Sunday, 29 May 2011

Monaco Chat - "Together we did it"

There were huge smashes around the golden streets of Monte Carlo before qualifying even began, an omen of what was to come. Following the race, I am starting a campaign to have Hamilton banned, please leave a comment if you are on-board. Pipsqueak should have his licence retracted as he cost Williams all those precious points when he took Maldonado out. I am also getting tired of listening to two geriatrics try to remember who has used what tyres and who could use what tyres and whether anyone will have to use another set of tyres. Can we ban the word for the next race? Let's bring in the rules of Just a Minute, they must speak with hesitation, repetition or deviation.
Outraged, Ibrox.

Monaco Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (re-entry) Barrichello - scored Williams first points of the season and overtook Schumacher
2. (new entry) Alonso's starts - what's not to love if he's on your team?
3. (down 1) Overtaking - always welcome
4. (re-entry) New catchphrases - this week, "lappery" and the long-missed "mobile chicane"
5. (new entry) Alonso's gold helmet - perfect accessory for Monaco

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Post-red flag waiting - wasn't worth it either time
2. (new entry) Poor Red Bull pitstops - people don't spend a small fortune on your awful beverages for you to perform this badly, where were your wings when you needed them?
3. (new entry) Lying and whining - no prizes for who uttered the lines usually heard by petulant teenagers: "I got the penalty, as usual...the other drivers are fricking ridiculous". Why did McLaren PR let him out?
New catchphrases - "floaterhomes"
5. (down 3) McLarens' qualifying overalls - still dreadful

Monaco Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 412
2. Lord of the Wings - 342
3. Still Chewing - 336
4. The Best Team - 328
5. Besta di Resta - 320
6. Gurning Rubber - 301
7= The Pitstop Princess - 298
7= Trulli Scrumptious - 298
9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 291
10. Must do better... - 261
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 237
12. Hippy F1 - 172
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 146
14. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 121
15. Are all Williams fans masochists? - 118

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Spain Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Maldonado makes Q3 and out qualifies Schumacher - big smiles in the Crawford household (Scottish branch)
2. (new entry) Overtaking - yes please
1. (re-entry) Lots of team radio - only apparently they are now all lying to us to fool the other teams. How do the drivers know when its a lie? Next stop, Pig English.
4. (re-entry) Bruno Senna
5. (new entry) Papa Vettel - return of the Dads.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) BBC's minotaur bullfighting/Red Bull schlock - are we in Greece? Are we in Spain?
2. (re-entry) What is happening with McLaren's qualifying overalls? Is there some kind of school design-an-overall competition?
3. (new entry) Serious Eurotrash sunglasses - here, there and everywhere. Only, honourable mention to a serial offender, Massa looked good in his Ray Ban aviators.
4. (new entry) Small talk - quite painful watching Button, Hamilton and Vettel trying to josh on camera before going to the podium.
5. (new entry) "Manhugs"

Spain - "Woo hoo. Yabbadabbadee. Ring dinga ding ding."

For some the weekend started with a roasting (Heidfeld) and for some it finished with one. Hot on the trail of bottlegate where Sutil "unintentionally injured" (a plea I hear all too often in the playground) a Renault engineer with a bottle, Heidfeld caught fire out on track ("Get out quickly. Get out quickly.")
It's been quite hard to knit during these races as you have to really concentrate on who is in the pits, who has already been in the pits and how many more stops might everyone have to do. Is driving for "preservation over pace" (Webber) really the way forward?
My other notes from the race include Schumi being interviewed and saying that Rosberg does not have the edge over him, despite being repeatedly out-qualified. Williams had a gear box break during qualifying and followed this up with a rubbish pit stop. So still no points to report..."Are you known as the unluckiest man in Formula 1? Then, come and drive for Williams!"

Spain Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 353
2. Lord of the Wings - 286
3. Still Chewing - 281
4. The Best Team - 266
5. Gurning Rubber - 264
6. Besta di Resta - 261
7= Trulli Scrumptious - 242
7= The Pitstop Princess - 242
9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 236
10. Must do better... - 224
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 199
12. Hippy F1 - 147
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 128
14. Are all Williams fans masochists? - 101
15. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 95

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Turkey - "what a great race"

An interesting race weekend all round. From Schumi's "magic paddle" to Vettel's dominance as the "polemaster" (sounds like something you buy from the Innovations catalogue). Red Bull had a mighty confidence in themselves in Qualifying, it almost wasn't enjoyable. Rosberg compensated by heavily outqualifying Schumacher. As well as the endless KERS and DRS chat, it seems that we can now look forward to copious discussion about when Schumacher will quit, again. He feels "the big joy is not there yet".

