry) Spaniards - two in the top ten. F1 Reporting 101 - always remind the reader that Mansell said that a home crowd gives you an advantage of 1 second
4. (new entry) RBS - branding completely covered the Williams Pit Wall, if this is where our tax money goes I might start paying it again
5. (down 1) Clouds of ash - this time keeping Coulthard in Monaco and off our screens

Chart of Loathing

1. (re-entry) BBC coverage - today we groan at the trite footage of Button going back to the town he grew up in
2. (re-entry) Whinging - Button not Hamilton this time. Why Jenson? It was Lewis whose tyre collapsed on the penultimate lap not you, who trapsed around behind a has-been.
3. (down 2) Facial furniture - doesn't Lewis read this blog?
4. (new entry) Telephones - enabling those stranded by clouds of ash to still contribute to F1 coverage
5. (new entry) Processional races - leaving me struggling for things to fill charts with

Spain Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 304
2. The Lord of the Wings - 233
3. Hippy F1 - 231
4. Gurning Rubber - 226
5. Blood on the tracks - 224
6. Mr Beauty & the F1 Geek - 213
7= The Young and the Restless - 212
7= Liuzzi goes bananas - 212
9. The Pitstop Princess - 211
10. Chew Chew Joe - 200
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 196
12. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 189
13. Wheely wheely fast - 167
14. Birley Chassis - 165
15. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 158
16. The Cake King - 155
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 77

Spain - "What a perfect weekend"

Well, the pole-sitter has gone on to win the last 10 races at Spain now, so the race outcome was fairly predictable. Making it far more interesting to see what Williams could do with their abysmal qualifying results. Ledgard described these as "shabby", which is the pot calling the kettle black. Qualifying also gave us a shot of Nick Heidfeld sat in the garage - remember him? I think I thought he was possibly still racing in F1, such little impact he made to the sport.

As has been predicted, Rosberg has finally been shafted by Schumacher, with Mercedes completely redesigning and rebuilding the car to suit Schumacher not Rosberg. It was a grim inevitability but this is what you get for leaving Williams. When he watches the race back he will be delighted to see how much coverage there was of his battle with the new Nico in Williams, for 15th and 16th positions.

The main chat about the race was all about left-hand adjustments / in-car driver hand movements, which are where the driver "uses their arm to cover an orifice" (Nick Fry). Or their knee. Thrilling. F1: where top-level motorsport meets one-man-bandery.

At the end of the race, Hamilton's hate-hate relationship with Spain came to fruition when he gifted homeboy Alonso second place when his tyre collapsed. Perhaps he should just miss this race annually?

And so we move on to Monaco, where Red Bull's supreme qualifying and race pace looks set to ensure another procession. Too many cars will be trying to squeeze onto too little track, those 6 new cars are going to have a blast trying to figure out how to stay on the track and out of the way at the same time. I wonder how Schumi is planning to cheat there this year?

China - "We really had that one"

A tale of hero to zero at China. Red Bull pulled out a Williams-style performance taking a front-row lock-out and trashing it. Despite discussion about the Mercedes now being tailored for Schumacher, Rosberg still trounced him - retire, old man.

It was delightful that the volcano kept Eddie Jordan in the UK, Christian Horner felt it was like Ant without Dec. Ah, that perennial question, who is the most annoying?

The weekend had got off to a spectacular start with Buemi losing both front tyres simultaneously: "From the car it was not a problem. I just lost both wheels." Following a reasonably exciting qualifying, the word on the radio from the Red Bull was: "Who needs ride height control anyway?" Answer: the Red Bulls. As the race progressed it was very much, pick a tyre, any tyre. Alonso (and some others) spent most of the race in the pits.

There's 3 long weeks (they'll be shorter for some of us than others) until the next race. It will be in Spain, unless it's in China. And note that the league results might change as I await the stewards' verdicts on the various racing incidents.

