Malaysia Musings - "This is one of the most, most beautiful. We are so proud of you and the team."

The weekend started with speculation that Massa is going to be ditched by Ferrari. Alonso says he has his support, I think he once said that he got on with Hamilton too. Not to worry Felipe, I'm sure that triumphant 15th place will secure you for the rest of the season (not forgetting that incredible pass on a Caterham).

Following qualifying, I was left hoping that the Red Bulls will get better, which is unusual. I'm not sure I fancy another season of one team monopolising pole position. The other turnaround is Schumacher's abysmal performance in the rain, I thought he was the regenmeister? Ordinarily, rain makes a race more interesting. Nowadays, we just hang out a red flag as soon as a black cloud appears on the horizon. I vote to give drivers better wet weather tyres, wipers on their visors and inflatable arm bands. The cameramen have to resort to becoming ornithologists, filming wet feathers. There were some odd wet weather pairings, I would like to have been a damp fly on the wall for the conversations between the Hulk and di Resta and Schumi and Massa. The rain also got into Red Bull electronics and broke their radios, leading to the best Murrayball of the season: "Vettel, your radio is not working".

I'm enjoying Williams slight resurgence, even if Senna calls himself a "crash magnet" and Maldonado can only compete in a race until the penultimate lap.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that no one team is dominating. Red Bull are confused and dismayed by their lack of pace. It was great to see the overjoyed responses of Domenicali and Sauber. Mercedes are not scoring points, despite huge pre-season hype. Lastly, Raikkonen seems to be up for the fight. Roll on China.

Malaysia GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Not buying a gazebo - how Williams have raised those extra few pennies to buy Renault engines this year.
2. (new entry) Special waterproof helmet-carry-cases - Ferrari pay attention to every little detail in their operation, apart from the car obviously.
3. (new entry) Sandwich bags - covering all electronic equipment, radios etc., to protect them from the rain. Austerity chic.
4. (new entry) The hokey-cokey - in, out, in, out. Is Vettel pitting or not?
5. (new entry) Positive encouragement - Smedley to Massa: "good effort". Oh, no, that's not positive encouragement...that's lies.

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Red Flag wusses - It was only spitting!
2. (new entry) Sauber - for making cars that look exactly like Williams'.
3. (new entry) Button's cool vest - still looks like a toddler float vest.
4. (new entry) Silver lycra - as sported by the clapping ladies, like cut-price superheroes.
5.(new entry) Owen Wilson -we've found someone with even less to say about F1 than Georgie Thompson.

Malaysia GP Results

1.White Jeans - 155
2= Pic di Resta - 104
2= Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 104
4. Crash of the Titans - 103
5. Wyld Stallyns - 97
6= Hippy F1 - 95
6= The Lord of the Wings - 95
8.Parkes Winners - 92
9. Still Chewing - 81
10. AbeFromanRacing - 75
11. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 68
12. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 67
13. Better the Vettel you know - 66
14. Beauty & the F1 Geek - 64
15. Ferrari Fanatic - 63
16. The Pitstop Princess - 58
17. Push Pete's Button - 56
18. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 40

Australian GP - "Welcome to 2009...What a great way to start the year."

My first post of 2012....6 world champions on the grid, 2 television channels to choose from, 81 Sky personnel at the race (more than HRT brought). Qualifying was a disaster for those champions, Raikkonen was too busy changing his helmet to get through to Q2, the Iceman melteth. Alonso also had an early bath. There were more disappointments to come. HRT did not qualify, which makes this race an expensive holiday for them. Domencali seems to have gone grey over the break with worry over his appalling car. Grosjean went from the hero of Qualifying to a zero in the race. Vettel had to push his own car into his second place parking space. Hamilton had his first strop of 2012 having been playing the happy chappy during his PR, even reuniting with the PCD to regain his previous form, toys out of the pram after losing two places during the race. Alonso was particularly mean, commenting that he was fighting with the Williams when he would rather be fighting at the top (better get used to it pal, we're approaching the top and you're approaching the bottom). Luckily Kimi is back so I can transfer my affections back to him. The biggest disappointment though has to be firstly Senna's early crash followed by Maldonado's heartbreaking spin and crash on the last lap.