Last word to Brundle: "It's just like the M25 when you sometimes have to nudge people out the way." What?!

Turkey Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Barrichello takes Schumi - a wee moment of sweetness
2. (new entry) DRS - hurrah for overtaking
3. (new entry) Comebacks - Rosberg, Alonso
4. (new entry) Schumi admits making a mistake - jaw still ajar

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) DRS - why not put rocket burners on the back?
2. (new entry) Vettel on pole - yawn
3. (new entry) Lack of comebacks - Schumacher, Massa, Williams
4. (new entry) Shoddily dressed clapping ladies - one has already expressed one's displeasure with the initial concept and now they are dressed in outfits that were taken directly from Primark's Turkish sweatshops
5. (new entry) Lack of points - mainly for Williams

Turkey Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 287
2. Still Chewing - 234
3= Besta di Resta - 226
3= Lord of the Wings - 226
5. Gurning Rubber - 213
6. The Best Team - 212
7= The Pitstop Princess - 195
7= Trulli Scrumptious - 195
9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 189
10. Must do better... - 187
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 151
12. Ferrari Fanatic - 110
13. Hippy F1 - 109
14. Are All Williams Fans Masochists? - 72
15. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 71

Saturday, 7 May 2011

China Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Tyres - you either love or loathe the strategic racing
2. (new entry) Bruno Senna - replacing Eddie Jordan, can we make this permanent? Or Christian Horner?
3. (new entry) Lingerie model good luck charm - the charmed life of Jenson Button
4. (new entry) Synchronised rollerblading angels - possibly a one-time only entry to the charts
5. (new entry) Finishing - Williams and 21 others!

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) McLaren's qualifying overalls - why mimic Ferrari?
2. (new entry) Spitting out champagne - what a waste, Lewis?
3. (new entry) Lack of team radio - doesn't FOM read this site?

China - "absolutely magnificent"

A race of highs, lows and minor shenanigans. DC was all "you try and tell them that these days...and they won't believe you" about the good old days when he was a driver (two years ago!). He turned this around by finally accepting the blame for shunting Wurtz's Williams off. Another high followed when Williams knocked out Red Bull in Qualifying 1. Heidfeld told us that he still aims to win, not only a race but a championship, don't know what Kubica will feel about this. Webber started on a low, "might need binoculars to see the [starting] lights". Button's low was stopping in the wrong pit box. Brundle's low was putting all his commentating experience into coming up with: "All the cars are fighting with all the other cars". Perez followed his debut race high with an almighty low, I think you all spoke too soon. Vettel's high was a masterclass in defending. Ultimately you can have a good car but it your strategy is poor, what is the point?

To finish, I'd like to put in a plea to Bernie for a position tracker down the edge of the screen. Muchos gracias.

China Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 223
2. Lord of the Wings - 173
3. Still Chewing - 172
4. Besta di Resta - 169
5. Gurning Rubber - 160
6. Must do better... - 144
7. The Best Team - 143
8= The Pitstop Princess - 135
8= Trulli Scrumptious - 135
10. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 131
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 123
12. Ferrari Fanatic - 95
13. Hippy F1 - 85
14. Are All Williams Fans Masochists? - 54
15. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 46

Friday, 6 May 2011

Malaysia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Heidfeld - beautiful start
2. (new entry) New Phrases - this weekend I have added the following to my list of catchphrases:

  • "few squirrels on the track" (DC to di Resta, meaning, "I know a few track secrets")

  • "sounding Harry Flatters to me" (Brundle commenting that a tyre sounded flat)

  • "running in dirty air" (DC, meaning having a terrible time behind someone else)

  • "reaching the cliff" (everyone, meaning "about to become rubbish)

  • "space capacity" (DC, meaning, "all that talent that you don't use")

  • "the Leonardo Da Vinci of Formula 1" (Brundle referring to Newey)

3. (new entry) Lots of team radio - so much more insightful than DC

4. (new entry) Watching the race with my Mum - comments included: "No Country for Old Men" (Schumacher and Barrichello)

5. (new entry) Renault gold suits - my Mum says that he "deserves to win with that suit, dressed for success".

Chart of Loathing

1.(new entry) Calling Vettel the "championship leader" - he's only won one race!