China Charts

Chart of Lust


1. (new entry) Papa Button's lucky pink shirt returns - why not? It works
2. (new entry) Low-tech espionage for high-tech design - just stick some engineers around the device in question and no one can take sneaky photos
3. (down 1) Rain - does the business yet again
4. (new entry) Clouds of ash - not convenient for everyone, but kept EJ in the UK
5. (new entry) Rosberg - finally, conclusive proof that Schumi is as poor a driver as I have always claimed, Williams know how to raise them


Chart of Loathing


1. (new entry) Unfortunate facial furniture - see Lewis Hamilton, or try not to
2. (new entry) Voiceovers by DC - so stilted, about as good at reading out loud as my P1s
3. (down 1) Jake and DCs matching bracelets - still?
4. (new entry) Ring of fire trophies - why?
5. (re-entry) The new graphics - still rubbish

China Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 232
2. Blood on the tracks - 199
3. Gurning Rubber - 197
4. The Young and the Restless - 190
5= The Lord of the Wings - 183
5= Liuzzi goes bananas - 183
7. The Pitstop Princess - 179
8. Chew Chew Joe - 177
9= Corpus Christi - Trimble - 171
9= You will never see me in Lederhosen - 171
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 162
12. Hippy F1 - 156
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 138
14. Birley Chassis - 131
15. Wheely wheely fast - 127
16. The Cake King - 126
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 55

Malaysia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Adrian Newey - please come back to Williams
2. (up 1) Rain - this time for qualifying, sets up great races
3. (new entry) Newbies First Points - Alguasauri and Hulkenberg, watching them take their first steps
4. (re-entry) Lotus - cheery Tony Fernandes and pretty colours everywhere
5. (new entry) Johnny Herbert - the fourth steward for the race, why didn't I notice in the 90s that he's as camp as Christmas?

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Sweaty Eddie - everyone commented
2. (new entry) Jake and DCs matching bracelets - are they Forever Friends?
3. (new entry) Helmet Dryers - to dry out the sweat - ew
4. (down 2) Bitter Twist of Fate - this time for Webber with a sticking wheelnut
5. (new entry) Coolvests - now with sponsorship but they still look like floating aids for toddlers

Malaysia - "Is that sweet or is that sweet?"

Qualifying set the stage for a race full of overtaking with Massa, Alonso, Button and Hamilton out after the first session and at the back of the grid. As Hamilton said, they're a team and they win together and they lose together and qualifying was losing together. So, yawn, the Red Bulls were 1 and 3 but Rosberg was almost one second faster and six places ahead than his team mate.

Williams qualified well, setting them up to return to their old ways of throwing it all away in the race. The old man stalled on the grid.

So, the race, Bernie said that if it doesn't rain he wants his money back. Well, the Malaysian government will have their chequebook out then. Nevertheless it was still a good race.

Schumi finished the race with a "three wheely car", does this make him the Del Boy of the pitlane? More Mercedes news: how is it possible to change tyres in 3.9 seconds? It took me longer to type that.

At at the end of the race, Massa leads the championship. What? How? 2nd, 5th and 7th. Vettel skipped to the podium but it seems unfair that he's not leading the championship or Webber, who looked fuming in the press conference. A perfect podium? Well other than the flags being wrong - turns out Roberg is Australian and Webber a German.

Rosberg said he was very happy to give Mercedes their first podium. I am very happy it was him too, given the alternative. He seems to be raising a smile on Ross Brawn's face unlike his team mate. If there are no results for Schumacher after China, four races in, what will he do? Here's hoping it's something spectacular.

Malaysia Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 206
2. Gurning Rubber - 142
3= Lord of the Wings - 136
3= Hippy F1 - 136
5. Blood on the tracks - 133
6. The Pitstop Princess - 129
7.Liuzzi goes bananas - 128
8. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 124
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 123
10. Birley Chassis - 115
11. The Young and the Restless - 110
12. Chew Chew Joe - 109
13. You will never see me in Lederhosen - 105
14. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 99
15. The Cake King - 89
16. Wheely wheely fast - 86
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 52

Australia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Neurf - our favourite F1 word returns, we haven't heard it in ages
2. (new entry) Kubica - so worthy
3. (new entry) Rain - whoopee, an exciting race
4. (new entry) Guinea Pigs - as in Schumacher is Rosberg's tyre guinea pig
5. (new entry) Alguasauri - half the age of Schumi but half good enough to hold him up in a Toro Rosso

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Overtaking - so much that I couldn't get on with my knitting
2. (down 1) Bitter Twist of Fate - poor Vettel, brake failure this time
3. (new entry) Whinging - who could I be talking about? Hamilton, of course.
4. (new entry) McLaren's winners T-shirts - a shade we shall call eye-burn orange, ghastly and such unsportsmanlike gloating they may as well walk around making L signs on their foreheads
5. (down 2) The New Graphics - getting better but still not very informative

Australian Analysis - "Feels so good"

Lewis Hamilton can do no good it seems in Melbourne, he always has a run in with the authorities. Brundle says boys will boys. Or is that lying crims?