A great first race, hoping for much more to come.

A note on the commentary: I am planning to watch whole races on the BBC on the BBC (despite the world's most excited commentator in Ben Edwards, who squeals like a little girl) and whole races on Sky when they're not on the BBC. I did watch both today. The BBC do seem to be getting all the interviews, Sky only had Kovalainen and Papa Button during the race!

Australian GP Charts

Chart of Lust

1. (new entry) Maldonado - my hero! Why wasn't he doing this last year?

2. (new entry) Helmet cams - great, more please

3. (new entry) Damon Hill - on Sky, BRDC's loss is our gain

4. (new entry) 2 DRS zones - it seems to work

5. (new entry) Papa Buttons lucky pink shirt - it seems to work

Chart of Loathing

1. (new entry) Last lap - could you spread out the action over all the laps, chaps?

2. (new entry) Ad breaks on Sky - not during the race but you have to tune in at 4.30am to see all the build-up because of all the breaks

3. (new entry) Ricciardo - booooo for taking Senna out

4. (new entry) The Sky Pad - it's a Smartboard, I have one in my classroom, it doesn't make you special Anthony Davidson, it makes you look like a glorified weatherman.

5. (new entry) "The Kimster" - not one of Brundle's best witticisms

FF1 2012 Team Line Up

I'm royally pleased to welcome 6 new players to Fantasy Formula 1 this year. We have 18 teams so the provisional prize money is £108 for first place, £54 for second place and £18 for third place.

Susan - Crash of the Titans - Raikkonen, Kobayashi, Force India, Mercedes (McLaren) - Brazil
Dad - Still Chewing - Vettel, Maldonado, Williams, Mercedes (McLaren) - Silverstone
Phil - Parkes Winners - Button, Senna, Ferrari, Force India - Monaco
Stephen - La Pic Di Resta - Di Resta, Pic, Red Bull, Mercedes (McLaren) - Hungary
Colin - AbeFromanRacing - Button, Rosberg, Ferrari, Renault (Caterham) - Singapore
Mark - White Jeans - Vettel, Kobayashi, McLaren, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - Australia
Mike - Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - Vettel, Massa, Lotus, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - China
Jennie - Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - Vettel, Button, Force India, Cosworth (Marussia Virgin) - Canada
Lynn - Ferrari Fanatic: Raikkonen, Schumacher, Mercedes, Ferrari (Sauber) - Italy
Gareth - Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing: Button, Petrov, McLaren, Mercedes (Force India) - Canada
Claire - The Pitstop Princess: Rosberg, Kovalainen, Red Bull, Renault (Lotus) - Silverstone
Joe - Hippy F1: Button, Di Resta, Toro Rosso, Renault (Red Bull) - Silverstone
Pete - Push Pete's Button: Rosberg, Petrov, Mercedes, Mercedes (McLaren) - Canada
Laura - Beauty & the F1 Geek: Vettel, Grosjean, Sauber, Renault (Lotus) - Italy
Chris - Better the Vettel you know: Vettel, Maldonado, Red Bull, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - India
Claire Smith - The Lord of the Wings: Button, Di Resta, Red Bull, Ferrari (Toro Rosso) - Brazil
Becca - Wyld Stallyns: Grosjean, Karthikeyan, Red Bull, Mercedes (McLaren) - Silverstone
David - KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI!: Vettel, Kobayashi, Red Bull, Cosworth (HRT) - Brazil

Australian GP Results

1. White Jeans - 136

2. Asda Equivalent Energy Drink Racing - 81

3. The Lord of the Wings - 73

4. La Pic di Resta - 71

5. Wyld Stallyns - 70

6. Put the Vettel on (push the Button) - 59

7. Still Chewing - 58

8. KAMIKAZE KOBAYASHI! - 56

9. Crash of the Titans - 55

10. Parke's Winners - 51

11= AbeFromanRacing - 50

11= Better the Vettel you know - 50

13. Push Pete's Button - 40

14= The Pitstop Princess - 36

14= Beauty & the F1 Geek - 36

16. Hippy F1 - 33

17. Sebastian Vettel's High Flying Turds - 26

18. Ferrari Fanatic - 18