2. (new entry) Kinky Kylie - Vettel give it up, now verging on misogyny

3. (new entry) KERS chat - enough already

4. (new entry) DC - for pronouncing it "Heidfield"

5. (new entry) Facial furniture - Hamilton and Heidfeld mainly

Malaysia - "In the heat, we kept our heads cool"

There was once again, lots to ponder after the race. Why are Ferrari, with most of the world's resources at their disposal (Portugal will be approaching them for a bail-out), gunning for 6 and 7 in qualifying? How frustrated exactly must Kubica be, watching eternal also-ran Heidfeld and ropey Petrov acheiving so much in his car? Could they have glued the cars together a little better this year? Why did Heidfeld chat to Newey after the race? A bit of networking? Does Eddie Jordan have a short neck or always wear high-collar shirts?

It was a difficult race for lots of drivers. Schumacher and Hamilton rallied and pitted and barely saw the track tarmac. Alonso radioed "I'm pushing. I'm pushing. Don't worry." as his team despaired.

Malaysia Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 176
2. Still Chewing - 123
3. Besta di Resta - 122
4. Gurning Rubber - 105
5. Must do better... - 103
6= The Pitstop Princess - 96
6= Trulli Scrumptious - 96
8. The Best Team - 95
9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 92
10. Lord of the Wings - 91
11. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 74
12. Hippy F1 - 71
13. Ferrari Fanatic - 69
14. Are all Williams Fans Masochists? - 28
15. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 26

Australia Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Petrov - hero of the hour, why didn't he achieve this last year when he was on my team?
2. (new entry) Black and gold - isn't the new Lotus Renault design beautiful?
3. (new entry) Perez - another great new entry
4. (new entry) "Glory Roll" - a new favourite phrase (it means the slow drive down the pit lane after your lap of honour)
5. (new entry) New Season - hooray for it finally starting

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) 107% rule - I feel fundamentally unfair, they pay their money too
2. (new entry) New gizmos - DRS instantly proved useless and KERS wasn't used by the top teams
3. (new entry) Williams - bloody awful performance
4. (new entry) Schumacher - always getting top billing in a team because "he is supersitious about even numbers". Yes, he's also superstitious about accellerating, winning and keeping a car undented.
5. (new entry) McLaren's new caps - they look like something a jester would wear

Australia - "We learned a lot today. Keep that in mind."

What did we learn? Red Bull are still good. Not much can be done improve the overtaking situation. It's no good being the most experienced, smiliest man in F1 in you can't drive.

Australia Results

1. Glock, Stock and Two Smoking Constructors - 106

2. Still Chewing - 68

3. Besta di Resta - 63

4= Gurning Rubber - 56

4= Must do better... - 56

6= The Pitstop Princess - 51

6= Trulli Scrumptious - 51

8. The Best Team - 50

9. Fuelled by Tiger Blood - 47

10. Lord of the Wings - 40

11. Beauty and the F1 Geek - 34

12. Ferrari Fanatic - 39

13. Wheelie Wheelie Fast - 15

14= Are all Williams Fans Masochists? - 8

14= Hippy F1 - 8

2011 Rules - 5. Calendar

13th March - Bahrain - POSTPONED
27th March - Australia
10th April - Malaysia
17th April - China
8th May - Turkey
22nd May - Spain
29th May - Monaco
12th June - Canada
26th June - Europe (Valencia)
10th July - Britain
24th July - Germany
31st July - Hungary
28th August - Belgium
11th September - Italy
25th September - Singapore
9th October - Japan
16th October - Korea
30th October - India
13th November - Abu Dhabi
27th November - Brazil

2011 Rules - 4. Prices

4.1 Drivers

5 stars - Champion
Alonso - £10m (driving for Ferrari)
Vettel - £10m (driving for Red Bull)
Hamilton - £9m (driving for McLaren)
Webber - £8m (driving for Red Bull)
Button - £8m (driving for McLaren)

4 stars - Upper Mid-Field
Rosberg - £7m (driving for Mercedes)
Schumacher - £7m (driving for Mercedes)
Massa - £6m (driving for Ferrari)

3 stars - Mid-Field
Sutil - £5.5m (driving for Force India)
Kubica - £5m (driving for Renault, n.b. currently injured)
Heidfeld - £5m (driving for Renault, n.b. covering for Kubica)
Barrichello - £5m (driving for Williams)
Kobayashi - £5m (driving for Sauber)
Petrov - £4.5m (driving for Renault)

2 stars - Lower Rank w/potential
Maldonado - £4m (driving for Williams)
di Resta - £3.5m (driving for Force India)
Hulkenberg - £3m (reserve driver for Force India)
Senna - £3m (Lotus Renault third driver)

1 star - Lower Rank
Alguesuari - £2m (driving for Torro Rosso)
Buemi - £2m (driving for Torro Rosso)
Perez - £2m (driving for Sauber)
Trulli - £1.5m (driving for Team Lotus)
Kovalainen - £1.5m (driving for Team Lotus)
Glock - £1m (driving for Virgin)
d'Ambrosio - £1m (driving for Virgin)
Karthikeyan - £1m (driving for HRT)
HRT Driver TBC - £500,000