Moving on, does anyone else keep mistaking the Renaults for Jordans, or am I showing my age? Did you get up early and realise it wasn't early enough? Did Ledgard correctly identify any driver before the camara shot was so close you could read the name tag sewn into the back of their overalls by their mums?


From this race, I have learnt that if you are having a bad day it is best to keep your helmet on, even though people might think you have a cold sore. I am also appreciating schadenfreude more and more. Hamilton deserved to be shunted by Webber, as the McLaren mechanics let out such a cheer when Vettel had brake failure. Webber continues to be the unluckiest man in Formula 1, apparantly he went down fighting though.

A great race though; more of the same for Malaysia please.

Australia Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 147
2= Gurning Rubber - 114
2= Liuzzi goes bananas - 114
4. Birley Chassis - 103
5. The Pitstop Princess - 98
6. Blood on the tracks - 96
7. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 93
8. Chew Chew Joe - 90
9. You will never see me in Ledehosen - 87
10= The Cake King - 83
10= The Young and the Restless - 83
12. The Lord of the Wings - 75
13. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 71
14. Wheely wheely fast - 65
15. Hippy F1 - 63
16. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 60
17. Ferrari Fanatic - 42

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy

Te he

The Hulk - click here

Bahrain Banter

As the first few bars of The Chain played out, my spine tingled. If only the race could have lived up to such excitement. Perhaps John Major could hum it for the next race if they're all going to be like this. You know a race is boring when they have to cut to Coulthard for comments to spice it up.

Rosberg was not at all happy about being joined at Mercedes by Schumacher, what is he anticipating? At a head shorter that Schumi, I wonder who the car was be built for? And doesn't Schumacher look gaunt and tired? Like Webber. Getting down to the weight of the short guys takes its toll. He also looks smug. Obviously my favourite commentry snippet was "He's being held up by Schumacher".

Talking of uncomfortable team mates, just watch Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton. They should not be allowed to do press together, it's cringe-making. They try and josh but it's awful.

Alonso looked grim in the Qualifying press conference. He did not expect to be second to Massa. He got his revenge in the race.

Brundle and Ledgard are taking their time to warm-up. Brundle used his best line, "That's a virgin pitstop for the Virgin team" on the wrong car, Senna in an Hispania.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed the return of the Silver Arrows. At Rosberg's pitstop I thought my TV had switched to black and white as everything was grey.

One more thing to watch out for: Hamilton and Domencali chatting on the podium. Alonso and Hamilton in the same team again? Probably not.

Bahrain Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Fernando Alonso - for very obvious reasons, as Massa said "I catch him in a good way."
2. (new entry) Trophies - my Fernando, what a big trophy, he had to sling it over his shoulder to carry it off the podium.
3. (very new entry) Lotus - The Pitstop Princess's underdog of choice (and she is not just swayed by the pretty colours).
4. (new entry) Rosberg's whip - Eh? The one that Schumi bent over for. One-nil.
5. (new entry) Rosewater, pomegranite juice and sparkling water - yum.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Bitter Twist of Fate - poor Sebastian Vettel.
2. (new entry) Tiny Bits of Seconds - when Button was told that his pitstop was 4.5 seconds he was delighted "That must have been one of the best". "No, that was Vettel at 4.0", his face fell. Should half a second have so much impact?
3. (new entry) The New Graphics - truly awful, hard to read when they're actually displayed.
4. (new entry) BBC attempts to make F1 like Dr Who - as witnessed at the very start of the race coverage, we might be geeks but not on that level.
3. (new entry) Footage of the Hill/Schumacher "accident" in Australia - enough already.

Bahrain Results

1. Que Senna Senna - 118
2= Gurning Rubber - 63
2= Liuzzi goes bananas - 63
4. Birley Chassis - 61
5. Corpus Christi - Trimble - 58
6. The Pitstop Princess - 55
7. Blood on the tracks - 48
8. The Cake King - 46
9. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 45
10= The Young and the Restless - 39
10= You will never see me in Lederhosen - 39
12. Chew Chew Joe - 28
13. Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars - 27
14. Ferrari Fanatic - 26
15= The Lord of the Wings - 25
15= Wheely wheely fast - 25
15= Hippy F1 - 25

Team Listings

Before the race I thought you'd like to get hold of the team listings, if only to remind you who you picked. In alphabetical order:

Beauty & the F1 Geek: Vettel, Sutil, Mercedes, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Britain
Birley Chassis: Massa, Glock, Lotus, Ferrari & Singapore
Blood on the tracks: Glock, Vettel, McLaren, Cosworth (HRT) & Belgium
The Cake King: Alonson, Button, Toro Rosso, Cosworth (Lotus) & Abu Dhabi
Chew Chew Joe: Button, Alguesauri, Williams, Mercedes (McLaren) & Britain
Corpus Christi - Trimble: Hamilton, Buemi, Ferrari, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Singapore
Ferrari Fanatic: Schumacher, Massa, Toro Rosso, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Italy
Gurning Rubber: Alonso, Liuzzi, McLaren, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Malaysia
Hippy F1: Webber, Barrichello, Force India, Mercedes & Britain
Liuzzi goes bananas: Alonso, Liuzzi, McLaren, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Italy
The Lord of the Wings: Webber, Hulkenberg, McLaren, Cosworth (Lotus) & Singapore
The Pitstop Princess: Rosberg, Petrov, Ferrari, Mercedes (Force India) & Monaco
Que Senna Senna: Sutil, Senna, Ferrari, Renault (Red Bull) & Bahrain
Stars in Reasonably Priced Cars: Vettel, Kobayashi, Renault & Ferrari (Toro Rosso) & Japan
Wheely wheely fast: Button, Barrichello, Toro Rosso, Mercedes & Britain
You will never see me in Lederhosen: Massa, Petrov, Virgin, Mercedes (McLaren) & Belgium
The Young and the Restless: Trulli, Petrov, McLaren, Mercedes & ???

As you can see, Britain and Singapore are crucial races for the league. As there are 17 teams the prizes will be:
1st prize - £102
2nd prize - £51
3rd prize - £17

Tips, Hints & News

For those of you about to choose your team, I thought I should keep you up to date with the latest changes to the F1 line-up for 2010.

USF1 is no more. The FIA has removed them from the official list of teams. You can still choose them if you wish, but you won't score many points. There was talk of the place being taken by a Serbian team; no idea if this is still a possibility.

This means that Lopez, who was signed to drive for USF1, no longer has a seat. You can still purchase him for your team if you feel another team will sign him.

Campos has changed it's name to Hispania Racing Team or HRT. It is clearly going through a change of some kind.

HRT has announced the name of it's second driver, they will be Karun Chandhok. He will still cost £500,000.

2010 Rules - 5. Calendar

5. CALENDAR 2010

14th March – Bahrain
28th March – Australia
4th April – Malaysia
18th April – China
9th May – Spain
16th May – Monaco
30th May – Turkey
13th June – Canada
27th June – Europe (Valencia)
11th July – Britain
25th July – Germany
1st August – Hungary
29th August – Belgium
12th September – Italy
26th September – Singapore
10th October – Japan
24th October – Korea
7th November – Brazil
14th November – Abu Dhabi

2010 Rules - 4. Prices

4. PRICES

4.1 Drivers

5 stars - Champion
Alonso - £10m (driving for Ferrari)
Hamilton - £9.5m (driving for McLaren)
Schumacher - £9.5m (driving for Mercedes)
Vettel - £9m (driving for Red Bull)
Massa - £8.5m (driving for Ferrari)

4 stars - Upper Middle Field
Button - £8m (driving for McLaren)
Webber - £7m (driving for Red Bull)
Rosberg - £7m (driving for Mercedes)

3 stars - Middle Field
Kubica - £6m (driving for Renault)
Kobayashi - £6m (driving for Sauber)

2 stars – Lower rank w/potential
Barrichello - £5m (driving for Williams)
Hulkenberg - £5m (driving for Williams)
De La Rosa - £5m (driving for Sauber)
Sutil - £4m (driving for Force India)

1 star - Lower Rank
Petrov - £3m (driving for Renault)
Glock - £3m (driving for Virgin)
Tulli - £3m (driving for Lotus)
Kovalainen - £2.5m (driving for Lotus)
Senna - £2m (driving for Campos)
Buemi - £1.5m (driving for Toro Rosso)
Liuzzi - £1.5m (driving for Force India)
Di Grassi - £1m (driving for Virgin)
Alguesuari - £1m (driving for Toro Rosso)
Lopez - £1m (driving for US F1)
TBC Campos Driver - £500,000
TBC US F1 Driver - £500,000