4.2 Chassis

5 stars - Premium
Red Bull - £10m
McLaren - £9m
Ferrari - £8m

4 stars - Upper Mid-Field
Mercedes - £7m

3 stars - Mid-Field
Lotus Renault - £6m
Williams - £5m

2 stars - Lower Rank
Force India - £4.5m
Sauber - £4.5m
Team Lotus - £3m
Torro Rosso - £2m

1 star - Backmarkers
HRT - £1m
Virgin - £1m

4.3 Engines

5 stars - Premium
Renault (Red Bull) - £10m
Mercedes (McLaren) - £9m
Ferrari - £8m

4 stars - Upper Mid-Field
Mercedes - £7m

3 stars - Mid-Field
Renault (Lotus) - £6m
Cosworth (Williams) - £5m

2 stars - Lower Rank
Mercedes (Force India) - £4.5m
Ferrari (Sauber) - £4.5m
Renault (Team Lotus) - £3m
Ferrari (Torro Rosso) - £2m

1 star - Backmarkers
Cosworth (HRT) - £1m
Cosworth (Virgin) - £1m

2011 Rules - 3. Communications

A bulletin containing the scores and possibly a little light-hearted banter will be posted on this blog as soon as possible after each race. The blog address is

Team listings will be posted on the blog.

Notification of results by email can be requested.

The blog will also contain caption competitions and competitors are invited to post their punditry on the season.

2011 Rules - 2. How to Score Points

Scoring starts from the Bahrain GP onwards. Fantasy points are allocated based on the performance of your drivers, constructor's cars and engine.

2.1 Drivers
:: The driver who completes the fastest lap in the final qualifying round will receive +15 points.
If a driver receives an engine penalty he will receive points based on his qualifying lap time i.e. we will not penalise FF1 teams for engine changes. Example, Fernando Alonso sets the fastest time in the 3rd qualifying session but has a ten place grid penalty for changing his engine or similar he will still get +15 points.

:: The driver who completes the fastest lap during the race will receive +15 points.

:: The driver who makes up the most positions from their place on the grid (after penalties) to their finishing place will receive +15 points.
In the event of this being tied, the driver finishing in the highest position will receive the points.

:: Drivers that finish the race in the top 10 positions will score points as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th - 2 points
10th - 1 point

2.2 Constructors/Chassis
Each constructor has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th - 2 points
10th - 1 point

2.3 Engines
Each engine supplier has 2 cars in the race - you will be awarded points based on the performance of both cars, as follows:

1st - 25 points
2nd - 18 points
3rd - 15 points
4th - 12 points
5th - 10 points
6th - 8 points
7th - 6 points
8th - 4 points
9th - 2 points
10th - 1 point

2.4 Home Track
Each team should pick one circuit as their Home Track (see 5. Calendar). The points scored by their team at this race will be doubled.

2011 Rules - 1. Picking a Team

First you must pick a team name. Anyone who submits a nameless team will not only be allocated a name by me but will score no points for the first race.

You have a total budget of £24million to choose a team comprising of the following:

2 x Drivers
1 x Constructor/Chassis
1 x Engine

Each driver, constructor and engine is given a value based on previous performances and their potential for success during the 2011 season (i.e. the most expensive drivers, cars and engines will be those predicted to be the most successful).

There are no points for coming in under budget.

Deadline for submitting teams is Friday 25 March 2011. Different teams can be made up of identical drivers and constructors but must have a different home track (see 2.4). If you submit a team and home track that has already been chosen you will be invited to pick again (the bonus of submitting early is to get the team you wish).

In the event that a constructor withdraws from the 2011 championship, any FF1 team with their chassis or engine will not be reallocated to a different constructor and will score no more points for that chassis/engine. If a constructor is bought out (even after a withdrawal or break from competing) then any FF1 team with that chassis/engine will receive the points scored by the new constructor. A driver picked by for FF1 team will score points for the team/constructor they drive for or no points if they are not competing, i.e. if they are dropped or their constructor withdraws from the championship.

Only one team may be submitted per human being.

Submission is by email to

1.2 Prizes
To make the league "more interesting", entry is £10, which will be put into a prize money pot. If fewer than twenty teams are entered, the winner will win 60% of the prize, 2nd place 30% and 3rd place 10%. If twenty or more teams are enter then the winner will receive 40%, 2nd place 30%, 3rd place 15%, 4th place 10% and 5th place 5%.