4.2 Chassis

5 Stars - Premium
Ferrari - £10m
McLaren - £9.5m

4 Stars - Upper Middle Field
Red Bull - £8m
Mercedes - £8m

3 Stars - Middle Field
Sauber - £6m
Renault - £6m
Williams - £5.5m

2 Stars - Lower Rank
Force India - £4m
Toro Rosso - £3m

1 Star – Newbies
Lotus - £2.5m
Campos - £2m
US F1 - £2m
Virgin - £2m

4.3 Engines

5 Stars - Premium
Ferrari - £10m
Mercedes (McLaren) - £9.5m

4 Stars - Upper Middle Field
Renault (Red Bull) - £8m
Mercedes - £8m

3 Stars - Middle Field
BMW (Sauber) - £6m
Renault - £6m
Cosworth (Williams) - £5.5m

2 Stars - Lower Rank
Mercedes (Force India) - £4m
Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - £3m

1 Star – Newbies
Cosworth (Lotus) - £2.5m
Cosworth (Campos) - £2m
Cosworth (US F1) - £2m
Cosworth (Virgin) - £2m

2010 Rules - 3. Communications

3. COMMUNICATIONS

A bulletin containing the scores and possibly a little light-hearted banter will be posted on this blog as soon as possible after each race.

Team listings will be posted here.

Notification of results updates by email can be requested.

2010 Rules - 2. How to Score Points

2. HOW TO SCORE POINTS
Scoring starts from the Bahrain GP onwards. Fantasy points are allocated based on the performance of your drivers, constructor’s cars and engine.

2.1 Drivers
:: The driver who completes the fastest lap in the final qualifying round will receive +15 points.
If a driver receives an engine penalty he will receive points based on his qualifying lap time ie. we will not penalise FF1 teams for engine changes.

Example, Fernando Alonso sets the fastest time in the 3rd qualifying session but has a ten place grid penalty for changing his engine he will still get +15 points.

:: The driver who completes the fastest lap during the race will receive +15 points.

:: The driver who makes up the most positions from their place on the grid (after penalties) to their finishing place will receive +15 points.
In the event of this being tied the driver finishing in the highest position will receive the points.

:: Drivers that finish the race in the top 10 positions will score points as follows;

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.2 Constructors/Chassis
Each Constructor has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.3 Engines
Each Engine supplier has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th – 2 points
10th – 1 point

2.4 Home Track
Each team should pick one circuit as their Home Track (see 5. CALENDAR). The points scored by their team at this race will be doubled.

2010 Rules - 1. Picking a Team

1. PICKING A TEAM
First you must choose a team name. Anyone who submits a nameless team will not only be allocated a name by me but will score no points for the first race.

You have a total budget of £24million to choose a team comprising of the following:

2 x Drivers
1 x Constructor/Chassis
1 x Engine

Each driver, constructor and engine is given a value based on previous performances and their potential for success during the 2010 season (i.e.: the most expensive drivers, cars and engines will be those predicted to be the most successful).

There are no points for coming in under budget.

Deadline for submitting teams is Friday 11 March 2010. Teams can be made up of identical drivers and constructors but must have a different home track (see 2.4). If you submit a team and home track that has already been chosen you will be invited to pick again (the bonus of entering early is to get the team you wish).

In the event that a constructor withdraws from the 2010 championship, any FF1 team with their chassis or engine will not be reallocated a different constructor and will score no more points for that chassis/engine. If a constructor is bought out (even after a withdrawal or break from competing) then any FF1 team with that chassis/engine will receive the points scored by the new constructor. A driver picked by a FF1 team will score points for the team with whichever constructor they drive for or no points if they are not competing, ie. if they are dropped or their constructor withdraws from the championship.

Only one team may be submitted per human being.

1.2 Prizes
To make the league “more interesting” entry is £10, which will be put into a prize money pot (and I won’t even take any commission). If fewer than twenty teams are entered, the winner will win 60% of the prize, 2nd place 30% and 3rd place 10%. If twenty or more teams enter then the winner will receive 40%, 2nd place 30%, 3rd place 15%, 4th place 10% and 5th place 5%.

Return of the 'Macher

Thought I should post something to get this baby off the ground. The return of the Great German Cheat marks a return for me to those acne-filled teen years of Hill-related heartbreak.

Paired with the treacherous Nico Rosberg, will the young pretender be any match? Will he be given a chance? No team orders? I think it's started already: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/motorsport/formulaone/7038114/Michael-Schumacher-swaps-racing-numbers-with-team-mate-Nico-Rosberg-for-luck.html

So those of you thinking I am biased with my belief that Schumi's a devious wee bugger, here is my academic reference, Nico Rosberg: http://www.carsuk.net/schumacher-to-blame-for-poor-f1-driving-standards-nico-rosberg/

I will be extremely disappointed if this year is a dull season and even more disappointed if no one comments to this post.

Welcome

Watch this space for the new home for Fantasy Formula 1!